Beyond Rock Bottom
by kindlonely
Summary: Something goes differently and Taichi grows up to become the complete, polar opposite of the bearer of the crest of courage. One night his life turns upside down, leading him to meet with Yamato and a group of squatting misfits. The were-to-be-digidestined's lives are finally converging ten years later, or is it ten years too late?
1. Prologue, Piedmon has a better idea

Prologue. Piedmon has a better idea

* * *

Foolish agents, what a ludicrous performance they're giving. Their feeble bodies crumble like cloaked dolls under Mekanorimon's attacks. Had I known we were facing such an underwhelming cast, I would have come as a one man show. Oh well.

I graciously make my grand entrance on the main stage, the laboratory used to create their ultimate weapon against us, and approach a glass case. Fabulous! The digi-eggs are here, each linked to a device and a necklace. What a marvelous example of pure ingenuity being wasted on foolish ideals. I raise my hand and blast the glass away, then reach in and collect the necklaces. Hmph … Hope? Courage? What nonsense. Why bother using such—

"Piedmon! Hands off those crests!" An agent draws his sword and rushes toward me, his hood flying off his head.

"Gennai?" Ah ah, such a frivolous attempt at stopping me.

I swiftly fly away from his weak attack and re position myself behind him. He's at my mercy. What to do now? Pointlessly insert a black bead inside him? Kill him? Rejoice at the sight of his despair once he learns the fatal mistake he and his group made? I push Gennai against the glass case and grab his neck. His eyes widen for a second, then comes the vain attempts at freeing himself. This proves to be too much, my head falls back and I laugh to my heart's content.

"Oh Gennai. Even if we're enemies, I have to salute what you've accomplished here. Your group has created such an incredible tool! Channeling human emotional energy into digivolution, magnificent! But sadly, my praise for you stops here. See, all of you are so obsessed with keeping the balance between good and evil that you've failed to harness the full potential of this weapon." Gennai's eyes start to glow with hilarious fear. "These? What kind of power were you hoping to get with mere sincerity or reliability?" I send the crests flying across the room. "And this …" I grab one of the digivices from the case behind him. "This device is too restrictive, too inconvenient." I drop the digivice on the ground and crush it. "But don't worry my dear, I promise to put this powerful technology you've so kindly provided us to better use."

I watch Gennai's last attempts to breathe. His hands lose their grip on my arm. His eyes beg me and his lips move, then he loses consciousness. I toss him to the closest Mekanorimon. "Here, lock him up. He might still be useful." I scan the room full of machinery and computers. So much to do! I'll need the others' help.

* * *

Yamato, Ten years ago.

* * *

"Yamato! How dare you talk back to me like that!" Mom yells into my ear.

My hand holding the receiver is shaking. I squeeze my lips shut not to let any sound escape. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of hearing me cry.

"Tsk. I'm so tired of your attitude … It might not be a good idea to let Takeru go to the summer camp with yo—"

"SHUT UP!" I immediately cover my mouth. Tears begin to stream down. "Mom, I'm sor—" I begin, but she already hung up.

I crouch and bury my face in my arms. I can vaguely hear the receiver making beeping sounds as it dangles against the counter. What's wrong with me? Why do I always end up fighting with Mom, all I want is for her to lo… I hit the cabinet with my fist. Why can't she?

I get up and return to my bedroom. My backpack is on the bed, almost ready for the camp. I guess I won't need it. If Tk is not going then there's no point, I might as well stay here. I grab my harmonica, slide down on the floor and my back against the door start playing a slow melody.

* * *

A sharp glass shattering noise in the living room sends a jolt running throughout my body. Before I know it I dropped the harmonica and raised my arms to protect my head. Oh god is it a tornado?! But Dad would have called. Something heavy stomps on the living room's floor. Maybe a bird flew through the window, in that case it's probably injured.

I turn around and grab the doorknob. Is it safe to look? I don't like this at all, I wish Dad was here. Holding my breath, I open up a crack. Something is struggling on the floor, wrapped in the curtain. The window is completely broken, the television too. The animal rolls around, hitting a chair and then the table. It's probably terrorized and in pain right now. I get up and open the door.

"Have you found him yet? What are you doing stupid?!" It says outside the window.

 _It_ is a ghost and it's flying in the apartment. But it looks too real to be a ghost, I mean, ghosts would be more— Why am I thinking about that now?! That thing lands inside and starts helping the other thing. I slowly step back inside my bedroom, I could hide and … No. I'll be trapped, there's not even a window in here. I grab my backpack and take a deep breath. The front door is locked so I need to get out now, while they're busy.

I sneak out of my room, but the stuck ghost looks my way.

"Oh! I see him, hurry!"

I rush to the door. My hand slips on the lock. No no no! I try again and manage to unlock the door and get out. I resist the urge to look back as I run downstairs, but stop short when I arrive at the main entrance. Two more of these things are trying to get in, pushing on the locked entrance doors. They see me and start hitting the glass with their mouths wide open, showing off their huge, pointy teeth. I spin around and run for the emergency exit on the back.

I take a peek out at the deserted narrow alley. Yes! They didn't think of coming over here, yet. I look both side. Where should I go? They're flying and they seem to be after me. I shouldn't stay in the open for too long. I look up. Squadrons of insects are flying high up in the sky. Wait, if I can see them from this far, that means their size is … What the heck is going on?

I walk down the alley, closely following the walls, until I find an open window leading to a basement. It's dark in there, but it seems to be some sort of storage room. I put on my frontal lamp and throw my bag inside. The window is quite small, but I'm small enough to fit through. Just as I'm sliding my legs in, I hear footsteps coming over from around the corner. Humans? I'm not taking the risk. I throw myself in and fall down on the floor, causing a loud stomping noise that echos around the room. Shit! I grab my bag and hide behind a shelving unit.

"Did you hear that? Maybe it was a human."

"Yeah, whatever. It'll probably run away like the other one. Master told us to make sure we're being seen by a lot of humans. Why are we wasting our time over here?"

What, so they just want to be seen?

"Don't you think chasing after lone ones is more fun? … Right, I just don't want to get in the way, we could end up crushed or worse. And I'm not interested in destroying this world anyway. Let's just find a safe spot and hide until this is over."

Destroying … Oh god, Tk! I hope he's fine.

"Good idea. We wouldn't make a big difference anyway, the big ones are already gathering all their attention."

I start breathing again once the footsteps are gone. I get up and stare at the window while running scenarios after scenarios in my head, but it's useless, there's just no way I can get to Takeru alive. Tsk … did Mom really have to move so far away from us?

There's no other way, I'll have to stay here until things calm down outside first. I turn on my frontal lamp and look around. The room is quite empty, is it still even used? There's only two doors, one is locked and the other leads to a small office with no window. Perfect, I lock myself inside and immediately walk up to the mini fridge in a corner. I find two bottles of water, a ton of beers and nothing to eat. Well, it's better than nothing I guess. I get up and look around the office. No, it can't be, I must have missed it. I search the desk again. Why wouldn't there be a phone?! What the heck is this office for?

Distant muffled explosion sounds are now constantly coming through. I don't like this, I know Dad would have called as soon as he knew something was going on. Maybe the station was attacked and … My arm brushes away a pile of papers that I watch glide to the floor. I turn around and continue searching the office.

I open a drawer and find the expected stash of dirty magazines. Beer, porn and no phone, whoever _works_ down here probably doesn't get much done. There's magazines with naked women, but also with naked men. That person is probably like me, they don't see the difference. I mentioned this to Dad once, but he got really mad. He yelled that I was feeling that way just because I was still too young to understand these things. It's a good thing I didn't start by mentioning the crush I have on a boy in my class. Before that I used to think that I could tell Dad anyth—

A huge explosion, way worst than any of the ones before, sends the floor and the walls shaking like everything is made of cardboard. I drop the magazine and plunge under the desk. After the initial blow, this long, horrible crumbling sound just go on forever, filled with metal bending, cables snapping and splashing noises. I cover my head. Tk, Dad … Mom, please be safe.


	2. Taichi, shut-in

Present day

* * *

Everyone's gaze is on me as I drag my heavy limbs to the ball. I carefully position myself and kick, but my foot only hits the air. Over and over, I keep missing the ball. Not this again. The coach just stands there with his arms crossed, glaring at me. And the rest of the team won't come to help, they think it's all my fault. The tightness in my chest gets unbearable, I open my mouth to scream how unfair this is, but the words get stuck in my throat and instead I start gasping and pani—

"I'm leaving. Bye Dad! Bye Mom!" Hikari yells right beside my bedroom door, jerking me awake.

Urg. Hikari is doing this on purpose. I bet she can't stand that I get to stay in bed while she has to go to school. Does she think I'm enjoying being like this? Probably. Like she'd understand. I turn on my back and open my eyes, just to see those wooden slates again. That bunked bed is still holding up huh? I wonder, would I die suffocating if the mattress fell over me while I'm asleep? One can dream … I was dreaming I think, but I can't recall much already. All there's left is a lump in my throat and the nagging feeling of being a failure. Well, the second part is just me being perceptive.

My stomach growls. Better get up and … crap, last night I forgot to go grab some food. I shove my blanket away and peek under my pajama. Nope, I definitely can't skip meals anymore, or else I'll start looking like an anorexic. Sis just left so it shouldn't be long before Dad leaves for work. The real problem is Mom. If I'm lucky she'll leave the house or at least take a nap at some point. If I'm not she'll stay glued to the kitchen all day.

Mom and Dad chat together as they walk in front of my room, then the front door opens and closes. I listen to the silence. Did Mom just leave with Dad? I get up and go stick my ear to the door, still nothing. I release the lock and open up just enough to peek out. Yup, the way is clear. I get out and rush to the toilet. No bucket this morning. While I'm washing my hands the corner of my eye spots my matted hair through the mirror. Yeah, I could use a shower, but … Urg, it's such an undertaking, plus I have no idea when Mom's coming back anyway.

In the kitchen I start filling a plastic bag with whatever I get my hands on that's edible without cooking. I kick shut the fridge's door, causing some tickets to dangle. Looking closer my heart skips a beat as I read _The New Wolfgang_ , one of the hottest band in Japan! The concert is at the end of the month, on December 24th. Huh. They must really want to be in their hometown for the holidays if they decided to do a Christmas concert outside at the Ultra Park. There's only three tickets. My chest tightens instantly, but I shake the sensation away. It's normal that they didn't invite me, and I would have refused to go anyway. Actually, I'm glad that they didn't, it proves that they're done with their pestering. They're finally leaving alone the silent food eating, poop making failure squatting under their roof.

Holding my grocery bag, I take a stroll around the apartment. I spot the couch, sprint and jump over, expecting a soft landing, but instead my ass falls on a hardcover book. Pulling it out I recognize the manual of mathematics that I used during my second year of high school. Pfft, sitting my ass on it was quite appropriate. Does it mean Hikari has the same teacher that I had? I can't decide if I want her to be stuck with that asshole or not. It doesn't matter, I'm sure he'd be nice to _her_. I start scratching on a corner, the cardboard there is all puffy and dusty.

I'm such a shitty big brother. She'd probably agree to that. I wonder if she ever talks to her friends about her pathetic sibling who's been hiding in his room for nearly three years. Maybe she tells everyone that she's an only child. When we were kids she used to follow me around all the time, looking at me like I was the coolest brother. I miss that time, long before my life started to crumble.

I flip through the pages of the book. From what I can hear through my door, Hikari seems to be doing great, she has good grades and good friends. I'm glad she gets to enjoy her life in high school, I really am, so why do I keep having this sickening feeling in my chest? I fetch a pen on the side table, then pick a page I figure she hasn't worked on yet and start scribbling. I have no artistic talent whatsoever, but my weirdly proportioned and inadvertently winking kitty should be good enough to bring a smile on her face, or at least a light curl on her lips. I tried to make it look like Miko, but she probably won't recognize our late cat.

Getting up, I spot a wrapping showing from under the couch. I crouch and stare in awe at a fortune cookie. It must be from the other day's take out diner, how lucky! My day just got a whole lot better. As I grab the cookie, my eyes drift toward the left and catch a silver glimmer. A five hundred yen coin! Holy crap, I should check under here more often. I stretch my arm and take the money. With this I'll be able to buy a couple drinks from the vending machines. I don't steal money from my family, but I consider _lost_ coins to be a gray area.

Back in my hole, I gently squeeze the fortune cookie until it cracks open, then pull out the piece of paper, already expecting my mind to be blown by some ancient wisdom that will solve all my issues.

" _They say the first step is the hardest, but it doesn't mean the next steps won't be hard._ " The cookie says.

I go to my window and throw out the cookie. Who ever eats it anyway. I slouch back on the bed and bury my face in my pillow. All I wanted was a little false hope. Isn't it what those stupid fortunes are all about? I silently curse whoever decided to put that piece of paper in my cookie for ruining my day, wishing for their life to be filled with first steps.

I finally get my appetite back after dozing off and slide down on the floor where I dropped the bag of food. I eat an apple, a yogurt and four crackers that I spread peanut butter on, then sit in front of my computer with a bottle of water. My first order of business is always to check the RSS feed I set up to track information on the monsters' attack. Nothing interesting comes up today either, only a couple articles rehashing, months late, the tenth anniversary of the monsters' defeat. I was hoping for an update from DigiHacker, but nope, no crazy theory about a parallel digital world today either.

I click on the link to an article from the Odaiba Weekly and a photo of a giant serpent like sea creature destroying the bridge appears on the screen. I only skim through the article as reading it would be a waste of time, I saw the bridge we had just crossed get obliterated live from the rear window of our car. I watched with my mouth wide open, my mind not picking up yet that Dad's parents and sister were following us in their car. I can still hear my father's frantic yelling as he pulled over and looked at the last couple cars passing by that made it, hoping to see my grand-parents' blue Toyota. I close the article, a lump forming inside my throat.

I shouldn't have looked at that article, now my mind is all tangled up with bitter ruminations again. I get that losing his family like this crushed Dad, I really do, but I still can't forgive him. Did he really have to become an alcoholic and put us through years of nothing but shit? Yes, he did finally sober up and find a steady job, but it was too little, too late. By then I was in high school, living a nightmare. I bang my feet on the desk and the bottle of water falls, spilling water on my mouse. I pick it up and send it flying through the room, splashing the rest of the liquid all over the floor. Well, that was stupid.

I turn back toward the screen and hurry to close all that crap. Today I'll just numb that stupid brain of mine by binge watching anime.

I only leave my computer at diner time, when Mom calls everyone over. I go sit beside my door, wrap my arms around my legs and listen to my family chatting. That way I get to know what's going on with their lives. My nose picks up a delicious curry smell, I hope there's left overs.

"Did you check to make sure he's not dead?" My charming Dad asks Mom.

"He stole food this morning so he's fine." Stole? What are you talking about Mom? I'm your son.

"Why don't you just get him out of here already? He's an adult now." Sis …

"We thought about it, but if we do this we'll find him dead in an alley within a week." Dad says.

"Honey! What your father means is, we don't think your brother is able to properly function in society. Letting him stay here and hope he matures eventually might be our only option." Mom adds, pushing the dagger further into my already damaged self esteem.

I stop listening, my mood has taken enough of a beating for today. I turn over and rest my back on the door. My lips twist into an upside down frown as I look at all the tied up plastic bags pilling up in every corner of the room, under the bed and even on the top bunk. I really do fit in here, surrounded by trash. Still, I really should go out tonight to throw away some garbage, I've put off doing this for almost a month. The fortune cookie mentioned a first step, this might as well be it. The way I am now, I don't think I could accomplish anything harder anyway.

At eleven thirty I make sure everyone has gone to bed, then sneak out and bring some curry rice back in my room. I dip my finger in the cold sauce. Mmmmm, delicious as always, but my stomach will have to wait. I better take care of the chore before I change my mind.

I put on a couple pullovers and borrow Hikari's pink mitts and toque on my way out with four garbage bags. Outside my nostrils instantly stick together and I start breathing out white smoke. The weather's all messed up right now, normally it would hardly ever get below the freezing point. If I wasn't just going to the bin, I'd definitely have to put on my stinky old coat.

I go downstairs and try to open the sliding door on the side of the bin, but it doesn't budge. It's either stuck or I'm just too weak, probably the later. I try to throw the bags high enough to get them over in the bin, but only manage to receive them back in my face a couple times. I need a step or something. I spot a chair beside a door, borrow it and finally throw my trash away. It's about time, I'm freezing. I rush back to the apartment and open the door … except that the door is locked. What?


	3. Taichi, locked-out

I turn the knob a couple times, twenty, to make sure that I'm not mistaken.

I couldn't … I didn't … maybe someone had to go to the bathroom and noticed the front door was unlocked. It's either that or they heard me leave and used that God sent opportunity to lock me out, just like people do when they want to get rid of their ugly pet. I try to somehow release the lock by shaking and twisting the knob slowly, then fast, then frantically. Nothing do, that stupid knob laughs at me by remaining locked. The first step is the hardest my ass.

I look at the doorbell. I guess any normal human being in this situation would wake their family. I picture their tired yet sharp judgmental gaze on me and my hand loses its grip on the handle, falling back to my side. I sigh and turn around. It's just for the night, I'll be fine. Mom doesn't lock the door after the others leave in the morning so I can sneak back in then. Avoiding Mom will be tricky but I'll take the risk. Well, that's if they didn't lock me out on purpose.

I walk to the apartment building's storeroom and face another locked door. Dammit, what's with all the locked doors, we're in Japan! I check my pockets out of principle, I've lost my key at least a year ago. My hand touches a cap or something that I pull out. I stare at the silver piece of metal in the middle of my pink mitt. Five hundred yen … Oh, right! Now I know where I can spend the night.

* * *

I sneak a peek inside the Seven Eleven through the window. Good, there's only the clerk. Still, my legs don't move and my heart starts racing. I'm a shut-in, going in there goes against every fiber of my body. But I don't have a choice, right now my shivering body is losing its battle against the cold. I clench my fists, my jaw, bow my head, take a deep breath and walk inside. Staring at the linoleum, I grab a bag of chips and a soda that I place on the counter along with the money. I glance up just long enough to see the weird look the clerk is giving me, but he says nothing and simply pushes the plate with my change. With my shaking pink mitted hand, I manage to pick up the coins and go sit at the small table by the window. The clock on the wall shows twelve thirty, I have eight hours to wait until I can go back home. Hopefully the clerk will let me stay that long.

An hour later my snack is long gone but I'm still sitting at the table, keeping a low profile to avoid the clerk's attention. I jump when the door opens. A guy about my age walks in, then pulls his hands out of the pockets of his worn out black jacket and blow on them. Strands of unkempt blond hair peek out of his gray hoodie.

I watch as the guy grabs a six pack of beer, walks to the counter and throws the drinks in front of the clerk looking at him sternly. "Hum... Sir..." I feel for him, it must be hard to deal with these situations. I'm certain I couldn't.

I glance at the clock, doesn't that guy know that stores can't sell alcohol after eleven? I don't hear him say anything but still, after a minute he turns around with his beer paid. He walks toward the exit, shooting at me an ice cold glare with amazing blue eyes. He pushes the door and leave. Dammit, I shouldn't have been staring at him, but I couldn't help it, he looked cool even with his scruffy look. My gaze drops down to Hikari's pink mitts that I'm still wearing, of course a guy like him would be grossed out by a weirdo like me.

A pale hand places a can of beer in my hands sitting on my lap. My mind goes blank for a second, then I look up and catch the blond guy walking back out. He just gave me a beer. Why? A second ago he was looking at me angrily. I turn the beverage around in my hands. Surely it means nothing, the guy probably just thought I looked pitiful or something. There's no reason for me to be feeling all warm and giddy inside. I close my eyes, tightly squeezing shut my burning eyelids.

By four in the morning I came out of my shell a little and dared getting up to read magazines. The clerk has been ignoring me the whole time, which actually helped me feel less out of place. He's now busy switching up the old newspapers for the Saturday edition. I stare at the papers, a nagging feeling that something is wrong.

Then it hits me like a train. It's the weekend, my plan won't work. I can't sneak in with both Sis and Mom in the apartment and Dad glued in front of the television.

I slowly replace the Shonen Jump magazine, sit back at the table and bury my face in my arms. Dammit, why is this happening to me? I'm tired, I just want to be in my bed, but I can't face my family. I just can't. Avoiding them at home was so natural, I didn't realize how strongly I've come to dread seeing them. Or is it them seeing me? My eyes get teary and a sob escape my mouth, then I just let go and cry out the jumble of emotions I'm keeping inside. It feels so good, but then I remember the clerk and the spell is broken. I sniff and peek sideways under my arm, the clerk is busy tying up the piles of old newspapers. He stops, glances in my direction, then stands and walks away to the back of the store. As soon as he's gone I hurry and wipe my face.

As the sun rises, the convenience store starts to be busy. The clientele has shifted from bums and night shift workers to proper salary men and cram school students. The clerk is gone, replaced by other employees looking at me weirdly. I get glances from the clients too, and everyone keeps whispering to each other. Two teenage girls walk in front of me and laugh together.

I get up and rush out in the cold. I almost run to take the first turn to a quieter street and then start breathing again. I slow down and head for the park, at this time of year it must be deserted. There I climb inside a tunnel in the playground, curl up and doze off a couple times, but the cold keeps waking me. I tuck my chin and nose inside my clothes. It's fine, I need to think of a solution anyway.

I think … I might be able to wait and sneak home Monday morning. I'll be fine if I go back to the Seven Eleven tonight and tomorrow night, right? Hopefully the same clerk will be doing those shifts. And I doubt two days is long enough for my family to realize that I'm not there. I usually never come out of my room on weekends anyway. Yeah, this will work. Monday I'll be back in my room and it'll be like none of this even happened.

I sit and crack the beer open. The smell instantly reminds me of Dad staggering between the couch and the fridge, mumbling scary negative stuff while Hikari and I are eating breakfast before going to school. I take a sip, it tastes bitter.

* * *

I wish I could stay in my hideout all day, but after a couple hours my stiff body has to move. I get out and start walking around town, making sure to avoid the busy streets. I'm fine for a while, until the wind picks up and sucks away all my body heat. I take cover under an overpass, but at this point it barely helps. I can't stay like this, I need to warm up somehow, or else … But I can't go to a restaurant without ordering something and as for the stores … Nope I can't, that's just impossible for me, especially on a busy Saturday afternoon. I wriggle my toes freezing in my old sneakers. Come on, isn't there anywhere I can go? The rattling sound of a train passing close by thankfully gives me the answer.

I rush to the closest train station, wait around the corner until the wave of passengers is done walking through the doors, then finally sneak inside and into the restroom. Safely hidden in the last stall, I slide down to the floor and enjoy the feeling of my body warming up. This is great. Wait no, this is perfect, I can just stay here until closing time today and tomorrow. Why didn't I think of that sooner?! I can be so dense some—

I freeze as the door of the restroom opens. Holding my breath, I listen to the guy unzip his pants, use the urinal, zip up and leave. He didn't wash his hands … Well, who am I to judge, I'm sitting on the floor of a public restroom.

An hour later, it turns out that hiding here isn't possible after all. "Sir, I need to clean this stall. Sir? Are you alright sir? … Sir?!" The cleaning lady continues calling while I stare, petrified, at the door shaking under each knock. "Sir, I'm sorry but I'll have to open up." Dammit …

The old lady opens the door and her worried expression falls as she sees me. She looks me up and down. "What were you doing in here?" She tilts her head and inspects the stall, which is obviously fine, but she still gives me a cold glare that forces me to look down at my hands firmly gripping my sweater. I don't answer, I'm positive I can't produce a sound right now, and even if I could, what would I tell her? After long seconds of excruciating silence, she sighs and steps away from the door. "Get out." She doesn't have to tell me twice, head bowed down I walk away. "Loitering is forbidden in the station, did I make myself clear?" She adds as I step out of the restroom. Yeah, don't worry, I won't come back, or go anywhere else.

I go back to aimlessly wandering outside in the cold. Dammit, now I'm not sure tonight I'll have the nerve to go back to the convenience store …

I turn into an alley and sit down against the wall, safely hiding between a bin and a pile of empty boxes. I'm shaking, but this time it's not because I'm cold. Dammit. I close my eyes and plug my ears, but the woman with her glaring eyes and cold voice doesn't go away. I get it though, she wasn't in the wrong at all. She must have seen a lot over the years of cleaning those public restrooms, of course she'd be put off by a weirdo hiding in a toilet stall. Anyone would be. That clerk must have been too. Anywhere I go it'll be the same … I've felt that I didn't belong before, but never like this. Right now I can't physically be anywhere and it's awful.

My butt is freezing, I get up and start walking. Moving helps both warming up and toning down my sulking thoughts, but I can't wait to be back in my room. Well, I say that but … I still can't face my family, not even now. No, especially not now that I've got a taste of the kind of look I'd get.

Down the alley I emerge from between the two buildings, stop short and step back right away. Crap, I ended up at the market place. I peek around, the pedestrian road is full of people walking in and out of the stores and restaurants. I remember coming here as a kid, during summer many sellers and artisans set up little shops along the road.

My stomach growls at the delicious smells coming from the restaurants around. Right, it must be dinner time by now. Dammit, if only I had a little something to eat, anything, a cookie or even a candy usually is enough to make my stomach shut up. And to think that Mom's curry is still sitting on my desk, I should have eaten it right away. I walk back and check to make sure I'm alone before I pull the bin's cover. Sure, there's food in there but … There's also squashed food remnants all over the sides of the container. Nope, I can't eat anything coming from in there. I'll throw up for sure. I didn't check the bin for nothing though, because I'm not hungry anymore.

I'm strolling down the alley that runs along the market place, warming up my arms by scrubbing them, when the sound of a guitar playing finds its way to my ears. Curious, I walk back to the market place and peek around the corner. I find where the music is coming from and stare incredulous at the blond guy sitting on a snow covered flower pot in the middle of the pedestrian road. He's wearing the same clothes as last night.

Not only is he playing guitar, but now I can hear him sing too. His guitar case receives some coins from someone passing by who barely slows down for a few seconds. I stand still, mesmerized by the song. The slow, sad melody with regretful lyrics resonates perfectly with how I feel. It's like I'm hearing music clearly for the first time. Although, that's probably just my body being in survival mode because of the cold, hunger and sleep deprivation, but I brush the thought away. I want to enjoy this moment, I haven't felt like doing so in a very long time.

I snap back to reality when the blond stops playing, my teeth are chattering and my whole body is shivering. For how long have I been standing here? The sun is setting. I cross my arms, but my stiff hands can't even grip on them. My legs are numb, it feels like they're about to give out. This isn't good, I doubt I can reach the Seven Eleven like this. Dad's words come back to mind. He was right, I'm really going to die in this alley. The blond guy is almost finished packing up his guitar. He gave me a beer, maybe he'll help me out if I ask him. Normally I'd rather die than have to talk to a stranger, but now that death is the actual other option, I'm not so sure. I open my mouth, but no sound comes out. Oh God, no, this can't be happening! As panic sets in, I helplessly watch the guy put his guitar on his back, ready to leave, but instead of walking away, he walks straight up to me.

"Come with me." He says as he slides his arm around me and drags me away from the market.

* * *

The guy uses his arm to support me as we walk in silence. It doesn't seem too hard for him, I'm scrawny and almost a head shorter than him. We reach a part of the city that hasn't been rebuilt after the monsters' attacks. With the destroyed bridge and collapsed economy, compromises had to be made so the government just put fences around those _less important_ areas. They did promise to clean them eventually but, ten years later these ruins are still here, notorious for crawling with hobos, junkies and criminals.

Oh.

He turns and starts dragging me toward a deserted two story building. Crap, what am I doing? Once I'm in there that stranger will be free to do whatever he wants with me, like steal my organs or worse. I'm so stupid, he knows that I'm sort of staying on the streets, to him I must be an easy prey. As we're nearing the entrance, in a panic I try to stop us by planting my feet on the ground, but all it does is make him click his tongue and push me a little harder.

"I'm not going to hurt you." He says with a low, retrained voice that somehow releases the knots in my stomach.

He pulls what used to be a glass door, but is now covered in plywood, and pushes me forward. I stumble into what is mostly just a huge bare room with some pillars. Several small huts are squattered around, made of planks, sheets or other materials. He grabs me again and we advance toward the middle of the room where there's a couple barrel fires surrounded by chairs, a couch and walls of boxes and crates full of junk. There's also what seems to be a kitchen area on the left with a long table stocked with food and cookware, dishes and utensils. I don't see anyone around, but it's obvious other people live here.

The guy pushes me toward the couch and pretty much forces me to sit, then walks to some boxes where he finds a couple blankets that he proceeds to wrap around my shoulders. He pulls down the pink toque on my head and tuck me in by kneeling and pulling the blankets over my legs. Once he's done he looks up to me with a frown. Is he angry at me?

"Are you starting to feel warmer?" He asks. I nod, even though my body is still shivering. "You need to eat something." He says, standing up.

I watch him punch holes on a can with a knife before placing it on a grill over a fire. Then he smells in a kettle and pour its content into a cup that he brings with him to the couch. He approaches the cup to my mouth and I instinctively pull away, but he grabs the back of my head and forces me to drink what turns out to be just some tea. After I finish drinking, the guy walks away and I close my eyes.

"Hey!" Someone yells, jerking me awake.

The blond is in front of me, holding a can of beans and a spoon that he shoves into my mouth. He feeds me a couple spoonfuls until my eyelids just refuse to stay up anymore.

* * *

" _Hum... Sir..." The guy at the counter begins._

 _Oh no, not tonight. Don't fuck with me tonight! I tell him clearly without a word. He gets it because he shuts his mouth and scans the beers. He's scared of me, but still has the guts to give me a disdainful look as he hands me my change. Whatever._

 _I grab the beers and walk to the door, noticing the boy sitting near the window. A teen without a coat hanging out in a convenience store at one in the morning, he must be having it rough. Our eyes meet just before I push the door and leave the store. I take two steps outside, then stop short. Tsk. I've done it again. The last thing that kid needs right now is some asshole glaring at him._

 _I turn around and get back in the store. As I feared, the boy is now looking down with his shoulders curved in. I shove the only thing I have on me in his hands and leave again. I hope it'll be enough to make up for my shittyness._


	4. Taichi, the new kid

"Hey, what do you think you're doing? He told us to stay away from his tent." A guy says.

"I thought I'd check to see if he needs anything." A girl says.

"Yeah, right. You're just curious. Come back, you know how he is when he's angry." The guy orders and the girl giggles.

The voices die out as I wake up. I open my eyes, expecting to see the bunked bed, but instead there's a blue tarp hanging over me. I'm in a tiny room, laying down on a mattress under a pile of blankets. That's why I feel so hot. I push everything away and sit. The only other furniture is a shelving unit made of four milk crates. On the shelves are a battery operated lamp, a jar full of coins, some hygiene and hair products, a thick black book and several music albums beside an old fashioned portable Cd player. Clothes are hanging all over the walls and cardboard boxes cover the floor. I grab a piece of paper left beside the bed.

" _I'll be back later. If you're hungry there's food in the center. I told the others about you. They won't hurt you._ " I assume the blond wrote the note. That guy sounds just as cold when he writes.

I crawl out of the bed and pull the sheet covering the doorway just enough to peek out. I'm in the hut closest to the entrance, on the right. In the center four people are hanging around the barrels. That's four too many. I release the sheet and drag my heavy body back to bed. I'm not hungry anyway.

* * *

There's a voice, something shaking me, then my head starts throbbing. I open my eyes. The tall blond guy is there, staring down at me with eyes glowing as blue as the bright sky radiating everywhere. The rest of his face is dark though, he's hiding behind his shadow.

"How are you feeling?" The yellow light surrounding him blinks as he talks.

He's shadow and light. Oh. The yellow is fighting the blue. The soccer game. They'll lose but I still need to do what they said. What was it? I kept a note. Dammit, I have to find it. I know I left it in my head, maybe it's the throbbing pain. I have to solve it. The guy's jaw contracts, glowing more yellow, then he's over me and our foreheads touch. Everything is black and dark, I prefer the sky.

"Fuck!"

Oh. The sky is back. But I haven't done what I have to do. They're going to be pissed again. The balls … It's a clear day, if I count the … Another tall guy with glasses is here. He pulls out of his bag a weird thermometer. He's clearly on the blue side. I'm suddenly facing the wall and my pants are pulled down. Oh.

"His temperature is too high. Bring me water and towels, fast."

I roll, then I'm facing the sky again. Dark lines have appeared on the forehead of the guy with glasses. His eyes look in mine. They're not glowing, it's scary. I close my eyes and get slapped on the face.

"Don't fall asleep."

The pseudo blue doctor empties a small packet into a cup. It takes forever. Then the blond is here.

"Yamato, pull him up. He has to drink."

Yamato, huh. My shoulders are pulled until I'm sitting, then my back is leaned against him. A mountain. I giggle, but there's no sound.

"What's up with him?"

"Hrm... He's confused because of the fever. That's not good."

Yamato holds my head and glasses guy approaches the cup to my mouth. They're punishing me already? No, not yet, I can still do it. I shut my mouth, but fingers break in and the liquid is poured inside me. I fall back on the bed like a rock.

I'm cold. Oh. Blurred shadows are placing cold on me. Nothing is shining anymore.

* * *

I wake up in the dark, hungry and thirsty. There's just enough light coming through the sheet for me to see a cup on the ground beside my head. I pick it up as I sit and take a tiny sip. It's water, I down the cup then slowly advance on all four in the direction I think the crates are. I accidentally shove some stuff away, but my hand finally touches the lamp.

The sudden brightness blinds me for a few seconds until my eyes adapt. I look down and stare at the over sized gray sweatshirt and black jogging pants I'm now wearing. My clothes are hanging on the wall, all clean and dry. How many hours have I slept? It's blurry, but I remember coming in and out of consciousness and seeing Yamato or another guy with me.

"You're finally awake." Yamato's voice makes me jump. I turn toward the door, he's staring at me while holding up the sheet, I look away. "I saw the light. Come eat something." He says and leaves.

I peek out and watch Yamato walk back to the center where there's three other persons. Urg. I really don't want to meet them, I can't even recall the last time I talked with strangers. Yamato might come back with food if I don't go, but I get the feeling that I'll receive an especially angry glare if I do that. I change back into my clothes and put on my sister's toque and mitts, then exhale and crawl out of the hut.

As I slowly approach the center, I recognize the tall guy with glasses who treated me. He's eating something from a bowl while sitting on one of the chairs. Another guy is sitting on the couch and seems to be having a really good time because he keeps giggling. He's quite small compared to the others and has red hair. Then there's a girl busy sorting through clothes in a garbage bag. She's wearing a black skirt over pink leggings, black leg warmers, a pink jacket and matching black and pink plaided mitts and toque. She obviously put more thoughts on her outfit than the other two wearing layers of dirty old clothes. Even Yamato's clothes look better than theirs.

"Hungry?" Yamato asks from the table as I arrive. I nod.

"Ah!" The girl drops the clothes she's holding and rushes to me.

"Mimi." Yamato calls with a harsh voice and she stops short, but doesn't lose her smile.

"Hi there! I'm glad to see you're better. You scared us back then, we all thought you were gonna die." The guy on the couch burst out laughing. Yeah, it's really funny. "Don't mind Koushiro, he's high." She explains.

The guy with glasses steps up and puts his hand on my forehead, then starts palpating my neck. He seems to know what he's doing so I let him continue his examination. I'm just glad he's not pulling out his thermometer again. He takes my pulse, then backs away, crossing his arms. "Good." He says, a satisfied look on his face. Maybe he's really some sort of doctor. I want to thank him, but the words don't come out of my mouth and I end up just bowing, causing the others to chuckle. "That's rather formal, but you're welcome." He says, clearly amused.

I get up, but keep my gaze on the dirty concrete floor. It's only been a couple minutes and I've already made a fool of myself. A bowl full of warm stew ends up in front of me and I force myself to smile back at Yamato. I know I'm not good with people, but has socializing always been this impossibly hard? I start eating where I'm standing. The sooner I'm done, the sooner I can go back in the hut. Yamato sighs, puts a hand on my back and pushes me toward the couch.

"Get up." He orders the junkie who obeys with a grin, then we both sit on the couch. "What's your name?" He asks.

"Taichi." I say with a voice I barely recognize as my own.

"He can talk!" Koushiro screams and receives a glare from Yamato, which doesn't seem to affect him at all. I wonder … Actually, when was the last time I spoke?

"I'm Yamato, the jerk here is Koushiro, this is Mimi and the one who treated you is Jou. There's also Sora, but she's sulking in her tent." Yamato says, pointing at each one of them.

"N-Nice to meet you." I mumble.

I feel my face blushing so I keep my head down and eat. The stew is surprisingly quite good, meat is practically nonexistent but Yamato mixed in beans and other stuff to make up for it. Everyone is silent but I can feel all their eyes on me.

"I bet he ran away because he's being bullied at school." Mimi says out of the blue. How old does she think I am?

"I say he ran away because his father beats him." Jou says. Is this some sort of game? They're talking like I'm not even here so I ignore them and continue eating.

"I can tell you right away that you're wrong." Yamato says. "I didn't see any mark or bruise when I changed his clothes."

The stew I was swallowing flies back out of my mouth. Yamato pats my back until I stop coughing. I glance sideways and catch a hint of a smile on the blond's face.

"What's your guess then?" Mimi asks.

"He definitely didn't run away. I think he was kicked out of his home." Yamato responds. Well, he's wrong, but he's still by far the closest to the truth.

"Why would they kick him out? He doesn't seem like a problem kid at all. It makes no sense." Mimi says.

"Yeah, I don't know either. Maybe his parents just never loved him, something like that." Yamato says with a shrug.

"Koushiro! What do you think?" Mimi calls the redheaded guy at the table busy shoving crackers in his already full mouth.

"Hmmm..." He studies me while chewing. I look away. "The boy can't be a run away. He doesn't have anything except clothes and a couple coins. No coat. The clothes he was wearing were old and all the same size, but too big for him. Plus he's shy, pale, scrawny and his hair is long, unkempt." He says, shifting on his feet and scratching his arm. What does my hair or the size of my clothes have to do with being a run away or not?

"What if he had to get out fast and couldn't find his coat?" Mimi proposes, but a smirk appears on Koushiro's face.

"No way. Shut-ins don't run away."

Everyone falls silent. My body stiffens. I hate when people say that word, there's always disdain in their voice. I close my eyes. I'm back in my bedroom, quiet, away from all the judgments. Tomorrow's Monday so I'll be able to … Wait.

"What day is it?" I whisper.

"Wednesday." Yamato says. The bowl escapes my hands and rolls away on the floor, leaving a trail of stew.

No, this can't be happening. It must be a mistake. I can't have stayed unconscious that long. It can't be. Otherwise it would mean it's over, I can't sneak back home. They don't talk to me anymore, but Mom does check that I'm alive so she would have realized that I'm not there. I can't face them, I just can't … and even if I could … why would they let me back in, when they're finally freed of their useless letdown of a son? Dammit, if that's true, what am I supposed to do now?

Yamato is silent, looking at me weirdly. The others too. My lips tightly shut, I put my feet on the couch and bury my face in my knees.

"Jeez, look at what you've done K. We were supposed to put him at ease, not make him cry." Mimi says.

"What?! I just said he was a shut-in. It's not an insult, it's a fact!"

"Shut up Koushiro. I knew this was a bad idea. Yamato, do something." Jou orders.

A tongue clicks on my left, then my feet are pushed away from the couch and my legs fall, revealing my damp face.

"Tsk. Listen kid. We don't care what you are or where you're coming from. Look at us, we're all withdrawn from society. If you don't want to talk to us, fine, but I swear we won't judge you. If you tell us what happened, then maybe we'll be able to help you."

Yamato's irritated voice is somewhat oddly comforting. I wipe my face with my arm and look around, Mimi is smiling at me. I take a deep breath.

"While my family was sleeping I went out to throw away some garbage, but when I came back the door was locked." I explain, my voice still rough.

There's a short silence, then everyone bursts out laughing. Even Yamato is covering his mouth with his hand. I shouldn't have trusted them. Yes, I know it's a stupid story, but … I get up and start running away from the laughs toward the exit, but someone catches up to me and wraps their arms around my shoulders, pulling me back against them.

"Sorry, we shouldn't have laughed." It's Yamato, the laughs have stopped. "Why didn't you just knock then?" He asks.

The exit is a couple feet away. Outside must be cold and dangerous. Somehow it's clear in my mind that I won't make it through the night out there. Tears are still coming out of my eyes. Yamato's grip kind of feels like a hug. I can't recall the last time someone hugged me.

"I couldn't … The way they look at me, it's like they think I'm defective, worthless." I whisper and Yamato's grip on my shoulders tightens a little.

"If you don't want to go back, you can stay here." He says.

… Is he serious? Why? They don't even know me.

"I don't think it's a good idea to let a teen live here." Jou points out.

That again! They keep using teen and kid to refer to me. Mimi appears in front of me with her hands joined behind her back, then tilts her head with an impish smile.

"Come on Jou, it's not like he's twelve. He looks young but I'm sure he's sixteen, right Taichi?" She says, giving me an insistent look.

Yamato releases me and steps back, like he's gauging my age too. I turn around, everyone's doing the same. Okay, so apparently I look way younger than twenty one. I knew I was scrawny, but that … Does staying inside stop your growth? Kind of like a plant? I should tell them my age, but … Right now they see me as an helpless teen, that explains why Yamato bothered to help me. If I were to say my real age now, they would start considering me as the failed adult that I am instead.

"I'm s-sixteen." I say, my eyes drifting to one of the broken windows behind the girl.

"See?" Mimi says, winking at me. Jou shakes his head.

"Yeah, right. I still think this is not a good place for him, but do what you want. However." Jou walks closer to Yamato with a straight face. "He's your responsibility Yamato. Make sure you don't let him almost die again." The two stare at each other until Yamato flinches, his shoulders collapsing.

"I won't." He says.

A pair of arms coming from behind squeeze my waist and I gasp.

"Welcome to the group!" Mimi says, her chin poking my shoulder. Wait, I don't recall agreeing to live here yet. "Let's throw him a welcoming party! Yamato, go buy us lots of beers." She adds, flashing him with a sparkling smile.

"Tsk … Fine, but just this time." He mutters as he turns toward the exit.

I wriggle out of the girl's grip. "I'll come with you!" I almost shout as I latch onto his jacket.

"Looks like you got yourself a little gosling to follow you around." Koushiro teases, causing a wave of chuckles.

I don't care that I look pathetic, just the idea of being left alone with these people I've known for less than an hour is terrorizing. Yamato is pretty much a stranger too, but somehow he's become my only beacon out here.

"Oh come on, it's even colder out tonight and you don't have a coat." Yamato begins, but my silent pleading gaze works wonders because he sighs and turns toward Mimi. "Can you find him something warm to wear?" He asks.

"Yup!" She disappears behind the wall of boxes and comes back a minute later. "I was going to keep it but, here, you can have it."

She throws in my direction a pink winter coat with black lining and fur around the hood. I'm tempted to think that she's making fun of me, but the barely used coat clearly isn't cheap and does seem warmer than what the others are wearing.

"Thanks." I say as I put it on. It fits my underdeveloped body perfectly.

We leave the building. Outside is quite dark, but I'm surprised to see street lamps still working here and there. I thought this part of the city was completely cut off. Yamato was right, it's still freezing, way colder than our winters normally are. I couldn't have chosen a worse timing to lock myself out.

"Sorry." Yamato begins, breaking the silence. "I shouldn't have left you alone, it was stupid of me. I should have known that you could get sick." His apology sounds painfully sincere.

"I have a little sister. One time when we were little, I dragged her outside to play soccer even though I knew she was sick. Because of that her condition got worse and she had to be hospitalized." I tell him. He shouldn't be feeling bad, I've done way worse than him.

"I have a younger brother too, he's a little older than you." Yamato says. "… It's been two years since I last saw him." He adds, his voice heavier.

Oh. That explains his caring attitude toward me then. I kick a chunk of ice and watch it roll over the cracked pavement. But two years? Does it mean he's been living out here for that long? I glance at Yamato. He's gazing forward, like he's lost in his thoughts. I could ask him, but what if he finds that I'm prying? I can't risk him disliking me.

We arrive at the same convenience store where I spent the night. I'm merely a block away from home, but it feels like I'm now in a different, detached world that just happens to share the same location. I step inside after Yamato and lock eyes with the clerk from the other night. He smiles right away, like he's glad to see me or something. I give him a quick smile, feeling my cheeks warming up. I'd thank him for letting me stay that night, but I know it's useless, the words won't come out. I haven't thanked Yamato either, I really should at least do it properly with him.

I approach the counter while Yamato is busy picking the beer and look at a stand full of necklaces for sale. One catches my attention right away, the metallic pendant is a wolf with a ferocious face, but its fluffy tail is raised and curved. I'm so bad with words, giving him a gift would be easier. I look at the price tag, it costs five hundred and forty nine yens. Urg. What was I thinking, of course I can't afford it. I feel the clerk's gaze on me and let the tiny wolf dangle back on the stand. Don't worry, I'm not going to steal it.

A loud bang makes me shriek and jerk away from the noise. Yamato flashes me a glare as he lets go of the pack of beers on the counter to grab his wallet. I can't help but take a peek, he seems to have quite a bit of money for someone living on the streets. Did he make all this just by playing music at the market place? Yamato gives a couple bills to the clerk who shifts his gaze to me before staring back at him.

"You two know each other?" The clerk asks, his eyes narrowing.

"Keep the change." Yamato simply responds, then roughly picks up the pack and walks away.

I turn around to follow him, but remember that I wanted to check something. I mumble an apology and rush to the newspaper stand while Yamato tells me to hurry and leaves the store. I turn the pages until I find what I'm looking for, the horoscope.

" _Speech is silver, but silence is golden. The current planetary aspects suggest you do not reveal too much information to the wrong people. Be careful not to disclose certain details that could serve to others against you._ " My horoscope says.

It's a good thing I didn't reveal my age then, but maybe I shouldn't have talked about the incident with Hikari … Urg, reading your horoscope at the end of the day is the worst!

"Hey kid, come here." The clerk calls.

So he thinks I'm younger too. I approach the counter and he stretches his arm toward me, showing me the necklace I was looking at earlier. "Here, take it."

"But I don't …" I mumble while pulling out the coins in my pocket.

"Keep your money, the guy with you didn't take his change so it's paid." The clerk explains. I put away the coins and take the necklace. "By the way, that guy, do you know him?" He asks, glancing toward the entrance. I simply nod, following my horoscope. "Really?" He tilts his head, obviously he's not buying it. I try to nod more confidently this time, but just manage to make him close his eyes and sigh. "Okay, but if something happens, if you need help or anything, you can always come back here, you understand?" He says, looking intensely into my eyes.

I'm blushing, I can feel it. I nod again and flee out of the store. What's up with him? Last time he just ignored me. Well, that's what I wanted, but still.

"What took you so long?" Yamato asks when I catch up to him, out of breath.

"Sorry. The … The clerk wanted to talk to me." I manage to say.

The growl escaping Yamato's throat makes me chuckle and I get the stink eye in return. Yeah, I get why the clerk doesn't like him. If it wasn't for what he already did for me, I'd probably be wary of him too. Or maybe not, I can't say that I'm good at reading people's intentions … Maybe the clerk is right, I'm sure most people would trust him instead of the homeless bum. I could turn around and return to the convenience store, I guess in this situation that'd be the wisest thing to do … I realize that I'm falling behind and run up to Yamato's side.

I glance at Yamato whose expression I can't quite read. He's kind of sulking, maybe because of how the clerk acted toward him. Why did it affect him that much? Like I can ask him.

"Hum … I can help you transport the beers." I propose and almost fall down when Yamato's lips curve into a smirk.

"Really? You think you can? You were out of breath just from running ten seconds. And I saw the other day that you don't have any muscle." He says, raising his eyebrows.

"Just how much did you look at me when you changed my clothes?!" I yell louder than I intended, crossing my arms.

"While I changed your clothes, I didn't." He points out.

"Then … Wait, what?" I look blankly at him, then my mind picks up as Yamato's smile widens.

"I had to, the fever made you sweat a lot." He explains.

"You … I can't believe you did that! You keep the pack then." I say and push Yamato, but he doesn't even budge.

Yamato bends forwards, then a soft, restrained laugh rings around us. How can someone looking so pissed all the time manage to create such an adorable sound? I can't help but smile at the lighthearted giggling.

Once we step back in the ruined area though, Yamato becomes serious again. I watch him glance around as we walk in silence. That's right, this place doesn't have a bad reputation for nothing. He stares for a while at a four stories building on our right, but it's too dark for me to see anything.

"We're safe Taichi." Yamato must have noticed me worry. "It's safe where we live, but don't ever go out alone at night, okay?" I nod, but he stops walking. "I'm serious, promise me." He says. How old does he think … Oh, right.

"I won't, I promise." I mutter, embarrassed. He must be taking what Jou told him very seriously.

Back at the misfits' place, I'm greeted with a sheet with _Welcome Taichi_ scribbled on it hanging on the pile of boxes and Jou, Mimi and Koushiro yelling something that I can only assume is some sort of greeting. I smile back politely, but I'm suddenly feeling weird, kind of out of it.

"Yahoo! Beer!" Mimi screams as she hops to Yamato and tries to open the pack.

"Wait until I put it down." Yamato circles around her and go place the box on one of the chairs.

He pulls out two beers and comes back to me. He opens one up before giving it to me, then cracks open his and starts downing it. I take little sips as I watch the others drink their beers like their lives depend on it.

"Did someone ask Sora to join us?" Yamato asks around.

"Yeah, but she won't come out." Mimi answers.

Oh yeah. There's a girl here that I still haven't met. It's kind of funny. I'm being welcomed by some strangers to squat here like a homeless and I haven't even met all of them yet. Wait no, I'll really be a homeless. The can of beer bends a little under my grip. That … doesn't feel right at all. What am I doing? Shut-in to homeless, no matter how you look at it this isn't an improvement. There's no wonder why I'm feeling so out of it. What are these people so happy about? … Dammit, how much lower can I sink? I would let out a snicker now if my throat wasn't so dry. I take a sip and immediately the drunk old man flashes in my mind. I wonder what he'd have to say. He probably wouldn't give me a week anymore. I bet if he'd see me living like this, with my pink coat, he'd be so embarrassed that he'd act like he doesn't know me. It shouldn't be too hard, he ignored my struggles for years, he shouldn't have a problem forgetting that he ever had a son. He and Mom have perfect little Hikari to be proud of anyway. Urg … I'm such a jerk. She deserves all the praises, plus it's not her fault that my life didn't turn out like hers. And Dad too. He pulled through very difficult years while Mom worked hard to keep the family together. None of them ever gave up like I did … I know all that, it's just … I wish they were even a little bit supportive back when high school turned into hell and everything in my life fell apart. Friends, reputation, soccer, grades, even Miko passed away. But they already had more than their fair share of concerns I guess. Too much to listen to their son or even notice him coming back home everyday dejected, dirty or … Urg, I'm doing it again, blaming them for my pathetic state. But the truth is, I alone screwed everything up the moment I chose to lock myself in my bedroom. Now look at me, I'm a complete social misfit. Is it even possible to recover from that? To be normal again? Or all there's left is to wait for my worthless life to be over. Dammit! I hate this. I want those feelings to stop. Being like this is painful. It's suffocating. I don't want to be this pathetic worthless guy … and I don't want to be alone anymore. I just want to go back and be the happy kid who played soccer and had friends again. Why can't I start over? I've wasted all my chances … I've trapped myself into a corner … I screwed up so bad … It's over isn't it … If I have to live the rest of my life … being like this … I think I'd rather …

"You're going to be fine Taichi. Take a deep breath. One, two, three, four." Someone is talking to me.

I resurface. I'm being led to the couch, sweaty and gasping for air. It's like my chest is being squeezed by an invisible rope or something. Jou is talking to me while Yamato guides me, hands pressed on my shoulders. This isn't good at all, the more I try to breathe, the worse it gets. Oh God, this is it, I'm gonna die. I drop on the couch and Yamato crouches in front of me, looking at me with an angry worrying expression.

"You'll be fine, just take a deep breath while I count to four. One, two, three, four." It's Jou again, his voice is as calm as a Buddhist priest.

I follow Jou's instructions and my breathing slowly comes back to normal. The pressure on my chest disappears. I sniff and use my shaky hand to wipe my face.

"You had a panic attack Taichi." Jou explains. "It feels awful, but I assure you it's nothing serious." I nod to the awful part. "There's other options you know. You could talk to a social worker, or I could go meet your parents with you. With help I'm sure it's possible for you to return hom—"

"No." I croak, shaking my head. "I can't … no … I don't _want_ to go back there."

I get it now. It's not that I can't return, I was just making up excuses. Yamato releases me and stands up, his trembling hands clenching.

"For Christ's sake, if there's something bothering you then JUST SAY IT! Don't wait until you have another panic attack!" He yells at me, surprising us both, then bits his lip and looks away.

"Sorry." It scared him that much, huh. "Hum … Is it really okay for me to live here?" I ask.

"Come ooon, why do you think we bothered putting that thing up?" Koushiro points more or less at the welcome banner with another beer he just fetched from the pack. "What, do you think we're just messing with you?"

"N-no, it's just … You don't know me so …" Isn't it obvious?

" _If my own parents don't care, why should you._ Isn't it?" Mimi completes as she comes sit beside me. She wraps her arm around my shoulders and looks into my eyes with a warm, reassuring smile, our faces only a couple inches away. "It's exactly because your parents don't care that we do. You're one of us, you belong here." She says then plants a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth.

She leaves me blushing and with a burning sensation radiating through my chest. Here, I wouldn't be by myself anymore. If I stay here with them, then I'll stop being a shut-in and from there … maybe I can get back on my feet. I search for Yamato. He's standing further back, looking at me with a half smile, his eyes betraying his shame.

"Thank you for bringing me here." I say, surprisingly clearly.

"Yeah." Yamato simply responds, but his smile deepens a little.

* * *

"I wanna dance a slow!" Mimi drunkenly hops to the mp3 player on the table and a minute later the small speakers connected to it start hissing a slow melody.

Yamato and Jou share a glance and Jou approaches Mimi, but the girl in pink apparently has a different idea. My arms squeeze my legs as I watch her approach me with dangerously sparkling eyes.

"Sowy guuys! You two dance together!" She grabs my arms and forces me up from the couch.

Jou mumbles something while adjusting his glasses and turns his back to the _dance floor_ , but Yamato jumps on him from behind and starts swinging them from side to side until they nearly tip over. He whispers something in Jou's ear and both of them laugh.

After three long minutes the song ends and Mimi finally sets me free, but only after a beer infused peck on the cheek. My face burning, I sneak outside and walk along the wall. Around the corner should be a good spot to take a—

"another problem … if I provoke it then … but there's no time … yeah, it's still growing …"

The junkie's mumbling continues as I slowly back away from the corner. He's probably talking on the phone but still, the unsettling feeling in my chest convinces me to leave the guy alone. Can they even afford a cell phone? That guy might be taking more than weed. I walk back inside, I can wait until Yamato has to go.


	5. Taichi, homeless

Thursday, December 8th.

* * *

I wake up squeezed between the hut's wall and a snoring blond. Yamato was supposed to sleep on the couch, but he came crashing on the bed in the middle of the night, slurring something about noises keeping him awake. The cramped place now reeks of alcohol breath, but he is generating enough heat to keep us both warm.

Last night my _welcoming party_ quickly turned into a drunk fest, but at least they're all happy drunks, even Yamato surprisingly enough, and not the broody type like Dad. It was fun watching them dance and mess with each other. They seem close, which is normal I guess since they're all living together, kind of like a family. I don't really fit in, last night I ended up spending most of the time curled up on the couch, silent. Pathetic.

I shift carefully on the mattress, slipping on my back to free my numb arm, but I accidentally hit Yamato who mumbles and rolls to face me. For a moment it seems like he won't wake up, but then his eyelids slowly raise and blink a couple times.

"What am I doing here?" He asks.

"You said something about noises." I explain.

Yamato frowns and mindlessly stares at me for a while, like he's working hard to retrieve his drunken memories.

"Oh yeah, they were really loud." He finally says. I give him a puzzled look. "Err … it's nothing, forget it kid."

"I'm not a kid." I say, scratching my itchy scalp.

Yamato doesn't respond, he just smirks a little. His eyes follow my scratching hand running through my hair for a moment, then his gaze narrows and he growls. "What's up with all the hair?"

I try to flatten out the mess that is my hair, but as usual it's useless. Yamato picks up a strand, pulls it down and watches it fly back up.

"It's too long, I'll cut them." He says.

"No!" I yell, covering my head. "It's the only thing that I like ab—" I shut my mouth too late. Urg, I can't believe I just said that. Yamato studies me, a mixture of disbelief and compassion in his eyes.

"They didn't make fun of your hair at school?" He asks.

My neck stiffens instantly. Why is he bringing up school? I'm certain I never mentioned school. I look away, I don't feel like talking about these years, I don't want to bring back the memories. But he's right, everyone called me mop-head and stuff like that. Yamato sighs and pats my hairy head.

"Okay... It's too cold to wash it here so we'll go to the public bath." He says. I'm glad he decided to drop the school thing, but not to hear that.

"You mean wash myself in front of other men? I'll take the cold." I say.

"Don't be stupid, do you want to get sick again?" He says, clearly losing patience. "It's either the public bath or the itchy hair and bad smell, you choose." I open my mouth right away. "We're going to the bath!" He cuts me.

Yelling wasn't a good idea apparently, Yamato immediately sits up and takes his head in his hands while letting out a groan. He grabs a box of pills on the crates and pours some directly into his mouth, then turns and offers me the box. I shake my head, I didn't drink nearly enough yesterday to even get a little tipsy.

Yamato lets his body fall back on the mattress. I watch his profile, he seems lost in his mind, his pensive gaze directed forward somewhere beyond the blue tarp. Maybe he's thinking about his old life, his friends and family. I wonder what happened for him to end up living like this.

"We'll build you a tent. It might take a while before we find all the material though." He says.

"hm." I mumble and he gives me a puzzled glance.

"What is it? I thought you'd love to have your own room to lock yourself into again." He says.

"I don't want to be like that anymore …" I didn't finally leave my room to end up hiding in a hut instead. "… But I'm afraid that's what I'll do."

"Then what? Don't tell me you want to sleep in my tent." He says.

I look away. "It would be warmer." I hear him grunt and knots form in my stomach. I made a mistake. "Sorry, I'll have my own tent." I whisper.

"Why do you..." He begins, but stops and runs a hand through his hair. "Okay, we'll make my tent larger to fit another bed. You're right, it'll be warmer for you."

Is he really okay with it? I can't really tell with his restrained voice. Yamato looks my way and relieves me with a light, but warm smile.

"Thanks. Oh!" I get up and search the pockets of my coat hanging on the wall.

I find it and turn back with a grin, letting the necklace dangle from my hand over the blond's face.

"What's this?" He asks, grabbing it.

"A present. I picked this one because the wolf looks like you." I proudly say and receive a glare in return.

"You stole it?" He asks.

"No! Actually … you paid for it with the change from the beers." I say.

"Oh. Sorry." He takes a closer look at the wolf pendant. "You're saying that I look like that?" Now he's giving me a stern look.

"Look a its curved tail. See? He seems ferocious but really it's a nice wolf." I explain.

Yamato's eyes widens a little and the pale skin of his cheeks turns to a slight pinkish color. He doesn't say anything. I've messed up again, didn't I? Suddenly he sits up and wraps his arms around me.

"Tsk. Why do you …" He says again, hugging me harder. I have no idea what he's trying to say.

Yamato breaks off and we spend an awkward moment in silence while he puts on the necklace. Then he slips off the bed and checks outside.

"She's finally out." He turns to me with a smirk. "Want to go meet Sora? Don't worry, she's really nice." I nod, but then he bits his lip. "It's just that … I did something and she might still be mad at me … But I'm sure she'll like you so you're going to be fine." He says and I suddenly get the urge to take back the nod I just gave him.

I feel Yamato's eyes on me as I slowly put on my toque and coat while taking deep breaths. He holds the sheet and lets me get out first, giving me a couple pats on the back as I pass in front of him. I wait for the blond to get ahead, then walk closely as we head toward the center. Sora is alone at the food table, busy spreading jam on a couple toasts. Unlike the others she doesn't give off any, how to say, homeless vibe or something. She actually looks good with her hair and clothes clean and well kept. She's even wearing a leather jacket seemingly new and expensive. I wouldn't have guessed that she's living here. She brings up a toast to her mouth and watches us walk to her, then she looks me up and down before giving Yamato a smug smile.

"You like them young now Yama?" She teases him.

"Shut up Sora." He snarls back.

"I-I'm a boy." I say, she probably got confused because of the pink clothes.

Apparently I said something weird because both of them stare at me, incredulous. Then they burst out laughing. Great, I made a fool of myself again.

"Oh my god he's adorable. Here, have a toast _boy_." She hands me her other toast. "What's up with the pink clothes? Is it Mimi?" She asks Yamato. I take a bite. The bread is stale, but I guess I can't complain.

"Don't make fun of him. It's fine that he likes wearing pink and it suits him." He says, dead serious.

Wait, what?

"Okay. Anyway, are you coming to pick me up tonight or are you still too busy with your new puppy to even care?" She says.

My mouth is still full. I just missed the opportunity to correct the misunderstanding, didn't I?

"He was sick! And I already apologized for that! I'll be there tonight, I promise." He says, clearly trying and failing to contain his anger.

"Yeah, don't forget that you're the one who insisted I don't walk back from work alone. You owe me the cab's fare by the way." She says, pointing menacingly with her slice of bread before taking a bite.

"I know." He harshly grabs the bag of bread and tosses the last couple slices on the grill.

So Sora has a job, the fact that she lives here makes less and less sense. She seems to remember that I exist and looks at me with a nicer smile this time.

"Sorry I missed your welcoming party Taichi, I wasn't in the mood. I heard _everything_ from Mimi though. My advice by the way, don't tell her any secret, she's the gossip queen." She says.

Oh. Well, at least it saved me from suffering through a bunch of questions from Sora. I'll keep that in mind though. I go sit on the couch and finish eating while watching the two who moved on to discuss some technical homeless stuff. They seem closer, or rather, Yamato is different with her than he is with the others. The way all his attention is focused on her, it's obvious he looks up to her. Just as I'm shoving the last bite in my mouth, Yamato comes over and presents me one of his freshly toasted slices of bread. It's nice of him but, another one? I'm going to burst. I politely decline, but apparently he wasn't asking because he shoves the toast in my hand, giving me a look that dares me to refuse again.

Yamato quickly eats his toasts, then starts walking back to the hut. I get up and catch up with him, but he stops short and turns around.

"Seriously kid? I'm just going to switch clothes, I promise I'll be gone five minutes, tops." He says, trying to contain his smile. "Stay!" He orders, slowly backing from me with his hand in front of him.

I pout and he gives me an apologetic smile before walking away. Chuckles are coming from the girl behind me. Oh I get it, so he's that kind of guy, huh? I plop back on the couch, it's not like I know what to do around here yet. Sora stays close, I hear her rummaging about. The slice of bread is already cold, what should I do with it? What do they do with the garbage? Oh. I get up and toss the toast in one of the fire barrels. It took me way too long to figure this out.

"Hey Taichi." I jump and turn around, Sora is approaching with a huge plastic bottle. "I'm going to get water, wanna come with me?" I glance toward the hut. "Don't worry, he'll figure that you're with me." She says.

I nod, looking down. I pull my mitts out of my pockets. One of the mitts falls on the floor and I lean to pick it back.

"Say … Are you afraid to be alone with me?" She asks.

My hand twitches as I grab the mitt. I shake my head and get up, avoiding to make eye contact. It's not that I'm afraid, the rational part of my brain knows perfectly well that Sora is not a bad person.

I follow her to the back of the building where she grabs another bottle near a couple showers curtains surrounding a stool and a bucket. Oh. So this is the bathroom. We head out through the back exit and she puts the bottles in a shopping cart. She shows me the sewer drain in which they throw all the dirty water and stuff. It's also in there that the boys usually take a leak. We follow a trail between the rundown shells of what used to be buildings and houses.

"Don't ever go inside any of them, most aren't safe anymore, unlike the building we live in." She says. Wait, who the hell declared that ours was safe?

We finally arrive behind an apartment building on the outskirt of the uninhabited portion of the city. Sora pushes the cart to the back wall where there's a faucet, then begins to pour water in the bottles. Is this even legal? It kind of feels like stealing. When the bottles are full, she cuts the water and smiles at me. "It's your turn to push the cart." Now I know why she wanted me to come.

The now heavy cart keeps getting stuck on every cracks or debris along the trail. Sora watches me struggle with a grin. Yamato said she was nice, huh? Back in the building though, she does help me pull the bottles out of the cart. My body is aching, I'm really lacking some essential muscles. Yamato watches me struggle to push the bottle under the kitchen table with a smirk. I know, I know. I should start working on that if I want to be useful around here.

"Ready to go to the bath?" Yamato asks and I sigh. I was hoping he'd forget about it. "We also need to do some grocery and I want to stop by the market to play for a couple hours." I nod. At least he's not planning on leaving me here all day.

He grabs his bag and guitar, then we leave. We mostly walk in silence, except for Yamato ordering me to be faster every minute or so. I must be unconsciously slowing down. I catch him glancing at me with concern a couple times, looking as if he wants to say something. We finally arrive in front of an ancient house lost at the end of a narrow street. Good, it's a rather small and ugly bath so it shouldn't be busy. We step inside and I freeze.

"It's the cheapest public bath around." Yamato explains as I stare in shock at the fully stocked shoe shelf in the entrance.

I drag my feet behind Yamato to the counter where an old lady takes his money and gives back two tiny towels. Then we g through a curtain that leads to the changing room. Yamato spots two empty baskets on the right, walks over and proceeds to strip. I look around, a bunch of men are either removing or putting on their clothes. One of them has a tattoo of a dragon on his back. The creature is hugging the man's waist with its wings and seems to be holding by having its claws firmly planted in the shoulder blades. The dragon's head is resting on the man's neck while its tail goes all the way down to the back of his knee, passing over his left butt cheek.

"Hey."

I turn around and face a naked Yamato casually holding the white towel in front of his family jewels. I glance at his muscular torso and look away immediately. Damn he's fit. That's what my body would have been looking like if only I'd—

"Taichi, were you abused?" Yamato asks with a soft voice. It takes me a second to get what he means by that, then blood start rushing to my face.

"N-No!" So that's what Yamato's been wondering on our way here. "That's not why I … I just don't like how my body looks, that's all." I reluctantly admit. The blond sighs.

"You're still young, your body will change." … I don't know about that. "Say, you weren't eating a lot at home, were you?" He asks, but his eyes clearly say _don't even try to deny it_.

I look away. Urg, this is so embarrassing. "It's not that I … I couldn't always leave my room so it's true that sometimes I'd spend a day or two without … But I wasn't exercising so it wasn't that bad and it even helped keep— ah, hum … I-I might have been a little concerned about my … It's not like I ever starved myself though, I really don't have a big appetite." I finally stop mumbling and wonder if what I just said was even coherent.

Yamato did understand, because he responds with a growl. I don't even dare a glance at him, I can feel the daggers piercing through me. I don't know what he's thinking, but it really wasn't _that_ bad … He sighs, which seems to be his way to calm down. "Okay, but you really need to start eating more proteins if you want your body to develop … Anyway."

Suddenly Yamato grabs my coat's zipper, slides it down and rips the coat from me. I shriek and step away, causing the pair of blue eyes to narrow.

"Come on, you need to wash yourself!"

I spin around to run out of here, but he grabs my sweater's hood before I could take a step and pulls me back to him, making me lose my balance and fall against him. He then wraps his arms around me and manages to remove my sweater while I struggle.

"Ah! Get away from me you're naked!" I yell, crouching in a last-ditch attempt to get away from his grip, but he follows me down on the floor.

"For crying out loud, you're going in the bath even if I have to drag you there!" He yells back, countering every moves I make to free my arms.

I finally manage to free myself and start crawling forward, but then my foot accidentally hits the blond's certain body part. Yamato lets out a guttural grunt, releases me and rolls away on the floor.

"I'm so sorry!" Oh God, now I've done it. I'm frozen stiff, a hand stretched toward the groaning guy's back, wondering if I should help him of make a run for it before he could retaliate.

Yamato's shoulders start shaking, then he bursts out laughing. Relieved, I quickly imitate him and fall on my back, laughing. Seriously, what was that? I acted like a total brat! I should be embarrassed, but oddly enough I don't care that much, it's been so long since I last had a good lau— A taping foot startles us and we look up, the old lady is staring down on us, leaned over with her fists resting on her hips.

In the end she doesn't throw us out, instead we follow her to the house next door where she lives. She decided to let us use her own bathroom after Yamato told her about my fear of being naked around strangers, cleverly hinting at some darker reasons behind it. Well, there's that, but also … Damn that guy knows how to use his charm with women.

"You want to go in alone?" Yamato asks after the lady left.

I shake my head, I made us waste enough time already. I let Yamato go in first, then take a long breath and strip. I feel so self conscious right now, but at least Yamato is carefully avoiding to look in my direction as we wash ourselves, sitting on stools side by side.

"Want me to wash your back?" He asks while I'm shampooing my hair and I freeze.

"Sure." I say after a moment, looking down at my feet.

I hear him push his stool, then his towel gently rub my shoulders and neck before he slowly makes his way down my back. It feels so nice, it reminds me of when I was a little kid, when little acts of affection like that were common and taken for granted. By the time he's done, tears are dripping down. He must know that I'm crying because I keep sniffing, but he doesn't say anything and I hear him get up and enter the bath.

I finish washing all my hair and rinse under the faucet. When I'm done I'm surprised to see that Yamato already left the bathroom. The sound of a hair-dryer is coming from the other room. I get up and slip into the hot water, moaning in pleasure at the warmth. I only rarely had the occasion to enjoy a bath in the last few years. I could stay in there for hours, but Yamato is waiting for me. I step out and dry myself.

Back in my clothes, I peek out and watch Yamato deep into his thoughts again, crouched against the wall with his arms resting on his knees. He's staring at his hands, slowly clenching them over and over. Suddenly he sighs and gets back up. He looks up and notices me.

"Ready?" He asks and I nod. "You know, for a kid so scrawny, you did put up a fight back there." He says and I grin, I'll take it as a compliment.

We leave the house. Yamato stops to thank the old lady one more time, then we head for the market place. He mentioned doing grocery too, is he really buying food at the grocery store? A block from destination, we turn into an alley and I watch curiously as he removes his guitar, then in horror as he pulls up the cover of a bin and jumps in. It's past noon, he's going to make me eat garbage, isn't he? He comes out of the bin with a plastic bag that he tosses at me. Inside are a couple onigiris and sandwiches still in their packaging. Looks like these have been thrown because their expiry date was nearing. Still, just knowing that he picked them up from a dirty bin … I glance at Yamato grabbing his guitar case. He'll be mad for sure if I don't eat.

I follow Yamato to the market place. He shows me a bench, then fishes out a sandwich from the bag and walks away to the same spot I saw him sing the other day. I sit on the cold bench and stare at the content of the bag, then sniff inside. At least it doesn't smell like garbage. I pull out a onigiri. It's frozen, I finally found a reason to like cold weather. I slip both rice balls inside my coat and check the yakisoba sandwich. Seems fine I guess. I keep it on my laps with my hands over to warm it up a little.

Most people walking on the street seem too much in a hurry to notice the blond guy singing, but here and there someone tosses a coin or two in his guitar case. Yamato is mostly singing songs I never heard. He seems absorbed in his music, completely unaware of the people talking or walking close by, not even the guy with a white cap under his hood who tosses quite a bit of change.

Four guys our age are watching Yamato from a distance as they talk and laugh with each other. Urg, they remind me of high school bullies. I unwrap and dare take a tiny bite of the sandwich while keeping an eye on them. I guess I just passed a new milestone to becoming a true homeless. I approach the sandwich to take another bite, but then the guys start moving in my direction along the street. All of a sudden it's like I'm back in high school, my body gets tense and I fight the urge to throw up. I keep my head down as they approach.

"But seriously guys, you all owe me a beer for that."

"Yeah, I'll pay you one. Pfft, ah ah! I still can't believe it, he looks so pathetic!"

"Right? And he was so full of himself in high school, he kept bragging about how he was going to make it big."

"Well, he did have the talent for it back then … He still kind of does."

"Come on, look at him. He's a fucking hobo! Talent or not his life is over for him, he's just trash now."

My chest starts to ache. I feel bad for Yamato, but the guys' degrading words also bring me back to the harsh reality. We do have fallen at the bottom of the pit of worthlessness.

I instinctively glance up as they pass in front of me. Unfortunately, one of the guys happens to be looking in my direction at that moment and our eyes meet. He stops and, with a growing sneer, calls his friends over. I'm frozen on the bench, unable to move or even breathe. The four guys get closer, creating an oppressive wall in front of me.

"Hi kid, it's a nice coat you have here."

"Nice, and you even got yourself matching mitts and hat to go with it!"

"Hey, are you alone? How come you're not in school?"

"You don't talk much, are you shy? I bet you don't have any friend."

"Who'd be friend with a boy wear— Ouch!"

"How about we be your friends then? Come with us, it'll be fun I promise."

One of the guys approaches me with his hand raised. A jolt runs through my body.

"Sorry I'm late!" Someone says at that moment, leaning beside me from behind the bench.

The effect is immediate, the guys all walk away from me. I glance at my savior, it's the guy with a white cap under his hood from earlier. I see his smile, but the cap hides the rest of his face. Still, I can tell he isn't older than me. I try to extricate the words thank you from my throat, but it's useless so I just twist my lips into something that I hope resemble a smile.

"No problem." The guy says. "Say, are you friend with the guy singing over there?" He asks.

I look at Yamato who's finally performing a popular song which helps gather a bit more attention. I don't know what to respond to the guy. I can't say that I'm his friend, we barely know each other and, well, I've been more of a burden to him than anything. How do people even become friends again?

"He's helping me." I manage to mumble with a shaky voice.

"I see. Well, take care then." The guy pushes himself up from the back of the bench and walks away.

Maybe he's a fan of Yamato or something, it would explain the money he gave him earlier. Whoever he is, thank god he was here. I don't know if the guys were really planning to drag me away with them, but if they were, I'm not sure I would have been able to defend myself or even ask for help. In high school I usually just endured until it was over. It's so funny how I grew up to become such a wimp. If my eleven years old self who still had everything going for him saw me now, he'd probably look down and curse me for wasting all his efforts.

I put the sandwich I barely touched and the onigiris back in the bag.

The sun is setting when Yamato finally packs his guitar and joins me on the bench. He doesn't seem to like the look on my face, he frowns as soon as our eyes meet.

"Tsk. What happened?" He asks as he grabs the plastic bag and sits beside me. He opens the bag and clicks his tongue.

"Sorry. I wasn't hungry." I say, playing with a loose string on one of Hikari's mitts.

"What happened?" He asks again, but more softly this time.

"There were these guys, they knew you from high school."

"Did they do something to you?" Yamato asks right away, crushing the plastic bag.

"Not really, someone stepped up and made them leave. They were just mean."

"Hm... If they knew me from high school, then I suppose they had a lot of fun seeing me sing like this, didn't they?" He says, surprisingly lightly. I nod. "What did they say to you?" He asks more seriously.

"Me, not much. They just pointed out my clothes which is normal." I glance at him, biting my lip. "Do you … regret ending up like this?"

"No." He answers right away. "I had to get away from the people I care about." He sighs, bows and take the back of his head in his hands, elbows planted on his legs. "You probably figured by now, but I have anger issues. I've been working on it though. I'm not as bad as I was two years ago when …" Yamato's voice trails away.

"That's when you started to live like this?" I try.

"Yeah. Back then I had gotten to the point where I would regularly break stuff or punch holes into the walls. I was a beast. I ruined everything in my life. Then one day, I … did something horrible, irredeemable." Yamato leans back on the bench. "I left that day and haven't seen anyone since then. They probably don't want to see me again anyway." He glances at me. "Don't worry, I'm not the same as I was back then. Distancing myself helped me come to terms with some of my inner demons. I'm better than I was two years ago." He says, liberating a weight inside me I hadn't realized I was carrying.

"I'm glad. They were talking as if being like this was the end."

"So this is what was troubling you. Don't listen to these people, they can't understand because they didn't go through what you have. It's okay to take a different path, even if it means hitting bottom before swimming back up. We're all doing this."

"Sora seems to be swimming just fine though." I say. Yamato laughs.

"Yeah, I think she's still staying with us only because it's cheap. I swear that girl must be loaded by now, but she keeps pestering me to pay for everything, even her cabs." He says. This seems unfair, but I don't feel any frustration in his voice.

"She's around the same age as you, isn't she? Where does she work?" I ask.

"She's twenty one like me and, well, she works..." He looks at me sideways and smirks. "Actually, do you want to go pick her with me tonight?" He asks and I nod right away. "Okay, but only if you eat." He says and throws the plastic bag on my lap.

I eat the onigiris while Yamato finishes the sandwich. It's almost dark out by the time we're done eating and leave the place.

We walk for a while until we end up in front of a run-down house in a poor looking neighborhood.

"You stick right next to me no matter what, you hear me?" Yamato orders me fiercely, then pulls me to the front door.

I understand why once we're inside. This place is full of junkies, not the kind like Koushiro. I grab Yamato's jacket and we traverse the living room where people lie everywhere, either drugged or in the process of being so. Yamato asks around for a guy and is finally shown the stairs by a girl who seems to be holding on her feet only because she's leaning on the wall. She looks at me and a dreamy smile grows on her painful looking chapped lips, as if just seeing me makes her happy. She reminds me of Mimi, but it's like I'm looking at a version of her gone horribly wrong.

We find a guy upstairs coming out of a room while tying his belt. The dirty, wound covered guy recognize the blond right away and brings us to another room where he opens a safe and pulls out some dried herbs and pills that he trades against Yamato's money. As soon as the deal is done, Yamato ignores the guy's attempts to start a conversation and rushes us out of there.

"Sorry. I forgot that I had to come here tonight." He says once we've reached a more decent area.

I'm still following behind while holding onto his jacket, he grabs my wrist and pulls me besides him.

"Is it for Koushiro?" I ask.

"Yeah." He sighs. "Him and I made a deal a while ago. I buy it and in exchange he follows my word on what and how much he takes. He also does most of the house keeping."

"Do you..." I feel his hand holding my wrist twitch.

"I stick to alcohol." He simply responds.

We continue walking in silence until we reach a grocery store. I realize it now, being homeless involves an awful lot of walking. Yamato makes sure no one is around, then we sneak behind the building and toward a locked wooden fence. On the back side of the fence he slides a loose plank, revealing a way in. Once we're done invading the trash's fortress, he drops his bag and guitar and climbs in one of the two giant bins with several grocery bags. So this is the _grocery shopping_. He doesn't ask for my help and I don't propose either, the smell coming from in there is already making me want to throw up. I try not to imagine how worse it gets during summer.

From time to time Yamato's head pops back out and he hands me a bag full of all sort of stuff, both perishable and not. I cringe at the eggs, yogurt, cheese and loose fruits and vegetables in there. Wait, that means yesterday's stew and the bread this morning … Urg.

Yamato peeks out to carefully smell and inspect a couple packages of meat. Oh God, he mentioned making me eat more proteins. Seriously, if he thinks I'll eat that … But he changes his mind and tosses the packages back in the bin before jumping out. We leave the place with six heavy bags, he carries four on top of his guitar and I struggle to keep up with two.

"I'll start working out." I say on our third stop to let me rest.

"Good. You like playing soccer, right? Sora and Koushiro were in a soccer club together when they were kids. We could ask them if they want to play." Yamato proposes.

I keep my eyes on a daikon pocking out of one of my bags which has clearly seen better days. How … Just how the heck does he know about soccer? I barely talked since yesterday, yet he's nailing it again, hitting me where it hurts the most.

"Taichi?"

"We should get going." I say as I grab my bags.

Back home, I guess I can consider this place home for now, Yamato orders Mimi and Jou to unpack and wash the food, then walks away with Koushiro.

"Can I help?" I reluctantly ask as Mimi and Jou empty the bags on the table.

Mimi smiles, her lips are smooth and slightly glossy. I prefer Mimi's smile but, the other girl's, hers was just as warm. I don't know why, but for some reason thinking about it really stings my heart.

"You don't have to Sweetie. You helped enough carrying the bags here, now it's our turn to work." She says. Sweetie? Seriously?

I don't insist and instead go in the tent. In there I grab Yamato's Cd player and lie down on the mattress. I press play and listen to whatever Cd's already in it. I'm sure I don't know the band, but their music sounds somewhat familiar. I close my eyes and immerse myself into the songs.

A hand shaking my shoulder wakes me up. Yamato is sitting beside me, leaning over with his arm on the other side of my waist. His other hand let go of my shoulder and removes the headphone still on my ears.

"You can stay here if you're too tired." He proposes, but I shake my head. He takes the Cd player and checks inside. "How did you find the songs?" He asks, looking at me somewhat expectantly.

"Really good, but I don't know them." I say and he laughs.

"Of course you don't, it was my band, Teenage Wolves." He says. Oh. How did I miss that, I just heard him sing for hours! He grabs another album. "Do you know this band?" He shows me The New Wolfgang's album and I nod. "The others formed it after we split up." He says with a tainted smile. Now that he mentions it, there's an obvious resemblance between that band's music and what I've been listening to. I feel for him, he must regret not being a part of their success.

"Maybe that's why we get along so well." I think out loud and Yamato gives me an amused look. Why did I say that?! "Hum, I mean … we're kind of alike. We both missed out on doing what we love." I say, looking away from the sharp blue eyes.

"But I still play music everyday." He says. I immediately bit my lip, all kind of emotions are coming up, menacing to overflow. "I don't think that's why we get along so well though." He adds, the corner of his lips curving up.

I can't help but chuckle, but doing so frees the buried emotions. He pats my head while I let it all out.

"It's about soccer, isn't it?" He says after I've calmed down. I nod. "We'll discuss this more another day, after you've settled down here, okay?" I nod. "For now … Mimi is waiting for you. She's been looking through clothes all day and wants you to try on what she has chosen for you." He says, then smirks. "I have to say, she outdid herself this time. If the clothes fit she wants to burn your old ones right away because, and I agree, those don't suit you at all."

"What's wrong with my clothes?"

"Too big, boring and ugly." He resumes as he leaves the tent.

Urg, I should have known this was going to happen, but why … That Mimi wants me to look like a kid and not even a teen is one thing, but why does all the t-shirts and hoodies have pink on them?! Again, I wonder if she's making fun of me but after trying on a couple pieces it becomes obvious she carefully chose good clothes that fit me perfectly, just like the coat yesterday. She must have a sharp eye for that kind of stuff.

"So, do you like them?" She asks as I come out of the tent wearing a pair of rolled up jeans and a unzipped gray hoodie over a light pink t-shirt.

Dammit, Mimi is staring at me with glittering eyes rivaling with her lip gloss. She genuinely expects me to like the clothes, doesn't she? I feel bad about crushing her excitement after she worked so hard all day. Urg, all this mess just because I borrowed Hikari's toque and mitts. I glance at Yamato who traded his garbage smelling clothes for a classy looking black shirt and tight jeans. He also did his hair and I notice the wolf pendant I gave him this morning hanging around his neck. Did he dress up just to go pick up Sora?

"They're fine, but … wouldn't it be better if I wear clothes like those instead?" I try, pointing at Yamato.

"Don't compare yourself to Yamato, he's older than you and a totally different person. Plus it's not the clothes, he looks handsome no matter what he's wearing." She winks at the blond. "Don't worry, it's perfectly okay for you to wear the clothes that you want to wear. Don't ever let society dictate what you should or shouldn't do or wear."

Oh God, I've just helped deepen the misunderstanding, didn't I? "But … isn't it too much? I mean, there's a cat on the t-shirt," I put on the hood, "and ears on the hood."

"Oh my god you're too adorable!" Mimi squeaks.

"You're our little stray kitty." Koushiro adds with exaggerated fondness, but still manages to make me blush furiously.

"But I'm not a kid anymore …" I'm starting to feel like a broken record.

"Don't think you have to be eager to grow up." Jou says from behind me, placing his hands on my shoulders. "It's okay to be the way you are. Enjoy your carefree years while you still can."

The way I am? What does he mean by that? It's true that I'm awkward when it comes to socializing and I realize that I've been giving the impression that I'm unable to take care of myself, but … What would Jou say if he knew I'm going to turn twenty two in a couple months?

"I can't really be carefree, not anymore." I mumble.

"Of course you can. You don't need to worry about a thing, we'll take care of you." Jou says.

I wish I could just forget my real age, it keeps reminding me that I'm worthless. I really am, I even need people my own age to take care of me. No, it's worse than that, because I actually _want_ them to. What's wrong with me?

"Why would you guys—" I begin.

"Tsk. We don't need a reason to help out a kid." Yamato cuts short. "Go grab your coat, we're leaving."

I obey and a minute later we're once again walking outside.

"What did Jou mean by _the way I am_? Am I really that immature?" I have to ask, it just won't get out of my head and it's driving me crazy.

"You're not immature…" The long pause kind of tells otherwise. "Not in a bad way. I'd say you're more innocent." He finally admits. How is that any better? "What Jou meant to tell you is that you're not missing out on anything by taking your time to grow up. Believe me, you miss out more the other way around. Here you don't have anything to prove to anyone, so just be yourself."

Just be myself … Then, can I erase the fact that I'm an adult from my mind and just start being a teen again? As long as I don't see my family again no one would know.

We reach the downtown area and trade the crowded streets for the back alleys. The few people we come across there aren't the typical party goers anymore but much shadier looking people. Yamato stops in front of a metallic door and knocks, playing some sort of jingle I don't recognize. From behind the building I can't tell what kind of place this is at all. Yamato looks at me out of the corner of his eye and smirks.

"Sora is going to kill me for this." He says just as the door opens and a brown haired girl appears.

"Gosh it's freezing, hurry!" The girl says while letting us in a room full of alcohol. Looks like it's the back of a bar. She closes the door, then seems baffled as soon as she sees me. "You brought a kid with you Yama?" She asks, putting a hand on her nude hip.

I only notice it now. She's wearing a waitress costume coming straight from a sex shop. The top is practically a bra and the skirt nonexistent. I hurry to look away, all of a sudden I'm not cold anymore. So this is that kind of place. That means Sora must also be…

"Is the boss here?" Yamato asks, ignoring her question, and his face illuminates when she shakes her head. "Great, I'll take the usual then." He says, then grabs her waist and kisses her. "Thanks Jun." He adds after releasing her.

He grabs my wrist and stops to pick two beers in a fridge, then drags me to a door. Yamato is acting differently now that we're here, there's some sort of restlessness in the way he moves and talks … I'm probably just imagining it. We enter the strip club.

The club's few clients left are all sitting close to the stage where women are performing incredible stunts with poles … almost in their birth suits. We remove our coats and sit at a table in the completely deserted back of the room. He slides one of the beer in front of me and turns his attention to the stage. What, is he expecting me to enjoy the show? I glance over and spot Sora crouching indecently in front of a client who puts his money in her— I look away as Jun comes over with a plate full of shots. She places the plate on the table just in time, Yamato grabs her waist and pulls her to his lap, then they start kissing again. I sip my beer, how long do we have to wait?

"Want a shot?" I look at Jun who is handing me a tiny glass, but Yamato takes it right away.

"He's too young for that." He says before drinking the shot.

Oh, so apparently beer and strippers are okay for a sixteen years old, but he draws the line at hard liquor. What kind of twisted logic is that? Yamato and Jun continue to take shots, Jun pouring them in her mouth before kissing Yamato. Between those make out sessions she asks me questions, like my name and my age.

"My brother is a year older but maybe you know him, his name is Motomiya Daisuke." She says. I shake my head, which is a bit of a lie because I heard that name countless times from Hikari. Every day during dinner she has a story to share about him or her other best friend, Takeru. What I understood from the stories is that those two would be up to no good if Sis wasn't keeping them in check.

"I need to go take a leak." Yamato suddenly says, raising his face from Jun's breast. He's obviously already drunk. Jun sighs and gets up.

"I have to get back to work anyway. I'll see you two later … if Sora hasn't killed you that is." Jun winks at me and walks away.

"Is she your girlfriend?" I ask the blond getting up. He laughs.

"Jun? No. I do have some history with her, but now we're just friends." Yamato explains, slurring quite a bit. "She used to be one of my groupies back in the days. I really need to go, be right back."

I watch as Yamato staggers away, then look at the table. There's still several shots left. If Yamato drinks them all, there's no way he'll be able to walk back home. Finding no better idea, I pour the shots one by one into my beer until the blond comes back, giggling by himself. He approaches me and, without a word, grabs my face and kisses my forehead. His hands slide down on my back, then he pulls up my hood and wiggles the cat ears. He's giggling again as he sits back, but his smile drops when he raises his hand to pick a shot. He turns to me with a dirty look. I gave myself away by emptying them all, didn't I?

«Please … tell me you didn't drink them.» He says with contained anger. I shake my head. Dammit, I completely spoiled his mood.

«Sorry …» I mumble, running my nail in a crack on the table.

I jump when he stands up, but he just walks away and disappears into the room we came in from. That was a stupid idea, of course he can just go help himself. I start peeling off the label on my beer. I can't shake off the uneasiness. Even if he's nothing like my father was, there's still that unpredict—

I gasp and jerk away from the cold thing on my neck. Yamato laughs and gives me a can of soda. He has one too that he cracks open as he gets back to his seat. We exchange a knowing look and I give him a grateful smile, the uneasiness dissolving.

"Isn't this stealing though?" I ask.

"The asshole who owns this place owes me money so …" He cheers and takes a long sip. "This place is just running to launder money anyway."

We spend the next hour chatting. It's mostly him telling me stories about the others, like that time Mimi's horrified screams woke everyone in the middle of the night. They all rushed to her thinking she was being attacked when in fact she was just buried under her collapsed te—

"You've got to be kidding me." A feminine voice interrupts our conversation. Sora is standing in front of the table, dressed up and ready to leave. Her gaze travels from me to the pyramid of empty shot glasses on the table. "For Christ's sake Yamato!"

She grabs my coat and my arm and pulls me from my chair. We rush to the back exit while behind us chairs are rattling over Yamato's swears. She gives me my coat that I put on as she opens the door to the alley, then we leave.

"Sora, it's not what you th—" Yamato begins from behind us.

"Shut up Yamato! I thought you were more responsible than that, I can't believe you brought him here and made him drink shots!"

"I didn't." I try but Sora is too furious to hear me.

"Since you've just proved that you're incapable of taking care of him I'll do it!" She says as she pulls me forward and starts walking faster.

"SHUT UP! HE DIDN'T DRINK!" Yamato yells, his voice overflowing with emotions I don't quite get. He grabs my arm and pulls me back toward him.

The heck is going on, it's like I'm suddenly in the middle of a fight between my divorcing parents.

"Then it means you drank all those shots yourself, it's even worse!" She yells, glancing back while rolling her eyes.

"I swear I didn't drink them all! Look, I'm not that drunk!" He says, raising his arms. It's true that he's been walking pretty much straight again. Sora stops short and spins around, daggers in her eyes.

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO LET HIM SEE ME LIKE THAT!" She screams, flustered.

She does have a point and Yamato must know it because he doesn't respond.

"I didn't watch." I say, hoping it will help clear the air of some of the tensions. It works, Sora closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

"Thank you Taichi. You're a real gentleman, unlike the asshole besides you." She says. Yamato's hand holding me loosen up a little.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd mind that much. Usually you seem comfortable with what you do so …" Yamato's restrained voice dies out.

Sora sighs again and crosses her arms. She's now looking at the contrite blond with a softer gaze, like she's facing a younger brother who's done messing up again.

"It's true that I have no problem extorting money from old perverts, but I'm not proud of striping myself Yama, it's still humiliating."

"I think you're strong and amazing." Yamato says with a serious frown and Sora's lips give in, curling up fondly.

She approaches Yamato and gives him a kiss. Huh, maybe it's a normal thing for adult friends to kiss like that. When they break off she turns to me and pats my head between the cat ears.

"You're really cute with that by the way." She says with a smile. "Let's go before the kid gets cold."

Yamato slides behind me, wraps his arms around my shoulders and rests his chin on the top of my head.

"Are we good?" He asks and she nods. "So, can he come with me again? He keeps me in check by the way." Yamato says lightheartedly.

"Is that so? Good job Taichi." She gives Yamato a certain look that I wish I could understand. "I'll be counting on you then." She says then turns around and starts walking.

I'm expecting Yamato to release me, but his grip around me tightens instead. He lowers his head and kisses me on the cheek. He might be walking straight but he's obviously still drunk.

"My father was an alcoholic." The seriousness in my voice causes Yamato to freeze for a moment, but I had to say it.

"… Okay. I understand." He simply says, pulling away from me. He then gives me a couple pats on the back and I respond with a smile, glad to see that he didn't take it badly.

We start following Sora who's up ahead, but neither of us is in a hurry to catch up with her. I drag my feet with difficulty, exhausted since I'm not used to having so much action happening in one day. I'm tired but I do feel good, or at least a bit better compared to before. Still, I can't shake this feeling of uncertainty off completely. Is all this truly alright? I glance at Yamato. Plus isn't it odd for me to be comfortable around this guy? We're still pretty much complete stranger and, to be honest, I don't get at all what he can possibly be seeing in me … other than a substitute to his younger brother.

"What am I to you?" My mouth blurts out on its own. Dammit, stop doing that! I fight the urge to throw myself into one of the bins.

"You have the screws I'm missing." He says, then laughs. "I'm just kidding. It's from an anime I like … I'm not sure why this is what came up though, I haven't seen that movie in years." He looks at me and smiles. "But it kind of fit actually."

I don't know what movie he's referring. Even less what's the meaning behind those screws. I don't understand at all, yet for some obscure reason his answer cheer me up.


	6. Yamato, in the gutter

Friday, December 16th. (One week later.)

* * *

My fingers play the last chord, then I'm applauded by a cold draft. I don't need to look up, I can feel the street's emptiness surrounding me. I slide down my _stage_ and crouch beside my guitar case. There's just a couple scattered coins in there, not even four hundred yen. Fuck, that was a waste of time. Now if even Fridays don't pay anymore … If the weather keeps getting worst on weekends I'll be in deep shit. Tsk. My savings will run out faster than I had planned.

I pack my guitar and grab the bag containing what almost cost me a kidney. How come one stupid ball costs that much? And that freaking vendor wouldn't shut up about shoes. As essentials as the ball my ass! I should have shoved the shoes right up his— One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I exhale and leave the market place.

At the door of the Seven Eleven there's another poster promoting The New Wolfgang's show on Christmas eve. Tsk, they plastered the whole damn city with these. On this one Takashi and the others are posing wearing grunge clothes from the 90's in front of an obviously fake brick wall full of dorky graffiti. Their long haired singer full of himself is pulling a face while holding a plastic cup in front of him. Urg, it's like he's begging for you to come to his show. I don't know what they were thinking, if it was me I swea— I push the door and step inside.

Before I realize it, I'm already at the fridge grabbing a six pack. Fuck. I put back the alcohol, go pick a meat bun and pay with the change I just got. Four hours of work for a meat bun. Shit. Taichi better enjoy it up to the last bite. The man at the counter thanks me as I leave. That's rare, the other guy never does. Thank god he's not here, when Taichi is not with me he has this look, like he's wondering what I've done to the kid.

A couple blocks away from home I spot a guy standing by a wall in the distance. He's just staring at the ground, his body leaned forward with his legs slightly bended, obviously high as hell. Tsk, our area better not be starting to attract junkies. I push the door and walk to the center. Speaking of junkies, Koushiro is alone, busy smoking a joint on the couch.

"It's my last one." He greets me.

"Not my problem. I'm not buying you any until next week, you knew that." I say as I toss the bags and pour some tea in a cup. Wait, don't tell me... "Oh for Christ's sake K, don't tell me you don't have _anything_ left!" The kettle bangs on the grill.

Koushiro slowly gets up and walks to me, then takes a drag before he hands me the joint with a smug smile. "Tough day?" He casually asks. I roll my eyes, like he freaking cares, but I still grab the joint and take a drag. "Say … Can't you go tonight instead?" I look at him straight in the eyes as I take another long drag. Koushiro has his usual uncaring _this is all for fun_ look.

"I'll see." I finally say, letting out the white smoke. I'm not in the mood for an argument tonight.

"Great! What's in the bags?" The redheaded asks, grabbing the joint I'm handing back.

"Meat bun and a soccer ball." I say. Koushiro chuckles.

"You're spoiling little kitty too much Yama. He'll never get used to eating trash if you keep buying him food." He says.

"I know that! But you haven't seen him, he's so scrawny. Where is he by the way?" I ask.

"In your tent of course. Where else could he be? I only saw him get out once to take a leak."

"Did he eat?"

"What do you think?" He simply says.

"Tsk. And Mimi, did she come back?" I ask, even if I know he would have told me already.

Koushiro shakes his head, finishing the joint. Fuck. I hate it. If Mimi would at least let me know where she is. But I guess she's right, there's nothing I could do if things go wrong anyway. She'll reappear in a week or two with some jerk's stolen cash and goods, or she won't and we'll never know why. I take a sip of my tea and watch the redheaded stroll back and slouch on the couch. Yeah, Koushiro is the genius here, he knows better than to get attached to people.

I grab the bags and go hide the ball behind the tent before I enter. Inside Taichi is sleeping on my bed, my headphones on his ears still playing my band's music. Tsk. He keeps falling asleep with the damn thing on, burning through batteries like crazy. But I guess it's my fault for sticking to Cd's. I sit on the bed and pull his stripped light pink and gray hoodie. He's still almost just flesh over bones, he hasn't gained back the weight he lost while he was sick. I pinch the boy's side and he wakes up. His big innocent eyes find me and he removes the headphones with a smile, but I click my tongue and he immediately shrinks back on my pillow.

"You haven't eaten anything." I almost calmly say between my teeth, but the kid still shrinks even deeper in the pillow.

"Oh… I wasn't hungry so I forgot, sorry." He mumbles, looking away.

I sigh. It doesn't make sense, last week he wanted to build up muscle, but since then he's barely eating. Our trip to the bins obviously didn't help, but it can't only be because he's disgusted by the food, there's plenty of cans and sealed food he has no problem eating. He just doesn't eat unless someone is there to force him. Jou thinks it's psychological and that the boy might not even be aware that he's doing this. I slide my hand under his shirt and run my finger over the bumps of his ribs.

"This isn't good, you understand? You need to eat more." I say, staring at the dark round eyes.

Taichi nods, his face blushing. I tuck back his hoodie and pat his belly as I pick up the paper bag. He reaches for the bun, but I pull the bag away.

"Out." I order and raise an eyebrow at his pouting face. "You're the one who said you didn't want to be a shut-in anymore." I remind him.

Taichi mumbles something, but he obeys and crawls out of our cramped tent. Of course it's when you start looking for a discarded mattress that those suddenly disappear from the face of the earth. I just want my whole bed for myself again! I turn off the Cd player and get out.

"Hello Kitty!" Koushiro teases as Taichi sits beside him on the couch.

"Hello Junkie." He greets back sternly, causing the redheaded to burst out laughing.

I toss him the paper bag and go pick my cup of tea. I take a sip, watching the brunette bite into the bun. Damn I wish I had something to spike the drink. The boss better not be at the club tonight.

Slow, dragging foot steps approach and stop beside me, I turn toward Jou who's looking through the stack of boxes on the table. He's still wearing those same disgusting clothes. It's been, what, five days? He's smelling like five days without any hygiene care whatsoever. It's not a coincidence that this bout of depression started right after Mimi left.

"Jou—"

"Your eyes are red." He cuts me. His voice and his eyes are cold. I just want to punch some life back into him.

"I'm tired that's all." I try, but Jou snorts.

"You think I'm dumb? Whatever, you do what you want with your life. Everyone here does." He says, turning back toward his tent with a box of cookies.

"I can get you some pills." I propose. He stops and shakes his head.

"That's your solution for everything." He lets out a short, hollow laugh. "Don't worry, I'm tired that's all." He adds before walking away.

I glance at the couch, Taichi is looking at me with concern while Koushiro giggles. I want to get out of here, go to the club and drink. Tsk, it's still way too early though. God I hate these days that just seem to drag on forever.

"I got you something." I tell Taichi who's chewing the last bite of his bun. "Come with me." He follows until I gesture him to wait, then I go around the tent to fetch the _present_. I come back holding the soccer ball and his expectant look instantly drops along with his shoulders.

"Here" I throw the ball, sending it rolling toward the kid's feet, but Taichi steps aside and let it roll past him. I expected a reaction like that, but … Gah! "Come on, what's the problem? Don't tell me you can't even touch the ball!" The words come out harsher than I intended. Shit, and all week I kept telling myself that I'd be patient with him.

Taichi is standing there, frozen with his eyes glued to the floor and his hands clenched. He stays like that while I walk past him, crouch and pick the ball, but when I turn to face him he steps away from me.

"Tsk. At least tell me what's wrong. You said you loved playing soccer!" He doesn't say anything, he just stands there, breathing heavily. Shit! I drop the ball and join him. "It's alright, just take slow deep breaths and it will pass." I say, guiding Taichi toward the center.

"Want me to go get Jou?" Koushiro asks, freeing the couch for Taichi.

"No, I can handle it. It's not a big one. Okay Taichi, take a breath, one, two, three, four."

It still takes a couple minutes before the panic attack passes. I keep stroking Taichi's hot and sweaty back while he calms down.

"I hate this." He finally says.

"I know, I'm sorry." Dammit, I should have known this would happen. I'm such a jerk.

He leans against me, resting his head with damp hair on my shoulder. He's not angry at me. He should be, I keep messing up ever since he started living here. I wrap my arm around him.

"Sorry." Taichi says. "That brand costs a lot."

… What? "Are you saying that there's cheaper ones? That damn lying vendor!" That's it, I'm going back to the shop to beat the crap out of … One, two, th—

I stop and listen to Taichi's soft laugh instead, it works a hundred times better than that stupid counting. I look up and catch Koushiro's gaze on us, but he turns away almost instantly, before I could make out what his expression was. Right there, but out of reach. Almost six months and none of us was able to even dent the walls around that guy.

"I'm going to pick up Sora." I get up and walk to the exit. Who cares, I'll be early that's all.

"Wait, I'll come with you!" Taichi says, catching up to me.

"No, not tonight. I'm going alone."

Taichi looks at me with wide eyes filled with worry. He's not stupid, of course he knows this means I want to drink. I grab the back of his head and land a kiss on his forehead.

"You better not be hiding in the tent when I come back, okay?" I warn him and he nods. "Oh and please keep an eye on Jou, he's going through a rough patch." Taichi bits his lip and stares down, but he nods.

* * *

I walk fast, but it still feels like an eternity until I finally reach the back door of the strip club. I'm way too early, it shows on Jun's surprised face as she holds the door open to let me in. I go directly for the bottles of hard liquor, put the rum in my bag and keep the whiskey in my hand. Another girl is there, filling her plate while giving me disapproving glances.

"Is everything alright Yama?" Jun asks. Tonight she's wearing the peacock outfit, a sparkling emerald bikini with a long feathered tail, which means she's on the shows. She won't be able to keep me company.

"Sure, just tired. The boss isn't here, right?" I'm looking around for a glass. Fuck, where do they keep them.

Jun opens a cabinet and gives me a glass. "He's not … Yama you seem on edge." She's staring at me with an uneasy look.

I don't answer, I just want a drink now. I push the door and enter the dark, loud room filled with old geezers and men of dubious reputation. I go around the back and spot a table forgotten in a corner close to the restrooms. Perfect. I sit down and start drinking. On the stage Sora is working under the watchful eyes of perverted assholes. She's one of the most popular strippers so she hardly ever do table service or even shows. I pour myself another glass and down it.

Half an hour later my bladder is about to explode. I get up and walk to the toilets, hitting the corner of the table and the door frame on my way. While I'm at the urinal, someone enters and chooses to piss right beside me even though there's no one else in the whole damn place.

"Nice show, huh?" I glance sideways, the man in his forties is wearing a suit. He came here with his colleagues after work.

"Sure." I mumble. Please just leave me alone.

"Yeah, it's not my kind of place either." I zip my jeans and turn back toward the door, just to come face to face with Takashi and the others. "Oh, this is The New Wolfgang, isn't it? Are you going to their show?" I step forward and grab the doorknob. "You're really cute." I stop and wait. Why? I know what's coming next. "Hey, wanna make some cash real quick?" Come on, I should just open the door and get out. "How about five thousand? No offense, but you look like someone who really could use it."

That's more cash than I did singing this whole week … This is it, I've hit that point, haven't I? Takashi is holding his guitar and staring at me. My fist hits the poster, causing a flash of pain running up through my arm. I rip the thing apart and leave. The guy says something to my back, but his voice disappears fast behind the closing door. Back at the table my bottle of whiskey is gone. Tsk, people have no respect. I pull out the rum and drink.

"Hey … Hey!" Sora is yelling at me.

I open my eyes. My head is resting over my arms, there's drool all over. I get up, the room spins like crazy, then my hands hit the floor, then my face.

"Fuck!" Arms grab me around the waist and pull. "Come on Yama, please get up." I push myself up on all four, but I just can't seem to get my body to stabilize, the room is moving too much. I roll back down, hitting a chair or something along the way.

"I'm calling you a cab." … Jun's here.

"Thanks."

"I'll waalk... If fiine." I say, then a bunch of liquid comes out of my mouth.

"Oh God." Sora and Jun grab me by the arms and drag me. The toilet bowl appears just in time. I start puking again.

"He's probably the one who ripped it. He must be sick of seeing them everywhere."

"Jun, you knew him back when he was still with his band, right? Do you know what happened?"

"He didn't tell you?" Oh no, not that.

"Juun stop donrg...blurgh." I feel horrible, all sweaty and shaking.

"Are you kidding? The guy never talks about himself."

"Well, just so you know, Yama only has himself to blame for screwing things up with his band."

I stare at the content of the toilet, it's mostly liquid. That's right, I left without eating. Tsk. Usually I know better than to drink on an empty stomach. I hope Taichi didn't listen to me and went to sleep.

"Feeling better?" Sora asks, leaning over me.

"Noo, I feel like shiit... I should flush myself." I say and chuckle at my own joke.

"That sounds like a joke Jou would make. Did something happen Yama?"

"… No. I'll pay the cab." I say, flushing the toilet.

"That's for sure." She helps me get out of the restroom.

The ride home is horrible. I constantly gag over a bag, but nothing is coming out anymore. Sora tells the driver to pull over a block away from the fence. The cab costs a thousand and we still have to walk. She finds my wallet in my pocket, then gets me out of the car and guides me to a wall. I slide to the ground, my eyes can't even focus on her face.

"I'll go get the guys, you stay here."

"Taishii... he can't... alone."

"Don't worry, I'll stay with him."

I close my eyes, maybe it'll stop the spinning.

* * *

I wake up in the tent, my head throbbing and my throat all dry and disgusting. Just raising my head sends the whole room spinning. Urg. I hope it's still morning, I can't let this Saturday go to waste. I turn over and spot the bucket just in time. Shit, why did I drink so much? The sheet moves and Taichi appears, looking at me with awfully tired eyes.

"How are you feeling?" He asks. I chuckle and he gives me a stern look. For a second he seems older. "Just so you know, all night I had to keep an eye on you to make sure you weren't falling into a coma or drowning in your vomit." Tsk, I probably caused him to recall painful memories.

"Sorry." I mumble as I take the cup of water he's handing me. "What time is it?"

"Past three I think." He answers and I let out a swear. "You can't go out like this Yama-to." I almost smile at his shy face. Still can't call me that, huh?

I crawl out of the tent anyway, then do my best to ignore my head throbbing and my stomach protesting as I make my way to the table in the center. All three are sitting around the barrels, looking at me disapprovingly. I pick up the kettle but it's empty.

"You look like shit. I hope you realize how close you were to poison yourself." Jou points out.

I fill the kettle and put it back on the grill. Food is out of the question, I'm sure I won't keep anything in.

"Jou, do you have aspirins or something?" I ask. I ran out earlier this week.

He snorts. "Not for you. I hope the pain knocks some sense into your brain." I should have known, he never approved of my _unhealthy lifestyle_.

I lock eyes with Sora, she has the same _I want you to suffer_ expression. I can see why she does. I turn toward Koushiro and get the same face. Why him too? Usually he'd be on my side, or at least laughing at me. It's rare to see him so … Oh crap.

"Hey K, I promise I'll go tonight so, please, do you have something?"

"Stop by the drugstore on your way." He simply says.

If Mimi was here she would have lifted everyone's mood. I throw a couple tea bags in the water and head back to the tent. I have to somehow make myself look presentable if I want to receive some money. I slow down, I've started to recall last night. I wish I didn't. Dammit. I get in the tent.

Taichi is laying on the bed, reading my song book. To think that I used to yell to anyone who even dared to approach that book back when I lived normally. He puts down the book on his belly and smiles at me, which instantly loosen up my chest. Thank you for sticking with me kid. I slide beside him, tuck my head against his shoulder and close my eyes.

"Are you staying?" He asks.

"No, I can't. I wish I could."

"Can I come with you?"

"No, not today. I need to stop by that place."

"Oh, okay."

"Did you eat?" I raise my head and look him in the eyes.

"Yeah. Sora made me pastas." He's not lying.

"Good. I don't think I'll come back before I pick up Sora tonight." I say, painfully getting back up.

"Don't forget to brush your teeth or everyone will run away from you." I turn back and mess up Taichi's hair, causing the boy to shriek.

* * *

"The boss is here." Jun greets me at the door.

"Okay. Tell Sora I'll be waiting for her outside then." I say.

"You look awful." She says with a compassionate smile.

"Yeah. Sorry for yesterday, I …" I don't know what came over me. "It won't happen again." I say and Jun gives me a look. Tsk. Is what I just said that unbelievable?

"By the way Yama, the guys just arrived in town. They're staying until their tour resumes after new year." She says, clearly freezing in her maid outfit.

"You still keep in touch with … Whatever, thanks for letting me know. Now close the door before you get sick."

Jun seems to want to say something, but I turn around and walk away before she does. The door slams shut behind me as I put down my guitar case and my bag. I slide down to the cold concrete and lean against the brick wall. The painkillers did their job, I've been able to return to a more or less functioning state. I let my head fall back against the wall. The sky is clear but there's no star at all, not even one. Well, there's this single light, but I'm pretty sure it's the space station.

Out of the blue lyrics start forming inside my mind. I forgot how great this feels. There's this tingling in the chest and the mind seems to untangle or something. Oh. I don't have a pen or any paper on me to write the lyrics down though. It's been so long, I lost the habit to keep a notebook on me. Soon they'll disappear, having wasted their chance to come to existence on me. Shit, I can't bear to feel bad about stupid lyrics too.

I get up and walk around picking up dirty adds for maid cafes and clubs on the ground. What should I do about the pen? I could write with my blood, that'd be intense. A bunch of footsteps are coming toward me. I don't think, I just want a damn pen.

"Sorry, you have a pen I can use for a sec?" I ask as I approach five guys not much older. They look at me with growing sneers. One is cringing his teeth and there's this disgusting shit like smell that I sniff too late. I just made a huge mistake, didn't I?

"Guys, I think we just found a good one." And with that said they start cracking their knuckles, making their intention clear.

They seem to just be college students posing as delinquents on weekends but still, with five against one I don't stand a chance if I fight back. I have no choice but to take it and hope they lose interest fast. I glance at the closed door, there's just no way I'll risk putting Jun in danger.

I step back against the wall and protect my face as they start punching me. One of them pulls on my jacket and send me flying down to the ground, then they start using their feet instead. Only two of them seem to be kicking seriously, but they're both hitting me on the same side. I keep my jaw clenched tight not to let out a sound and as I hoped soon their kicks get flimsy and gradually stop. But then a hand slides in my back pocket and my wallet is pulled out. There's satisfied laughs and cheers, then the wallet is thrown on me. Shit, please don't notice my guitar and my bag. Please, anything but that.

"You wanted a pen, huh? Here." Something clicks and rolls on the ground, then they walk away. Thank God.

Once I don't hear them anymore I get up and grab my empty wallet and the pen. I walk back to my spot, holding onto my hurting left side. Good, I'm not stumbling and my face is fine. I sit down with the papers and pen and start panicking. I can't even recall the freaking lyrics anymore! No, they can't be far. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

The lyrics start coming back. I'll be angry about my money later. I'll worry about the trouble I'm in later. I even tune down the pain. All I want to do now is write. The pen starts rolling on the scraps of paper.

The flow of words inside my mind finally dries up and I resurface. I'm not alone, Sora is sitting beside me.

"How long?" My mind feels like it's numb.

"I don't know, half an hour maybe." She answers. I stare at the ground, there's pieces of paper everywhere around me. Some are dirty scraps, but a lot are clean notepad papers. I didn't even realize that Sora gave me papers. "I haven't seen you this deep in creative land in a long time."

"… It's probably just a bunch of thrash. Sorry, it wasn't worth wasting your time." I tell her.

Even that stupid song that cost me all my money. Oh … that's right, fuck! I hit the brick wall with my elbow and groan at the pain. My side starts hurting again, I must have a huge bruise there. I instinctively move to hold my side but stop myself in time.

"Yama … you're starting to really worry me. Why won't you talk to me? Please."

Shut up, you sound like my mom. Tsk. As if I know how a mom is supposed to sound like. I can't open my mouth. My mind is boiling, I'll lash out on her as soon as I do. Instead I start picking up the pieces of papers while mashing numbers in my head. Sora helps me and by the time we finish shoving everything in my bag I regained a semblance of composure.

"You're dirty, what happened?" She asks as we get up. I look down at my clothes, there's damp mud all over on one side.

"I slipped on a chunk of ice." I don't even need to think, the lie comes out naturally.

I grab my guitar and Sora insists on holding my bag but I refuse, Koushiro's stuff is in there. We start walking. I have to make an effort each step not to groan and reach for my side. Sora moves closer and wraps her arm around mine, painfully brushing my left side.

"Why aren't you moving in Jun's apartment?" I ask. Sora sighs.

"How do you know about that?" She asks instead of answering my question. Tsk, like I'd fall for it.

"Her apartment is close by and it's cheap too. It'd be way better for y—"

"I have my reasons." She cuts me. Her grip around my arm tightens. "I have a dream, but I'm keeping it a secret until it becomes possible." A dream, what's that again?

* * *

Taichi scratches off some dirt from a chocolate bar's wrapping, then proceeds to read whatever nonsense I've written on it. He frowns and looks down at the piles he's been making on my legs stretched-out over him. He wanted to sit on the bed and I needed to lie down, this is the compromise we came up with. Apparently this piece of paper deserves its own pile that he places next to the others, getting dangerously close to the end of my thighs.

"Why are you making piles?" I ask.

"Hum…" Taichi is already reading another piece of paper. "I'm separating them."

"Tsk, I get that! Why?"

"There's different…" Taichi pauses, looks down again and places the paper on one of the piles. "…Themes." He finally says.

"Themes?" I can't recall much of what I've written earlier tonight.

"Yeah, this pile is about music, this one is about friendship, this one is about love, this one is about—"

"Okay, okay, I get it. Just tell me when you find the lyrics."

They better be amazing and earn me my money back quick … Yeah right, as if a new song will make people throw more money in my case. My own songs never get nearly as much attention as when I play the newest garbage hit. Taichi has been staring at the same notepad sheet for a while now. His expression is different, he looks … shocked? Tsk, what the fuck did I write.

"What is it?" I ask, maybe a little too harshly because the boy jumps.

"Nothing." He says, forcing himself to smile while folding the paper and shoving it in his pocket.

"It can't be nothing if—" I begin, raising up on my elbows.

"Ah! No, don't move!" Taichi yells at me as he rushes to keep the piles from falling. "Stay!" He orders, glaring at me … as menacingly as a kitten rounding their back. I can't help but chuckle, even if it makes my side hurt.

"Okay, fine, but tell me what's on that paper. Otherwise I'm getting up." I say and we stare at each other. The lamp's light flickers for a second, darkening the boy's face. Then out of the blue Taichi smirks. That's a first, and kind of creepy to see on such an innocent boy.

"Oh, so you really want to know huh? Fine, actually you wrote a poem for Sora." Oh God. "It's really adorable, you want me to recite it?"

"No! Urg, why am I even letting you read these?" I say, covering my face with my hands. Seriously, why am I?

"Thanks for letting me." I look back at the kid, he's reading a paper again. He glances at me and smiles. "I like it when …" He stops and bit his lip.

"You like what?"

"… Nights like this, when you're not drunk."

His hand holding the paper moves up, apparently to make a new pile over my… "Too far." I point out and Taichi jerks his hand back up. That kid blushes so easily. "I'm that unpleasant when I'm drunk? I always thought it was the other way around."

"You're never unpleasant." Taichi says with a straight face.

This time I burst out laughing. Shit, bad idea, my side starts to hurt again. I hold in a groan, hiding my clenched teeth behind a smile. "You must be the only person on earth who thinks that." Maybe he's missing more screws than I thought. "But seriously though, is it because of your father?" He nods. "How was it to live with him?" I ask, I never had to deal with someone alcoholic.

"… Stressful. Everyday I would wake up not knowing if that day would be a good or a bad one." Taichi's posture slightly bends forward. "On bad ones, Dad would sometimes pull me out of bed in the middle of the night and force me to drink with him. He said he didn't want to drink alone, but I think what he really wanted was someone to talk to. It was awful though, every time he'd keep repeating the same bad thoughts, over and over. I didn't like it at all but I didn't complain because I thought that I was helping him." The kid stops and straightens up the piles of paper with one hand, the other is holding onto my ankle, squeezing it. "But the last time he forced me to drink I got really sick. I threw up all night and missed two days of school. Mom was really mad, she kept crying and yelling at Dad … They even threw stuff at each other. They fought like that for days, I could hear everything from my bed. I couldn't stop crying. Back then I thought I had broken the family."

The light flickers again, sign that the batteries are weakening. I gave beers to Taichi a couple times, but it's not like I was forcing him to drink … Did he feel forced? Shit.

"When was the first time you drank?" Taichi asks.

"During the attack." The boy's eyes widens.

"You were just eleven!"

"Wow, you did the math quick. How old were you back then? Five, six?"

"… Hum, six. What happened?"

"Some creatures broke in where I lived, so I ran away and hid in a basement. There was a fridge full of nothing but beers so I spent the next couple days wasting myself while reading dirty magazines." Taichi's gaze becomes sterner. I think he just lost some respect. "Don't judge, it was better than listening to the city being destroyed and worrying to death about my family." I explain.

"Yeah, I guess so … And after that? Did you continue drinking after that?" He asks. What is this? Why is he so curious abou— Tsk.

"I'm not alcoholic Taichi." I say.

He turns toward me with _that_ look. That damn look again. That same look I've seen on Jun and the others. That freaking pity riddled, patronizing look. That _just admit you have a problem_ look.

The notes fly everywhere as I leave the tent. The sheet stays stuck on my shoulder and rips from the nails keeping it in place. I throw the thing on the floor.

"Yamato! Please, wait!" Taichi yells behind me. "Can we tal—" I stop and spin around.

"Oh, you want to talk, let's talk then! You think I have a problem? It's everyone here who has problems! You're all crippling with so much issues that it's driving me crazy! Mimi's out there again, screwing over some asshole who might catch her little robin hood scheme and throw her down the river in a bag. Koushiro is using more and more and it's killing me that I'm responsible. And Jou! Did I tell you that I met Jou on a bridge he was about to jump off? Every time he's depressed I'm scared to death that I won't be there if he ever gets those ideas again! But let me tell you, out of all of them YOU have the most issues! I don't know what to do, I have no freaking clue if letting you stay here is bad or not. All you do is follow me or hide in the tent. You barely talk with the others. It's like you completely gave up on trying. You can't even be bothered to feed yourself for Christ sake! So yeah! I need a drink! Otherwise I'll lose what's left of my sanity with you guys. BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME AN ALCOHOLIC!"

Taichi's sobs fill the silence. I want to walk up to him and hold him tightly, but another part of me just wants to force him to understand, to knock some sense in— Tsk, I did not change at all in two years. I'm still the same asshole who expects everyone to behave the way I want.

"Sorry Taichi. It'd probably be better for you to stay away from me." I turn my back on the distressed teen and walk out of here.


	7. Yamato, blinded

Sunday, December 18th.

* * *

The usual taping sound of my footsteps on the sidewalk is muffled by the layer of snow covering it. I hate this, because of that damn snow falling the city is all quiet, giving my thoughts way too much space.

I know I overreacted, he's just a kid traumatized from growing up with an alcoholic father. It had nothing to do with me. Fuck! I left him crying by himself after crassly spilling his issues right up his face. I'm such an asshole.

In front of the convenience store I rip the damn poster and push the door. I'm doing them a favor, that picture sucks. I glare at that clerk who hates my guts and walk to the beer section. It might be past three in the morning by now, I don't care enough to check the clock. I grab a six pack of the cheapest brand and go toss it on the counter. The guy doesn't bother arguing with me anymore, he scans the beers right away. I pull out my wallet and open it … Shit.

"Sir …"

… I could just grab the beers and leave. No, of course I can't do that, I haven't sunken that low yet. I look up to the guy waiting on the other side of the counter. In his early twenties and working night shifts at a convenience store, he's either a slacker or studying at university, on his way to become a respectable member of society. Yeah, probably that.

He sighs and places a hand on the pack. "Is the kid still with you?"

My feet bangs the counter so hard some stuff rain down to the floor. The clerk's eyes widen. Fuck. That's it, he won't be letting me in again. I better leave now before I make things even worse. I quickly mumble an apology and walk away.

"Hey, wait!" The clerk grabs my shoulder before I can open the door. "I want to talk to you."

I push his arm off me and spin around. What the fuck does he want from me? If he cares so much he could have talked Taichi into going with him or whatever already. "Taichi's fine! I don't know what you're thinking, but we're not treating him badly." The guy frowns. "Oh for Christ's sake! What the hell do you think we're doing to him?"

"To be honest, I did think that you were working as a pimp, or recruiting for one." He says.

My mouth falls. "Wha— No! Like I'd ever force someone else to do that kind of thing!"

The guy stares at me in silence. Tsk, is he thinking about sending the cops on me? "I said I did, I don't anymore … I saw you sing the other day." He says, his expression shifting.

"So?" Come on, get to the point.

"I was surprised, you didn't seem to be that type. A lot of the songs you play are from you, right?"

"What's it got to do with Taichi?" The clerk stares at me, puzzled. "The kid. His name is Taichi."

"Right. My name is Shin, what's yours?"

Why does he keep beating around the bush? "What did you want me to do? He had problems at home I couldn't just send him back there!"

"That's not what I—" The door behind us opens and people walk in. The clerk greets them awkwardly.

"If you think you can do better, then go ahead." I say, then get out of there before he has the chance to reply.

I wander around aimlessly, holding my side that started to hurt again. I don't feel like going back, but where else can I go … Jun worked so she must be sleeping now. Tsk, aside from her there's no one, I have nowhere to go and no way to have a drink.

I drag my feet in the snow to a bench and sit. My wallet is still in my hand, I check inside. Come on, it's not like some money will miraculously appear if I keep looking. There's nothing left in there except for my expired driving license, a couple guitar picks, a picture of Takeru and the key of … No. I can't. Only addicts break into their parent's home. Even if it used to be mine too. Dad might have thought of it and had the lock changed anyway. I'm not sure I want to know if he did. I turn the silver key between my fingers. He always keeps a bottle of scotch around to relax after a long day.

I get up and start walking. It'll take me an hour to get there, more than enough time to think it over.

* * *

I stare at the lock while spinning the key between my fingers. Am I really about to do this? What if he wakes up? He'll probably yell and call the cops. Fuck, I can't do that. No, it'll be fine. I'll just sneak in and out real quick without making a noise. He'll never know that I've been there … except when he notices the missing booze. But what are the chances that he'll suspect me? I slide the key in the lock and slowly turn until the piece of metal snaps back into the door. That was kind of loud. I listen to make sure Dad is not getting up, then open the door and walk into the apartment.

Damn, it's so dark. With my hand on the wall I slowly make my way past my old bedroom. The door is closed. Good, I don't want to know if my stuff is still here or not. Even if I'd really like to have my old harmonica back. My hand touches the second door. A slow, deep breathing sound is coming from in there. I lean against the wall and listen to it while letting my eyes adapt to the dark. The smell is the same. All of a sudden it's as if I'm still a college freshman, as if the last two years never happened, as if I'm simply sneaking back home after a _very_ long night out, as if nothing happened and I never … Whatever.

The dining-living room finally appears. Papers and books are covering the table and clothes are laying around on the chairs and on the floor. Dad is living like a bachelor now. I walk around the corner into the kitchen area and open the fridge. Just as I feared it's full of nothing but condiments and left overs from take-outs. He's not eating properly. Tsk. I told him that at his age he has to be more careful, but still, if I don't cook for him he'll just …

I close the fridge, open a cabinet and find the bottle of scotch, but there's not even a third left in it. I still pick it up, grab a plastic bag laying around and shove the bottle inside. I also toss in a slice of pizza from the fridge. I'm not making the same mistake two days in a row.

I'm about to turn back toward the entrance when I stop short. Dad carelessly left his wallet on the counter. No. This is a non-negotiable, definitive no. I walk out, locking the door behind me.

* * *

I toss the empty bottle and watch it fall down and disappear into the river. The sky isn't pitch black anymore, the city's lights are disappearing. Right now, here on the middle of the bridge, this is the most peaceful life can get. But neither this nor the alcohol could stop my sulking mind.

I should hurry back and apologize to Taichi before things get too awkward. I know that, but … Urg, I'm definitely bound for another round of nasty comments from the others. Maybe not Koushiro, but Jou and Sora will have a lot to say about the way I treated Taichi. What sucks is that _yet again_ they're right and I'm the one in the wrong. But what's worse is I know Taichi will forgive me right away. Fuck, why do I still keep messing up and hurting people close to me, I'm so sick of it!

I crouch and lean against the railing. I'm still thirsty. I do have some change I left in the tent. If I go back I could get it and … and then what? I go play music all day for scraps that'll only last me through tomorrow? And winter isn't even here yet … this isn't working. Why the fuck did I think I could live off just playing music outside, it's so obvious it was only going to pay during summer! Even if I still had my money it wouldn't have been much different, I was already doomed to hit this point in a couple weeks at best.

And everyone still thinks I'm doing fine. How do I explain to them that they can't rely on me anymore? I push off my hood and run a hand through my hair. No, I don't have to tell them. I simply need to find another way to make more cash. It's just … It's not like there's a ton of ways.

I get up and start walking back toward the land. I don't feel like going home just yet. I'll go crash at Jun's place for a bit instead, and then … I don't know, I have no freaking clue what I'm gonna do.

* * *

I knock and wait, then knock again. Shit, she must still be sleeping. I'm about to leave when the door finally opens. The chain fully stretches, then Jun's tired eye appears through the gap.

"Yama? What are you doing here?" She whispers.

"Can I come in? Please." Tsk, I sounded like I was begging her.

"Not now. Come back later, okay?" She says, glancing behind. She's not alone.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have come." I say.

"No it's fine, just come back in a couple hou—" Her eyes widen.

"Who is it?" That voice … Oh god, he's here.

The door closes and I listen to the sound of the chain sliding over. I want to rush out of here, but my legs aren't obeying. The door opens again and Takashi appears in front of me, wearing nothing but black boxers. My heart stops.

"Matt! What a surprise, come in."

His jet black hair is slightly undone, but he still looks incredibly stylish. His mouth curves into a fake smile as his beautiful emerald eyes inspect me. Fuck, why am I still here? I must look like shit, I'm wearing clothes with dried mud all over. My legs finally move but Takashi immediately grabs my arm and pulls me inside.

"Hey, don't go now. It's been what, almost three years since we last saw each other?" He says, his muscular back facing me while he closes and locks the door. "We have a lot of catching up to do, don't you think?" He turns back to me with a big sneer.

"Takashi…" Jun begins, but he ignores her and go grab a bottle of whiskey sitting on the living room's table.

"Want a drink? I know it's early," he looks me up and down again, "but I doubt that's a problem for you." He then walks away into the kitchen.

"Yama, you should leave now." Her hand barely brushes my arm and I'm already a step away from her.

"You said he was in town, not in your b—"

"Hey, what's with the long faces? We're supposed to be celebrating!" Takashi says, coming back holding three drinks. He gives me a glass full to the brim, hands a normal drink to Jun and raises his own glass of whiskey. "To our first reunion since the last night you screwed with us." I watch him down his glass. Jun is staring at the floor. "Come on! It's a toast, everyone has to drink." I bring the glass to my mouth and take a sip. Jun follows. "Down it." He orders, losing his fake enthusiasm. I obey.

But damn that was a lot. Takashi takes my glass back and without a warning pushes me over to the couch. I stumble and fall over. By the time I'm sitting he's coming back with my glass full again. He must be kidding … he wants to kill me? He shoves the glass in my hand and sits in front of me on the coffee table, deliberately locking his legs around mine. He's doing this on purpose. I try to look away from him, but … fuck, even after over two years he still has the same effect on me.

"You wouldn't believe how glad I am that you're here, I really thought I'd have to search all the dumps around town to find you. There's something important I need to discuss with you. Drink."

Oh, I get it. He wants me drunk to smoothly talk me into whatever it is that he wants. "I'm already drunk. What do you want?" I don't even need to fake it, I'm slurring.

"Not enough, I'm not dealing with your bad temper again. Drink." He orders again, his piercing gaze fixed on me.

Fuck it. I drink the alcohol. Whatever he wants, I don't care. My throat rejects the last sip though, I gag it right back out on the floor. Sorry Jun. Takashi stands up again and disappears into Jun's bedroom. It doesn't take long before the room starts spinning.

Takashi comes back holding a thick file that he dumps on my lap before sitting back in front of me. "Read it."

"Like I caan." I can't even focus anymore.

"READ."

I open the file and start glancing through the pages. I'm sweating, my heart is beating fast. I feel him, right in front of me, hating me. I should just sign whatever this is, maybe he'll forgive me a little. I turn a page and notice that some words seem familiar. I lean closer, it's one of my songs. I check the other pages again. They're all there, all the songs I wrote for Teenage Wolves.

"What is'is?" I ask the guy who once was my first crush and my best friend.

"A document warranting that all the songs created for Teenage Wolves rightfully belong to its former members and their new band The New Wolfgang."

"NO!" I toss the file and get up, just to trip on Takashi's leg and land on the floor.

"You owe us that Matt. Think of it as a gift to the guys you tyrannized."

Even so … "They're mine, I use them!" I grab the corner of the table and somehow manage to pull myself back up on my knees.

"Yeah, Jun told me that you've been singing on the streets for money. I'll be honest with you, this is a waste of really good songs." Takashi grabs my shoulders and pulls me up, then pins me against the wall. "Look at it this way, your songs will be played all over Japan by one of the most popular bands out there. What more could you possibly ask for?!"

"No!"

Takashi's face is just a couple inches away from mine. He looks me in the eyes, like he's calculating his next move. I'm glad he dropped the fake act, it didn't suit him.

"You want money. Of course I'll write you a check, I'm not a jerk. You need money, don't you?" He seems convinced that with this I'll start eating in his hand.

"I'll never let _that guy_ sing my songs." I might be slurring and not looking straight, I still manage to sound categorical because Takashi's expression hardens.

" _That guy_ , he might not have your talent but he isn't an ass like you were!" Suddenly something hits me right on my left side. Shit.

I cry out as a sharp, blinding pain radiates through my body. Takashi immediately releases me and I drop down on the floor. "…on't screw wit… barely touched …" Takashi's distant voice disappears under the ringing sound in my ears.

I must have passed out for a second, because the next thing I know Takashi is crouched beside me, holding my head while I'm throwing up. Once it stops coming out he backs off and Jun drops a bunch of towels over the mess. I can't stop groaning, fuck it hurts.

My shirt is pulled up. "Holy … There's no way I'm the one who did that, okay? I don't know what happened to you but this doesn't look good at all, there might be internal bleeding. You need to go to the hospital." Takashi says.

I chuckle. Laughing hurts, but this is just too funny.

"Why d-do you c-are?" Talking hurts, breathing hurts, existing hurts. "You c-ut all t-ties with me."

"Look, we tried, okay? We put up with a lot because you had talent. You could have been with us where we are now. If only you weren't so stubborn and got help."

"For-get the b-band … You were my b-best friend."

I keep my eyes on the towels, I don't want to see what his expression is. Takashi stands up and disappears in the bedroom. Jun sits beside me and starts running her hand through my hair. I can't move to push her away. Whatever.

Takashi comes back dressed and ready to leave. "Here, use this to bring him to the hospital, okay?" He gives something to Jun and then squats in front of me. I close my eyes. "Listen, I want to use those songs and I'll use them. I'm leaving the document here and you have until the 24th to sign it, okay? If you do, I'll give you your fair share. If you don't, you won't get anything and we'll still sing your songs this Saturday. It's our agent who wants those papers signed to avoid any problem, but we all know very well that you can't do anything anyway. Don't worry though, I promise I'll be generous … for old time's sake. Think about it, you could use that money to get back on your feet. I know what this is about and let me tell you, you're not doing anyone a favor by wasting your life away like this. Not me and especially not your brother."

I only open my eyes after I hear the door slam. Jun is pulling out her cell phone.

"What you …"

"Calling us a cab. We're going to the hospital." She says.

"Can't go … too drunk."

* * *

"Yama." … ngh … "Yama, wake up." urg … shut up. "Hey! Yama!" Tsk. I open my eyes, Jun is standing beside the hospital bed with her coat on. "Jeez, finally! I have to go, I work tonight and I want to catch up on some sleep." She does have sunken eyes. "I didn't get much last night." She feels the need to add.

I give her a nasty look. "I didn't want to know that."

"Glad to see you're sobering. If you're hungry you can try asking a nurse. For you though I doubt they'll bother, but diner will be served soon anyway. We tried to make you eat around noon, but you _nicely_ told us to scram." … Shit.

I don't remember. I can't even recall checking in here. I think I blacked out in the cab. I turn away from Jun's reproachful eyes. She's unfair, Takashi forced me to drink. I scan the room. There isn't much to see, the bed is surrounded by light blue curtains, but I can hear people talking, coughing and whining everywhere.

"How long will I … Is it bad?" I ask. I don't feel any pain, not even a headache, they must have given me painkillers.

"Great, so you don't remember at all." She tosses her purse on the bed. "You're fine. The doctor said you were lucky that your kidney wasn't injured. He did mention something about internal bleeding but it's nothing serious, it had almost stopped when they examined you. The doctor seemed more preoccupied by your level of intoxication. Just in case they'll keep you on observation for the night and you should be discharged tomorrow after they re-examine you."

I chuckle and grab the bed's remote. "Yeah, right." I push a button and the front of the bed starts rising. "They faked to care because you're with me, but they'll kick me out as soon as you leave. The ER doctors despise drunks, and drunk bums like me even more." The bed stops when it reaches its limit. I toss the remote. "Jou told me about a drunk guy who died here after they left him on a bed to sober up while he had a severe head trauma. They got away with it because the symptoms just made him look more drunk. But the guy had a black eye, they would normally have to suspect a head injury and check to make sure. They just didn't care and believe me they didn't give a damn about me either. For all we know I might be bleeding to death right now."

"Jeez, you're such a ray of sunshine when you're sobering. You don't trust them, fine don't. They were kind of judgmental to be honest. But you can trust me, I stayed with you th—"

"Shut up!" I yell and Jun freezes with her mouth open. "I can't believe you're telling me to trust you, after you've been blabbing about me to Takashi! And having sex with him!"

Silence falls between us. Tsk. I know it's unfair and I already regret saying it … but does the way I feel always has to be wrong?! Can't I be just once the one who's— The curtain slides and a nurse appears. She shifts her hateful gaze from me to Jun. "Is everything alright here?" She clearly snarls under a thin veil of professionalism.

"Y-Yes, sorry Madam. We'll be quiet." Jun says. The woman gives me a last black glance and leaves. It wasn't an exaggeration, the nurses really do hate me. "… I never said I was on your side Yama." She whispers, staring at the swirling blue curtain.

I start feeling heavy, it's like my body just remembered how tired it is. That's right, why would she be on my side? … God I'm so sick of always being the asshole.

"But you're still on Takashi's side after what he did. He hit me and forced me to drink all that alcohol. You were there, you saw it." I point out, not that it matters.

"Hitting you was wrong, but he didn't know you were hurt. I saw it, he wasn't lying when he said he barely touched you." Jun explains. She really is on his side. "And Yamato … Takashi just told you to drink and you did right away. He never actually forced or threatened you."

Suddenly it feels like all my blood is slipping out of my body. What? I'm not crazy, he meant to force me to drink too much by giving me these full glasses. Okay, maybe I didn't really mind the first glass, but I didn't want to drink the second. I can still hear his forceful voice urging me to drink. It's true that I did obey right away but it was clear that otherwise he wou— No, none of this even crossed my mind. Back then I didn't for a second consider refusing … "because it was Takashi." I admit to myself.

"I know Yama." Jun places her hand on my shoulder. I swallow the urge to shove it away.

"Sorry about the yelling" I whisper. Jun pats my shoulder, then grabs her purse. "Jun, I can't pay the hospital fees. Last night some guys … I was mugged."

"So that's how you got hurt. Don't worry, I took care of the bills already. Takashi gave me enough to cover for everything." Tsk. She walks toward the curtain, then stops and looks back at me. "Don't forget to drop by to sign the papers, okay?"

"I'm not signing them." I growl.

"You heard him, it doesn't matter whether or not you sign them. You need the mone—"

"I don't want his fucking money!"

Jun's eyes lose their glow. "You also need help Yamato. Pull yourself together … or you'll lose everyone around you again. I'm—" She sighs and turns away. "I'll see you around."

"Don't tell anything to Sora!" I yell as Jun disappears behind the curtain.

* * *

The nurse walks in pushing a cart, tosses a plate of food on the table beside my bed and leaves. Not a word or even a glance, just lovely. Not that I doubt that I deserve it. I pull the table in front of me and remove the cover, revealing a bland meal that still manages to make me salivate. A mixture of mashed vegetables along with rice and a small portion of salmon. I eat it all, then drink the tea. I would have eaten another plate.

"Mister Ishida Yamato." A man's voice calls.

The curtain is pushed open and a middle aged doctor comes in and stands in front of the bed. He's staring at his clipboard. He looks familiar, maybe he's the same doctor from this morning. He flips a page and keeps on reading, like I'm not there. Not a word or even a glance, at this point it's almost becoming funny.

The man finally lowers the clipboard and looks at me. "Mister Ishida you were admitted this morning severely intoxicated and presenting a trauma on the left flank. Regardless of your blood alcohol level, the doctor in service was able to perform a full examination and determined that the injury was superficial, with no fracture and no damage to organs. He advised to keep you under observation until your level of intoxication diminishes and permits a safe discharge for yourself and others." He explains in a monotone voice. This doesn't match up with what Jun told me.

"My friend was with me and she talked about some internal bleeding." I say.

The graying man glances down at the document. "Minor bleeding in the soft tissues, nothing to worry about. I'll sign your discharge papers."

Eh, go figure. "But she said I would be re-examined before I'm discharged."

"Alright." The doctor simply says. He places the clipboard on the bed and pulls out a pair of gloves from his pocket. Wait, he's going to do it now? He didn't even close the curtain.

The doctor asks me to pull up my shirt, then examines the large dark purple bruise on my side. I now understand why Takashi wanted me to go to the hospital … I don't think it even once crossed my mind to check my side.

"Are you feeling weak, lightheaded?" He asks.

"No."

He carefully presses my side. "Does it hurt?"

"Not as much."

"The ecchymosis has started to heal. There's no swelling or blood cloth. You're fine." He says and backs away from me.

I release my shirt. Was it really that demanding to care for me? It took him like five seconds. Our eyes meet. I can't tell if he's just cold or keeping a professional attitude. He turns toward the wall and grabs the thing that measures the blood pressure. He rolls the black tube around my arm, then pushes a button and the instrument inflates. What's that for? A minute ago he was ready to release me.

"If you say I'm fine you don't nee—"

"Sit on the side of the bed." He cuts me while freeing my arm.

I obey. He takes my wrist in his hand and starts feeling my pulse, his eyes staring at my chest. Tsk, I should have just shut my mouth and let him discharge me. He releases my wrist and puts his stethoscope in his ears, then proceeds to unbutton my shirt. I instinctively grab his arm.

I hurry and remove my hand. "Sorry, I'll do it." Fuck, he's not going to file a complaint now, is he?

He waits for me to finish undressing, then proceeds to listen to several parts of my chest and back, asking me to take deep breathes from time to time. After he's done he doesn't say anything and just puts the stethoscope back around his neck. I dress up. I guess everything is normal. He picks up another instrument in his pocket. He's not done yet? He approaches my eye with that thing. Too close, I turn away.

"Look at me." He orders, his hand gently but firmly turning my head back to him.

"Why are you checking my eyes? It has nothing to do with my side." I ask, unable to look straight at him.

He sighs. "Stop moving your eyes … I'm doing a complete check up."

He switches to my other eye, his hand still holding my chin. Please hurry and be done. "Why?"

"How long has it been since you had your last check up?"

"… Three, maybe four years. I'm not sure. But I have a friend living with me who's done some university in medicine. He keeps an eye on our health." I say. The doctor puts back his instrument in his pocket, but comes back to my eyes and pulls my eyelids with his fingers.

"How long did your friend attend university?" He asks.

"Two years I think." The man doesn't say anything, he keeps a straight face, but it's obvious what he's thinking. "He always says he was born with a stethoscope around his neck. He knows what he's doing, one of us had a crazy high fever a week ago and he treated him." I say, feeling the urge to defend Jou.

"For how long have you been living on the streets?" He suddenly asks, staring me in the eyes with his hands still holding the sides of my head.

"I'm not—"

"It's written that you're homeless on the questionnaire your friend filled." Tsk, you're supposed to lie on these things Jun.

"Two years." I say, averting my eyes. There's no point in lying now.

The man finally removes his hands from my face and takes yet another instrument. This time he turns my head and sticks the thing in my ear. "Have you ever done screening tests for—"

"Last spring, yeah." I cut him. "J-My friend forced me to do them after I met him. The results all turned up negative." Thank god he chose to tackle that subject while we're not looking at each other. He turns my head and looks at the other ear.

"Since then have you engaged into risky behaviors that would justify taking those tests again?" He asks, stepping back.

"No." I say, which is the truth, but I still can't help but look away as I answer. He'll think I'm lying, but it's not like it makes any difference.

The doctor unwraps a large wooden stick and asks me to open my mouth. "Huh … No apparent cavities … No gingivitis … Two years you said. That's surprising." Why is he surprised that I brush my teeth? He notices my confusion. "In all my career you're the first one I meet maintaining good oral hygiene after that long."

"It's normal, for me my mouth and my hands are what's most important." I explain after he pulled out the stick.

"And why is that?" He asks.

Wait, why am I telling this to him? I don't answer. The man is still looking at me with the same distant expression, he was probably just being polite.

He takes my hand and examines my fingers. "You play the guitar." He points out, probably because of the calluses. "Is this how you earn your money?" I nod, even though _used to earn_ would be more accurate. He examines the back of my hand. I've started wearing fingerless gloves while playing even though it screams hobo, but the skin there still keeps cracking up. "The cold weather dried out your skin, but you can correct it with some moisturizing cream everyday." Great, I'll put it on the list for when I have money again.

The doctor finally drops my hand and starts examining my neck.

"Why did your friend stop studying medicine?" He asks out the blue after a moment.

"It was too much pressure. He was constantly struggling to keep up, but then last spring he performed miserably during his finals."

"I see … Quitting is one thing, but why did he choose to live like that?" He asks, now palpating my head.

"That's not what he chose at first. When I met him he was about to jump off the bridge." His hands freeze on the back of my head and he looks down to me, his face finally betraying some emotions. He should do that more often, it makes him look human. "Somehow I managed to convince him to come live with me instead." The memory of Jou's dead eyes fixing the dark river below his dandling feet flashes in my mind. I never want to live something like that again. "He says that back then he probably suffered a nervous breakdown. He also assured me that he's better now … although he still often looks down."

The doctor's hands start moving again. He finishes checking my head in silence, then pulls out his little hammer and gives each knee a couple hits which cause my legs to jump. He puts the instrument away and steps back.

"Well then." He says, crossing his arms. "Is there anything you want to ask me?" I shake my head. So the examination is over, huh. "Do you mind if I ask you something then?" I stare at him. Why is he asking now, when he's been doing it the whole time. "… You're so young, why are you doing this to yourself?"

I toss my legs over the bed to the other side and get up. Shit, too fast. The floor starts moving so I sit back on the bed. My jacket is hanging on a rack beside me. As soon as the dizziness passes I'll grab it and get out of here.

I hear him sigh behind me. "I see. You're very talkative when it comes to your friend, but you won't talk about yourself." Whatever, it's not like I'm ever gonna see you again anyway. "Fine then, I'll go get your discharge papers. You can't leave before I come back, understood?"

His steps rapidly fade away and the room suddenly feels empty. Tsk. I get up, slowly this time, and put on my jacket. Then I just stand there. What am I waiting for? I won't be put in jail just for a signature, plus the bills have been paid already … Dammit. I sit back on the bed.

The doctor comes back with documents and a tube that he holds out to me. "Here, this is for your hands." He says.

I shake my head. "I don't have money."

"You don't have to pay for it." He simply responds and puts the moisturizing cream in my hand. "And here, take these with you too." He gives me a pile of brochures. The one on the top is for the Alcoholics Anonymous. Tsk.

"I'm not—" He stops me with his hand.

"That one is given to everyone who is admitted with any level of alcohol in their blood." He says.

"… I don't usually drink in the morning either." I mumble, skimming through the documents. Shelters, soup kitchens, day centers … I don't need any of these, I can take care of myself.

I sign a couple times, then the doctor gives me a copy of my discharge and the bill. I stare at the number at the bottom. Ten thousand yen that Takashi paid. No way in hell, I'm definitely giving him back his money. Even if it mea—

"Here." A plastic bag appears in front of me. He noticed that I don't have a bag. "You're now free to leave."

"Thanks." I take the bag. "For the cream and everything too." I might be a bum but I still have some manners.

"Take care of yourself, and of your friend too."

I nod and watch him leave … Has Dad's hair started graying too? I toss everything in the plastic bag and get up.

I exit the hospital and step back out into the cold night. What do I do now?


	8. Taichi, left behind

Sunday, December 18th.

* * *

"…But let me tell you, out of all of them YOU have the most issues! I don't know what to do, I have no freaking clue if letting you stay here is bad or not. All you do is follow me or hide in the tent. You barely talk with the others. It's like you completely gave up on trying. You can't even be bothered to feed yourself for Christ sake! So yeah! I need a drink! Otherwise I'll lose what's left of my sanity with you guys. BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME AN ALCOHOLIC!"

Yamato stops yelling. I can't stop sobbing, I have to say something to fix this, otherwise he'll—

"Sorry Taichi. It'd probably be better for you to stay away from me." He says so softly I barely hear it, then turns around and walks out of here. My limbs won't move and my voice stays stuck in my throat. My head drops and I watch the wet circles forming on the ground.

I messed up, I never meant to hurt him. Maybe he thought that I was judging him. Dammit! I would never do that, I know too well how it feels to be looked down on and have your worth as a human crushed and spat on. But I also know what alcohol can do to a person's life. He might not be there yet, but I'm worried that he's headed down that way. I just wanted to help him understand that. Clearly, doing it tonight was a shitty idea. And to think that we were having a good time, sharing stuff. It was nice … It was for me at least. I never realized that ever since I'm here I've been putting such a strain on him. It hurts to hear, but in a way I'm glad he said those things. Now that I know, I can work on not being a burden anymore. I pull on my stripped sleeve and wipe my face.

Dragging steps start echoing through the bare building. Koushiro is walking toward me with a huge grin. "Pfft. Look who's talking about having issues. Seriously, he thinks he's our mom or what?" He says. His dirty untied boots stop in front of me. His eyes are red and he smells. I step back, making him laugh. "You're still scared of me. That's cute." He steps forward and I step back again. "You're aware that what Yama said about you is all true, right?" I stare at him. Why is he saying that? Yeah, I know I'm shy, that I'm not doing much, that I've been pretty much living in the tent, that I— Oh.

"I eat everyday." I say. No, I don't get why Yamato said I'm not feeding myself. Suddenly Koushiro jumps forward and pulls my hoodie. "HEY!" I pull away from him, but can't get out of the firm grip he has on my hoodie. His hand brushes my chest.

"Damn! He said you were scrawny, but this is something." He says.

"Stop it, I lost weight while I was sick!" I pull harder, but only manage to stretch my shirt.

"Pfft. Do you really believe that? I've been keeping an eye on what you eat. Let me tell you, it isn't much."

"What are you talking about? I never starved myself." I stop struggling.

He lets go of my shirt and stares me in the eyes. "It doesn't have to be extreme like anorexia or bulimia to be a problem." It? Koushiro smirks. "Your eating disorder Taichi."

"You're wrong." I say, tucking down my shirt. I can't have that, I don't think I'm overweight. I don't even like how I look. "… I'm going after Yamato." I walk past Koushiro toward the entrance, but he grabs my arm.

"Don't, it's dangerous out there. He's probably too far already anyway." He says.

He's not holding my arm tightly, but I don't try pulling it away. I promised Yamato that I wouldn't go out at night and, to be honest, just thinking about being out there alone …

"You wanna know what else is a problem?" I look back at Koushiro. "You trying to help Yamato when you're barely functioning yourself." His words hit hard.

"What's going on here?" It's Jou's tired voice, he's walking up to us. Koushiro releases my arm.

"Oh, not much. Yama just threw a fit at Kitty, yelled about how fed up he is with everyone here having issues and then stormed out." Koushiro casually explains. "I'm surprised you guys didn't hear, he was really loud." He adds, glancing toward Sora's tent.

Jou crosses his arms. "And what were _you_ doing to him Koushiro?"

"What?! Come on, it's obvious that I was comforting the kid! Right Taichi?" A hand lands on my shoulder. I ignore him.

"Are you okay Taichi?" Jou asks.

"I messed up." I say, looking back at the door where Yamato left.

"Don't worry, it's not the first time Yamato has a fit and leaves. He'll come back after he's calmed down, I promise." Jou says.

"I hope … He said it would be better if I stayed away from him." I say and they both chuckle.

"Classic Yama." Koushiro laughs. "Sorry to break it to you, but your dear Yamato is a drama queen."

"A drama queen with real issues." Jou corrects. He's not denying the drama queen part.

"Right. Anyway, now that _big brother Jou_ is here that means I can leave. Good night Kitty." Koushiro flashes me with his usual careless smile and walks away toward his tent.

Jou grabs the sheet on the floor and starts fixing it back on the tent, hitting the nails using a brick found laying around. While he does that I pick up the pieces of paper that flew out here.

Jou tosses the brick away, then approaches me. "Yamato might not come back tonight though." My stomach squeezes. "Mimi's tent is close to mine if you don't want to sleep alone over here." He proposes.

"Thanks … but I'll be fine." I want to be there when he comes back.

An awkward silence falls between us. I think this is the first time we're having a conversation just the two of us … Yamato's right, I haven't even tried to get along with the others.

Jou scratches the back of his head. "Hum … How about a cup of hot chocolate?"

"We have that?" Since I got here I've only been drinking water or tea.

"I do, but it's a secret between us, okay?" He says. I wouldn't have guessed he had a soft spot for chocolate.

* * *

A hot cup with a tempting chocolate smell lands on my knee. I take it. Jou sits on the couch with his cup, far from the corner I'm curled up in. I blow on the hot liquid a couple times, then take a sip. It's delicious! So rich and creamy … Wait, where did he get the milk?

"Dry milk." Jou says. "I make my own mix." How did he kn— "Did people ever tell you that you're like an open book?" I shake my head. "It means you're very expressive. All your emotions show on you face." Jou explains, adjusting his glasses. Everything? Damn. "Don't worry, it just means you're very honest which is not a bad thing. Well … most of the time it isn't." No kidding.

I take another sip. See? I have no problem drinking this hot chocolate even though I'm sure it's full of calories. Plus at around noon I ate a bowl of pastas. I didn't eat tonight though, I stayed in the tent. This morning either, I was catching up on some sleep. Okay, I do skip meals sometimes, but that's just because for years I've been living without any schedule. Koushiro calling this a disorder was really stretching it. All I need to do is stop missing meals. I can do that without any problem. Plus it'll be one less thing for Yamato to worry about.

"Do you want to talk about what's on your mind?" Jou asks. He really can see through me.

"It's alright but, I was wondering if … Is there a watch I can borrow?" I manage to mumble. Jou looks surprised, but he puts down his cup and removes his own watch. He then moves closer and attaches the bracelet on my wrist. "Thanks." Even on last hole the bracelet is still loose, but the tiny clock hand for the seconds makes a soothing ticking sound.

"No problem." He slides back to his place. "I'm glad that you're starting to warm up to the rest of us. You know, Mimi is envying Yamato for having you all to himself." Jou says with a light smile.

I smile back then drink some chocolate. Yeah, I should try to get along with them, except maybe Koushiro. It's not because socializing had been nothing but a long series of bad experiences in the past that it'll necessarily be the same here. I'm already getting along with Yamato just fin— I squeeze my lips shut. Oh god, this didn't just ruin our relationship for good, did it? When he comes back we'll make up and everything will be back to normal, right? My eyes start to burn. I bit the inside of my cheek. I can't lose him, he's the first person I'm close to since high school happened, maybe even befo—

"Stop worrying about tonight." Jou jerks me back to reality. "We've been living here with him for a while and let me tell you, angering Yamato has been pretty much a part of our daily routine." Jou lets out a chuckle. "You two fighting tonight just means that you're part of the group." My lips curve into a grin that I hide in my cup.

* * *

Back in the tent, I clean up the mess then plop down on the bed. I pull out the paper in my pocket. " _Takeru I'm so sorry little brother_ " Yamato simply wrote. I probably didn't have to hide it, but unlike the rest it was personal so I was afraid seeing it would upset him. Yeah, I ended up upsetting him anyway. I look at the name written in katakana … could Yamato's brother be Hikari's best friend? It might just be a coincidence, but the ages match and, come on, first Daisuke and now Takeru? I doubt it. Of course Yamato can't ever know about that, I'm supposed to be younger than his brother.

I remove my shoes, turn off the lamp and curl under the blankets. Yamato is sorry for what? For leaving? Or maybe for the horrible thing he said he did. What could he have done that's so grave it can't be fixed? A shiver runs down my neck. No, it can't be that serious. Like they said, he's probably being too dramatic about it. But if that's the case, then perhaps it's not too late for him to fix his relationship with his brother and the rest of his … I turn and rest my head on my arm. Family, huh. I wonder if someday, once I _finally mature_ like Mom said, I'll be able to meet them again.

The watch is ticking loudly close to my ear. Right, tomorrow I'll make up with Yamato and start working on not being a bother to him anymore.

* * *

A loud bang jerks me awake. A ball dribbles a couple times, then hits the wall close to the tent again. Urg, Koushiro's the one doing this for sure. I pull the pillow over my head, but the banging is still too loud for me to sleep. I slip out from under the blankets and draw the sheet.

"Morning Kitty! Wanna play with me?" The druggie asks, stopping the soccer ball with his feet. He's talking with that same exaggerated enthusiasm, like last night never happened. What's with him? If he wasn't acting the same way with the others I'd think he's bullying me, because he sure does act like one. I give him a stern look and he replies with a smile. But last night he crossed a line by gripping me like that.

I check the center. "He hasn't come back yet." Koushiro points out right away.

I let go of the sheet and drop back on the bed. Koushiro keeps calling me Kitty, he must think I'm pretty pathetic. I slap my hands on my face and grown. Dammit! I was starting to get over it. It's just a color … and to be honest I kind of grew fond of these clothes, just like I did for my hair. I don't know why though. It would be easier to wear other clothes, like it would have been to cut my hair. But Mimi chose them for me and everyone say they suit me. I know wearing them makes me look childish but … for some mysterious reason it really soothes me.

My stomach growls. Oh, right. I check the time. Half past noon?! Great, I already missed a meal. I put on my shoes and my coat and get out of the tent. Koushiro kicks the ball toward my feet, but I dodge it and walk toward the center. Sora is cooking something, she glances at me and flips the food.

"Hey Taichi. You want an omelet?" She says, her voice lacking enthusiasm.

"Hum …" I look down at the omelet made using eggs from the bin. Was I hungry? "… No thanks." I grab a can of peaches and the opener and fix myself a late breakfast.

"K told me what happened last night." She says, picking up the pepper shaker. She sprays some all over the pan. To cover up the taste? Urg. "… You know Taichi," She puts down the shaker and finally looks me in the eyes. "I hope you realize that there's more to Yamato than that." I swallow the peach in my mouth with difficulty. The tone she just used makes it clear that she thinks I messed up too. She runs a hand in her hair and gets back to her omelet. "Did he tell you about his old band being The New Wolfgang now?" I nod, scooping the peaches and dropping them back in the can. "I'm pretty sure seeing posters of them everywhere in the city is upsetting him." Oh, I didn't even think about that. She sighs. "Yamato gets more easily affected by everything when there's something on his mind. But it's almost impossible to tell exactly what's going on in his mind since he hardly ever talks about himself or his past." Sora grabs a plate, then slides the spatula under her omelet.

"So you guys don't know either." I say. She raises an eyebrow at me. "What the irredeemable thing he did two years ago is." The spatula stops mid-air and the omelet slowly slides back on the pan.

"He told you that?" I nod. She looks down at her omelet and picks it up again. "You already know more than us then." She tosses the food on the plate. "You have a good influence on him Taichi … Just be more careful okay?" She says with a smile, then walks away to her tent. If she thinks so, then why did her smile just now seem forced?

Koushiro is nowhere to be seen. I finish eating and lie down on the couch. Yamato won't be able to say that I'm hiding in the tent again … Dammit Yamato, just come back already! I stretch my arm and grab the first book I can reach in one of the boxes. They've managed to hoard an impressive amount of stuff over time. I guess it helps to live in a fixed place like this. Plus they don't have to fear being kicked out or arrested, unlike the homeless who are living in the par— Oh! I hear footsteps and turn toward the entrance, just to watch Koushiro leave with his laptop bag dandling on his back. I have no idea where he goes everyday with that thing, but I can't really picture the guy sitting at the library or in a café … Eh, who cares. I open the book and start reading.

I don't even know what I'm reading, my mind keeps drifting while my eyes continue to browse the lines of text. That's just when I don't keep losing my line by checking the door. I drop the book and go fetch my dirty clothes.

An hour later everything is drying on a rack close to the barrels, more or less cleaner. Mimi showed me how to wash clothes using the bar of soap, but there must be something I'm doing wrong because my clothes just don't feel clean like hers. I add a couple planks in the fires. A place to stay, an endless supply of burning material … It's weird to think that this is all thanks to the attacks ten years ago. Not that I wouldn't prefer if it never happened.

I walk around the room. There isn't much to explore, the building is just a big empty shell except for the pillars and lots of pipes and lights hanging from the ceiling. Maybe this place was going to be a shop or some office, who knows. At the front door I peek out and almost fall down. There's snow everywhere! I get out and take a stroll down the street. Covered in snow the landscape is now brighter, cleaner. I love it!

It's so quiet too. Except for a couple crows watching over the ruins here and there, nothing is moving or making a sound, there's no cars, no people talking or walking around, nothing here but crumbling buildings.

Huh. Thinking about it, this place kind of feels like a post apocalyptic world, one where humanity would have gone extinct. Maybe this would be the reality now if the monsters hadn't been defeated. _If_ they were actually defeated that is. What did DigiHacker say about that again? Oh yeah, he claimed to have proofs that the governments lied about the monsters being defeated and that the global crisis simply ended when the creatures vanished as abruptly as they appeared. To him the real questions then are, what was their goal and did they succeed or not? Gosh I miss this guy's crazy theories!

After going up a slope a huge piece of concrete appears in front of me. Huge … I mean gigantic. It's over two stories tall and it's blocking the whole street, having completely flattened houses on both sides. Oh, it might be a part of the elevated highway that was destroyed. So a piece landed all the way over here, this part of the city sure was hit hard by the attacks.

With nothing better to do, I start kicking scraps toward a house across the street. Half of it has collapsed, leaving the other half wide open. I manage to send a pebble flying inside the house. There's a small clunk, then something moves in the shadows. A dog, it must be a dog. A really tall dog. I run back home.

* * *

The needle on the watch hits six o'clock. My hands are warming up around the cup of instant ramen while I wait for the noodles to cook. Jou and Sora are discussing together by the front door, too far away for me to hear what they're saying. Sora quickly waves me goodbye and leaves for work. We haven't talked since our conversation this morning. Jou comes over and starts peeling a carrot.

"I'm making…" He looks at the table. "some fried rice I guess. I can't cook like Yamato, but you want some?" I shake my head and show him my ramen cup. His eyes shift between the food in my hands and me, then he turns his attention back to his carrot. "Okay." I bring the cup close to my mouth and slurp a bunch of noodles. Jou starts cutting the carrot and the first piece flies away on the floor. He sighs and adjusts his glasses. "I proposed to Sora to go get her tonight, but she said that if Yamato doesn't go she'll take a cab." I squeeze my lips and bit the inside of my cheek, but this time it's not enough. "Taichi …" Jou begins, but I put down the cup and walk back to the tent.

* * *

"Fuck!"

I jump in the bed. By the time I push the blankets away, Sora is already gone. "He didn't come back!" I hear her yell outside the tent.

I rush out of the tent and run up to Sora walking back toward the center where Jou and Koushiro are waiting for her, arms crossed. The watch on my wrist shows two thirty.

"What's going on?" I ask, but she ignores me.

"If they discharged him already, that means his injury wasn't serious." Jou says as we arrive.

"I know that! Why he hasn't come back here yet is what I want to know! He's not at Jun's apartment, that means he's still out there even though he's injured and with no cash, why?!" Sora yells.

"What happened?" I try again. Sora glares at me.

"Apparently Yamato was mugged last night." Jou explains.

The thickness in my throat makes it hard to swallow. Last night, he left in the middle of the night because of me.

"Tell me what happened last night." Sora orders me. I can't look her in the eyes.

"Sora, calm down." Jou stretches his hand toward her shoulder, but she shoves it away.

"No! I want to know EXACTLY what that brat did to Yama!" She says, pointing at me.

"I-I just…" The words get stuck in my throat.

"Don't tell me you didn't do anything! K said that you must have confronted him on his drinking! Why the hell did you think you could do that? You don't even know him, you've only been here for two weeks! You're just a stranger, a spoiled kid leeching off him who can't ev—" The slapping noise echoes throughout the room. Sora brings her hand to her face and stares in shock at … Koushiro?

"Get a grip Sora. You saw too that Yamato wasn't himself lately, remember? You know that this has nothing to do with what Taichi said or did. Any one of us was bound to set him off sooner or later." Silence falls while Koushiro picks something in his pocket that he tosses in his mouth. "Relax. Yama just needs more time to get over whatever this is that's been bothering him." He turns around and starts walking toward his tent. "Oh and Sora." He says, stopping. "Don't take it out on Taichi just because he's getting closer to Yamato."

Koushiro leaves us with a heavy atmosphere. He could have dropped the last part, but I'm not imagining things, just now he defended me. I dare a peek at Sora. She's looking at the floor, her hair hiding her face. Should I say something? No, I'll just make things worse. She's worried about Yamato, I get it. I want to know too if he's alright and what's keeping him from coming back. It can't just be because of what I did, right? Jou sighs and places a hand on her shoulder, this time she doesn't react.

"Go sleep, there's nothing you can do. Yamato is Yamato, you know that more than any of us." He calmly says.

She walks away without looking at me. Jou gives me a apologetic smile and follows her. I look down at my feet. One sock is turned upside down, revealing a couple holes. I'm so sick and tired of this situation. I drag my freezing feet back in Yamato's tent.

* * *

I open my eyes and look the empty side of the bed, then raise my arm in front of my face. Almost seven in the morning, I guess I'll go eat breakfast. Outside of the tent there's no sign of Yamato. No one is at the center, good. I rekindle the fires, then grab a bag of instant noodles. Noodles again, I bet Yamato would be angry. I crouch to fill the kettle with water. Oh. The bottle is empty, I guess I'll eat some crackers then … Or I could go fill the bottle, like Sora showed me. But I just stay there, crouched and staring at the bottle. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't … Dammit! I can do at least this much! I take the bottle and walk out through the back door. The snow hasn't melted at all. I push the cart toward the deserted alley.

I crouch and ride the cart through the opening in the wire fence, then climb the slope and finally arrive at the apartment building. The faucet is on the back wall, near the corner with the much larger annexed apartment complex. I start filling the bottle. The running water instantly reminds me that I should have stopped at the sewer drain. Urg.

"Hey! You!"

A jolt running through my body, I turn toward the staircase where a man is coming down toward me. He looks furious. "Damn you hobos! This is a private property, you can't just come here and do whatever you want!" I step back from the faucet as he approaches. "You bums, you all think you can spend your time lazying around and then live off us hardworking citizens."

He cuts the water, grabs our cart and sends it rolling down the slope toward the fence. The shopping cart tips over, but the bottle falls off and keeps on rolling away. It's … Isn't it just water? The man stares at me with his grimacing face. I step away and my back hits the other building's brick wall.

"Damn, how old are you? Shouldn't you be at school?" He says, crossing his arms. He's standing only a couple feet away, blocking my way to the fence. "I bet you ran away from home. Kids these days." He takes a short step forward. "You don't care about all the troubles you're causing to your parents, do you? What is it? They gave you too many chores? You find school too hard? Or is it too boring?" He asks in a condescending tone.

I'm clenching my fists. Why do people think they can make others feel like shit just because they're having it better than them? It's like knowing isn't enough, they have to see the people already crawling at their feet suffer even more. What's the point, is it fun? It sure looked like it was in high school … This is why I chose to cut myself off from the world.

"Wait a second … You're a boy! What do you think you're doing, walking around wearing pink? Don't tell me that you're one of tho—" I dash toward the fence.

I'm so stupid. He easily grabs my sleeve and pulls me to a stop. "Hey! I'm not done with you!" I spin around and start kicking and struggling to free my arm. In my panic I somehow manage to hit his leg. The man groans and I fall on the ground, freed. "You little …" He begins, but I jump back up and make a run for the fence. "You tell your friends that the next time I see one of you here I'm calling the cops!" The man yells behind me as I reach the other side of the fence.

* * *

My legs get heavier, then finally give in and I fall on all four, out of breath. My chest hurts and my throat is burning. Suddenly I feel lightheaded and, instead of improving, breathing becomes even harder. Oh come on now, not this too! I curl down on the ground and start counting to four.

The panic attack finally passes, leaving me exhausted and in tears. I get up and go sit on the back porch of a small house. I hug my legs and bury my face in my knees. I hate these so much … I can't believe I just wet myself.

I feel like I've dozed off. I raise my head and look at the watch. Not really, it's just past eight, but it feels like I've been out here much longer. I probably should go back … I'll have to explain what happened. Sora's going to be even more angry at me. I've totally messed up again. Where are they going to get their water now? And I left the cart and the bottle over there. Dammit, they might even reconsider letting me stay here. That's right, it's their place and they have no obligation to put up with someone who turns up to be too troublesome. I'm no family or anything really, despite what Mimi said. I'm really just a useless brat leeching off them … What will I do if they kick me ou—

I look back, just now I'm sure I heard a small squeaking sound. I get up and walk to the house's wide open entrance. It seemed to come from inside the house … but inside is a mess. Daylight is shining through thanks to the wide holes that replaced the roof and upper floor. The ground floor, covered in debris and sprinkled with snow, seems to be barely holding up. Here and there it already has started to cave in. Judging by the state of this house, the sound I heard could have been anything. Still, I could swear it sounded like a … This time I hear it clearly, a tiny meow coming from somewhere in the room. A clear cry for help.

From here I can't see where the animal is. I stretch a leg inside, close to the wall, then slowly add more weight on it. The floor doesn't move or crack, this part might still be strong enough to support me. Slowly and carefully, I start walking along the wall on the left, the other side having planks and stuff blocking the way. I turn the corner and continue to advance while trying to locate where the feeble cries are coming from. Please don't stop before I find you. I walk past a collapsed dresser and my eyes catch the movement of a tiny black head under a chair covered in planks and other rubbish. Thank God the kitten is closer to this side, only a couple feet from this wall. The floor is caving in here, but there's a bump all the way to where the kitten is. That must mean that part of the floor is still being supported. Great!

I test what I assume is a beam under there by carefully stepping on it further and further. It's still strong enough. I walk up to the chair and crouch. The black kitty sees me and meows as he snuggles up to other balls of fur. None of the others are moving at all. I remove my coat, then scoop up and wrap the frail cub in it. So tiny and weak … I hope Jou knows what to do.

I get up carefully holding the coat in my arms, turn around and step forward. My right foot slides on the snow covered vinyl flooring and I lose my balance. I stare at the sky as I slowly fall back. I hit the floor, then there's cracking sounds around me and I start falling again.


	9. Taichi, captive

I instinctively grip the ledge with my right arm as my body sinks through the floor. My legs go dangling down the hole, but I stop falling. I'm holding up? My wrist hurts though. Suddenly something snaps and I start sinking again, ripping my sleeve as I vainly try to hold onto the floor. I disappear through the hole, then land and roll over a carpeted floor … That wasn't so bad. The carpet is disgusting though, musty and covered by a thick layer of dust. There's a weird smell too. I get up, but my weak limbs force me to sit back right away, fear is kicking in.

With trembling hands I check my coat I've been holding tight. The kitten is meowing frantically but she seems alright. I put her down and look around. I'm in a small room with two narrow windows up near the ceiling on one side and a closed door behind me. The only furniture is a filthy futon in the far off corner. The paint on the walls has almost completely peeled off. Bottles, wrappings, tied up plastic bags, there's junk everywhere. Someone must have squatted here years ago.

The shakiness in my legs finally settles. There's no point in staying in this crappy place any longer. I walk up to the closed door and open it. The knob turns fine and a crack appears, then the door hits something on the other side and stops. I push harder. I push using my shoulder. I kick the door a couple times … whatever is blocking it doesn't even budge. Dammit. I turn around and walk up to the windows. Both broke, leaving sharp glassy spikes around the frame. They're not that high, I could have jumped, gripped the ledge and pulled myself out … if there was a ledge. I look around again. There's nothing in the room to climb over either. So the door is stuck and the windows are not an option. Wait, that doesn't mean …

I try to somehow grip on the window frame without touching the shards. I run up and hit the door with my shoulder a couple times. Nothing works. I turn around and slide down to the floor. Even if I could get to the stairs, chances are those are unusable anyway. I look up. What would be great is if the dresser or something could fall down … Yeah right, I'll probably starve to death waiting for that to happen. No, I guess thirst will come first. Wind is whistling through the broken windows. Is it hypothermia or thirst … Well, without a coat it's pretty obvious.

I pull up a pan of my coat and am greeted with a tiny meow. I carefully pat the little head, then move the kitten to my lap where she fiercely protests. "I know, but I need my coat." I put it on, then slide down on my back and place her inside my clothes. "Here, this is much warmer, right?" We appear to have reached an agreement.

I suppose I could hope for the others to find me, but how long will it take for them to even notice that I'm gone? After what happened last night they might think it's perfectly normal that I avoid them and spend all day in the tent. And if they notice, they'll still have to figure that I didn't just leave and might need help before they even decide to look for me. Are they even up yet? I check the watch … It's gone. So that's what snapped up there. Dammit, sorry Jou. My skin under the ripped sleeve is covered in scratches. Seeing it seems to remind my brain to start processing the pain. Great.

"I think I screwed us up pretty badly." The kitten looks at me through my collar with wide eyes and meows. Yeah, she agrees. I chuckle. Looks like I can't escape my fate. Oh well, at least I'd beaten Dad's prediction … I know I'm too calm, I should be desperately trying to find a way out. Now should be the time to have a panic attack and piss myself. Maybe I just don't really feel in danger yet. I still have hours to wait before the situation starts to get bad. Plus being locked in a room isn't exactly a shut-in's worst nightmare. I guess I'll just wait and see what happens. I'll have plenty of time to break my shoulder trying to open that door later.

The kitten keeps wiggling around on my chest, trying to find a teat to feed on. "Sorry buddy, I can't feed you." She meows and continue her search. She's a real fighter … Unlike me.

I fall back and stare at the ceiling without really looking at it. No, it's not only because I don't feel in danger. Right now, being like this, somehow it … oddly seems familiar. When did I feel this way? Oh. Right, it's like that morning. I remember that I felt nothing, no fear or anger, nothing except a weird calmness as I finally couldn't gather the courage to get out of bed and go to school. I couldn't care less that there was only a couple months left until graduation, of the consequences it would have, or anything really. It was like my will had finally burned up the last bit of fuel it had left … so I just gave up.

… No wait, it's not like I'm already giving up on getting out of here. "Right Buddy? I have to get you out of here and feed you as soon as possible." Well, that's easier said than done … My back is starting to get cold, laying down on the floor isn't the greatest idea. I look at the futon across the room. It'll keep me warmer, but all the bacteria and stuff crawling on it might kill me even faster. From where I am, the bump formed by the blankets kind of looks like someone's slee—

No … Can't be … Oh god.

I slide my arms inside my coat, grab the kitten and get up. It's just a pile of sheets. It must be. I walk over and push the bump with my foot. Something under there cracks.

My back hits the wall. I … I need to get out of here, now. I stick the kitten in my pocket and grab a beer bottle on the floor. I jump and break what's left of the bottom part of the window. I can't reach all the way up though. I'll rip my coat but I couldn't care less, I'm leaving this place. I jump and grab the frame. Something sharp plants into my palm, but I hold on and start pulling myself up using my feet on the wall. My elbows bends but then my feet lose their grip. I kiss the wall and fall back on the floor.

"Dammit…" I jump back up. "Help! Somebody help! I'm stuck!" I yell at the window, raising my hands around my mouth. One of them is dripping blood. "Please, anybody! I can't get out! Help!"

I keep calling for help, but no matter how much I scream, only the wind answers me. My lip is bleeding too, a metallic taste spreads inside my mouth. I kick the wall and close my eyes. "Please … I don't want to die like that." I whisper. This is just too sad, lonely … Pitiful. That's not what I wanted. My forehead touches the the cold wall. There's no one out there.

* * *

"Taichi."

I open my eyes. That faint voice … I dreamed it. Light is still shining through the windows, how long have I slept? I can't tell, I might have just dozed off a second. I pull my collar, the kitten is snuggled up against me, still breathing. I check my hand, the bandage I made with my ripped sleeve is holding up and there's just a dull pain now. Nothing changed. For what it's worth, that's good I guess.

"Taichi, are you in there?"

I look up at the hole, then my brain registers. "Yamato!" I yell as I get up. I feel the kitten sliding down and grab her as she comes out of my coat. "Yamato! I'm stuck in the basement!" Oh god, can he hear me?

"What the hell?!" I've never been so glad to hear his angry voice.

"Oh! Don't come in the house! The floor is rotten, I fell through." I warn him.

"For Christ's sake … I KNOW THAT! It's so obvious, so why the fuck did you go in there?! Are you hurt?!"

"Not really … I heard a kitten. She was abandoned I think."

After a series of muffled swears Yamato's voice disappear, then there's a couple knocks on one of the windows. I turn and meet Yamato's glare. "Stop grinning! Seriously, I'm so mad at you right now." He says between his teeth. "Get away from the window!" He removes his jacket, rolls it around his hand and starts breaking what's left of the glass. His hand stops near my dried blood. "What's that?"

"I cut my palm trying to get out." I say, raising my bandaged hand. Yamato's sunken eyes narrow, but he doesn't say anything and finishes removing the glass. He puts his coat down over the frame and slides inside. His feet make a soft thump on the carpeted floor then, fists clenched, he walks straight to me. Is he going to hit me? Yamato grips my shoulders and roughly pulls me toward him. "Don't ever disappear like that again." He says, squeezing me so much it hurts.

"I could ask you the same thing." I point out.

"I know. I'm sorry." He says. "… For the things I said too." He adds, then breaks off and looks down at the kitten in my hands. "So this is what caused all this trouble?"

I nod. "How did you find me?"

"The water bottle and the cart were gone so we figured you went to fill it. After we found the cart left near the apartment we started to look for you … I say we, but it's Koushiro who deduced everything and even noticed the footprints in the snow leading to this house." Yamato explains, his index drawing circles on the kitten's head. He looks up at me, his eyes lost their anger. "You scared the hell out of me kid." He says, adjusting the toque on my head.

Yamato looks around the room, then walks up to the door. I swear if he manage to open it … His frustration seems to grow with each unsuccessful kick. He gives up after shoulder charging the door one last time. He looks up to the hole I made falling down and clicks his tongue. Then his eyes settles on the other side of the room and he frowns. He takes a step, but I block his way to the futon and firmly grip his arm.

"Don't. I think… under… a…" The words stop coming out of my dry throat, but Yamato seems to understand anyway.

"Did you look?" I shake my head. He pats my head, then walks to the futon. Oh god, I close my eyes and turn away.

"… It's just some trash Taichi." Yamato softly says after a couple seconds. I open my eyes and dare a glance, but he already released the blankets. "Let's get out of here." He pushes me toward the window where Jou and Sora are waiting. Jou takes the kitten I'm handing him with a weird smile. "Okay, I'll pull him up and you grab him." Yamato tells Sora. He crouches behind me and I instantly step away from him, remembering. "Tsk. What is it now?!"

"… I'll climb up myself." Oh god, this is embarrassing. Yamato growls, his eyes flaming. He won't accept no for an answer. "I … had an accident." I want to disappear. Yamato stares at me, then sighs and gets down on all four under the window.

"Hurry." He simply says.

With Sora's help, I finally crawl out of the basement and gladly breathe in the clean air. I barely get on my feet that I'm already wrapped in Sora's arms. "I told you not to go inside the buildings!" She scolds me. Over her shoulder I can see Koushiro leaned on the shopping cart in the alley. He waves a hand at me.

"I'm sorry … I messed up, a man saw me and he-he yelled not to come get water there anymore." I say.

"No it's my fault, I didn't warn you about the assholes living there. Usually we wait until most of them have left for work." She explains, releasing me. Oh, that makes sense.

"Did that jerk do anything to you?"

I turn toward Yamato who's finishing to brush the shards off his leather jacket. I shake my head, there's no point angering him by telling him. Until now Yamato hasn't, but I wonder … can he become violent? He puts on his jacket and turns to Jou who's examining the cat. "So, is there any chance it will survive?" He bluntly asks.

Jou sighs. "I think, but we need to feed him soon." He looks at his wrist, then at me. "What time is it?" He asks. Dammit.

"Must be somewhere around one I think." Yamato replies for me.

"Jou … sorry. I lost your watch when I fell." I say, staring at my feet.

"Oh. It's fine, don't worry about it." Jou simply says and walks away with the kitten.

I look at the house. If I walk exactly where I did the first time, then I shou— Yamato grabs my shoulders and starts pushing me toward the street. "Don't you freaking dare kid."

* * *

"… also their immune system is weak so everything from the food to the bottles has to be properly sterilized every time they're fed, which is every two or three hours for a kitten only one or two weeks old by the way." Jou pours some boiling water in a bowl and drops an eye dropper in it. "At that age they also can't regulate their body temperature so they need to be kept warm at all time which, considering our situation, isn't the easiest thing to do." He mixes some stuff in a cup. "He absolutely has to be fed with a proper formula for kitten soon. What I'm making will only hydrate and give him some energy. I can't prepare anything else with the food we have here. Egg yolks would sustain him better, but I don't want to risk getting him sick." Huh. He's talking about those same eggs they've been trying to feed me with. Noted. "Cow milk won't do either, not only is it not nutritious, cats are intolerant to it. Kittens have very specific nutritional needs that not met will affect their growth and their health which will most likely lead to—"

"Okay, enough Jou! He gets it, we get it, you don't need to lecture us anymore." Yamato growls, coming back from the tent after his turn switching clothes. He walks over to the grill and plunges a spoon in the fuming saucepan.

The kitten is crying on my lap, carefully wrapped in a towel over a hot water bottle. She must be starving. Between taking care of my wounds and the kitten, Jou has been really busy since we came back. I look at my neatly bandaged arm and hand, while he treated me I got a full lecture on how lucky I was that I didn't end up injured when I fell. Jou listed all the bones I could have broken and insisted on how I would likely be dead right now if I had hit my head or my spine. Listening to him, it almost sounds like I fell down a rift.

"Is the cat warming up?" Jou asks. I look up and catch him looking at me. "He won't be able to eat if he's not warm enough." I slide a couple fingers inside the towel and nod.

"Here." Yamato hands me a bowl of rice topped with canned chicken curry sauce. I know because he showed me the can. I thank him and blow on the food.

"Now we have two kittens that need to be feed." Koushiro says beside me. I ignore him and start eating. "… and who apparently also need to be potty-tr—" Koushiro's words gets stuck in his throat as Yamato grabs him by his shirt and pulls him up from the couch.

"We need to have a little conversation, now." Yamato says with contained anger, pushing the other toward the front door. Koushiro obeys and they disappear outside. So he's back at being a jerk.

"Jeez, what's with him lately?" Sora says, arms crossed. She walks over and sits on the couch. Now that Yamato is back she seems to have forgotten about last night. "He was such a sweet nerdy boy when we were kids, a little clumsy but very serious and polite." I just can't picture him that way. Is she remembering the right guy?

"Ahem-drugs-ahem." Jou's fake coughing earns him a stern glare from Sora.

"So you two already knew each other." I say, playing with my food.

"Yeah, we were in the same elementary school and soccer club, but after that we lost touch. We only met again this summer, that's when I brought him here. To be honest I didn't even recognize him at first. Ten years is a long time." Her gaze drifts off for a moment. "But I don't think he's a bad person, even with his awful sense of humor. Believe it or not, he's actually quite reliable. He's the one who figured where you were, that means he was seriously looking for you." She points out with a smile. I guess she's right.

Jou comes over with the cup and the dropper and sits in the middle of the now cramped couch. He places the kitten on his laps, then fills the dropper and starts feeding her. No one talks for a while, we just watch the cute little furry baby eat. When she seems fed, Jou pats her back for a moment, then gently massage her rear.

"Why are you doing that?" I ask.

"That young they don't relieve themselves on their own unless the mother licks them around there." He glances at me and smiles. "Sorry. I guess it's not the best conversation to have while you're eating." I look down at the bowl in my hands. Oh, right.

"You know a lot … Are you a doctor?" I ask.

Jou chuckles. "No, I just grew up in a family of doctors." He places the kitten back on my lap. "I don't have what it takes to be one." Huh, that's strange, I thought he'd be perfect.

Yamato and Koushiro are coming back toward us, the redheaded looking totally unfazed with his arms up behind his head. Yamato on the other hand looks even more irritated. They stop in front of the barrels and I lock eyes with Koushiro. "Sorry about what I said earlier Taichi." He says.

Surprisingly it sounded sincere, the fact that he used my name must have helped. There's a moment of silence. Am I supposed to say something?! I look down at the kitten.

Jou sighs and gets up. "It's your turn now." He says as he walks over to Yamato. He pulls up his shirt, revealing a big awful looking bruise.

"Tsk, I've been checked already, I'm fine." Yamato protests, but he still lets Jou examine him.

"You never answered me. Why didn't you come back last night after your discharge?" Sora asks with more than a hint of reproach in her voice. "You didn't care that you were worrying us at all?"

"I asked Jun not to tell you." Yamato says, causing Sora to snort.

"Of course she was going to tell me that you were mugged!"

"What else did she tell you?" He asks, staring her in the eyes.

"Why, something else happened?" She replies, staring right back. Yamato's jaw clenches. "Answer me, why didn't you come back last night?" The two seem to be duelling with their gaze.

Koushiro chuckles. "I told you he wasn't done sulking about his fight wi—"

"THAT'S NONE OF Y— Tsk … What happened then has nothing to do with it." Yamato says, glancing at me. "I had to take care of something, that's all." Could he be any more vague? It's obvious that he doesn't want to tell us, but now I just want to know even more.

"In the middle of the night?" Sora isn't giving up.

"SH— Mind your own business! I know it was a shitty move to disappear like that, I'm sorry, but I'm here now. It's over so drop it already! Jou, you said the cat needed special food quick. I'll go buy it."

I hear Sora's exasperated sigh beside me. I don't dare to look at her, I can feel the frustration radiating from the other side of the couch.

Jou lets go of Yamato's shirt. "No, I'll go to the clinic myself. I want to ask a couple questions … I'll need money though."

Yamato grabs his wallet and pull out a couple bills. Jou counts the cash. "Don't tell me it'll cost you more than that." Yamato growls. Crap, I didn't even consider how much it would cost to take care of the kitten.

"… No, it'll be enough for the food." Jou ends up saying after some hesitation.

"If we bring her to the clinic or to a shelter, wouldn't they agree to take her?" I propose. Everyone turns to look at me. "I mean … I know taking care of her is troublesome. I'm not … It's fine with me if you guys don't want to keep her." Didn't it cross their minds?

Yamato sighs. "They'll probably just put it down, the cat is better off staying with us. Here, and don't tell me you don't have enough now." Jou's face illuminates as he takes another couple bills.

"Yamato, are you still good for the money?" Sora asks. "How much did they steal from you?"

"I'm fine, I didn't have much on me." Yamato says.

"Right, I didn't think you were stupid enough to carry all your money on you." She says.

"Yeah. Are you planning on finishing eating today?" Yamato says, frowning at the bowl still full of curry beside me. Oh, right. I pick it up and start eating.

* * *

Yamato yawns, causing the kitten and my head to move up and down. "Seriously, do you two have to be on me? I came here to sleep."

"You're warm." I say, slightly raising my head to meet Yamato's annoyed look. "And Jou said hearing someone's heartbeat will reassure her."

"Jou also said he's pretty sure it's a male." Yamato snarls back. "And what's your excuse?" He adds.

I ignore him and rest my head back on his belly. "We should name her."

"Kitty's fine." He sighs.

"That's so unoriginal." And would be somewhat confusing. "Have you ever had a pet before?" I ask.

"You mean other than you?" I pinch his side, realizing my mistake too late. "Ouch!" Yamato get up on his elbows and gives me a well deserved glare. The cat meows, clearly unhappy that her bed is moving.

"Sorry!" I hurry to apologize. His gaze softens.

"You name _him_ then." He says and plops back on his pillow.

" _She_ should have a name that reflects how she's a survivor and a fighter." I watch her forcefully kneading Yamato's chest. "Let's see … Oh, that's easy, Gojira!" My pillow starts shaking. "No, it's perfect!" I sit and hold the kitten close to his face. "She's just as strong and ferocious." To prove my point, Gojira growls adorably.

"I don't know, I haven't seen the movies." Yamato points out. "Watching monster movies nowadays feels kind of weird." He takes the kitten from my hands and starts brushing her black fur, then finally raises an eyebrow at my shocked expression. "What? Let me guess, you saw all the movies a million times."

"Well, yeah! There wasn't much else to do in my room, especially after three years." I say. Yamato's hands freeze and he looks at me fixedly. What's with him all of a sudden?

"Three years?" He asks. Oh crap. Dammit. "That's a long time, especially at your age." He says softly, looking at me with nothing but warmth in his eyes. That's a relief, I was afraid he'd judge me if he knew.

"Yeah. And it felt like an eternity too." I lie down on my side beside him and watch him rub Gojira's neck, feeling a tinge of jealousy.

"… About what I said the other night." Yamato pauses a moment. "It's not that … I'm just worried, you know? Like you are for me."

"I know, and I'm sorry too." I'm glad this is over, but I might as well let it out now. "You said that I looked like I gave up, but that's not true … at least not anymore. It's just that I don't know where to start to be the person that I was again."

"That's because you can't be that person anymore." Yamato's words sting me. "You can't go back in time or act like the past never happened." Wait, stop. That's not what I wanted to hear at all. I don't want to be stuck like this. "When you say you want to be who you were, what is it exactly that you want?" He asks. Well that's easy … But my mind draws a blank. I want to be the kid I was, that's all I can think of. I close my eyes.

I'm on a soccer field, laughing. I'm tired and sweating, but I couldn't feel better. Friends are around me, talking and making jokes. They don't have faces anymore, but I remember them being nice and fun. I'm looking forward to go home, and the next day to come back to school. We're exited about something. What was it? The sun has started to set, shining a deeper orange. I smell summer. The girl standing beside me hopes that we'll be grouped together. I want that too, but I'm also hoping to meet new people. Why am I remembering this moment so vividly? It's nice, but nothing special is happening. We're just talking together after practicing like we always did and will do ag— Oh. I look down at the green grass darkening under everyone's growing shadows. The boy in front mentions that his parents don't want him to bring it to the summer camp. I understand. This was the last time. The warmth and the laughs disappear and I'm back in the basement. I push the bump on the futon and something cracks under my foot.

A spasm runs through my whole body. I gasp and jerk my eyes open. Yamato jumps too. "What the—"

"What was on the futon? Was it really just trash? Because the way it cracked, it … really sounded like …"

Yamato fixes me with his blue eyes. "I swear Taichi, there wasn't anything else but trash." I take a deep breath. "I thought you fell asleep." He points out.

"I was thinking about what you asked." I say. Yamato looks surprised, but he doesn't say anything and waits for me to talk. "… I don't know what to say. I want everything to be the same again. I want to laugh with friends. I want to be fun. I want to be strong. I want to play soc—" No, not that. "I want to feel good about myself. I want life to be bright. I don't want to die alone on a dirty futon."

"You can still have all that." Yamato says.

"How?" I ask. Yamato stays silent for a moment, then clicks his tongue in frustration.

"You tell me when you find out. You're asking someone who's been living like a bum for two years for life advice. You realize that, right? I'm not exactly a reference, I'm struggling with my fair share of bad decisions too. The only thing I'm sure of is that you can't move forward if you keep looking behind." Yamato glances at me. "And I'm not a model for that either." He sighs and brings the kitten in front of his face. "I might not know what kind of person you were before, but to me the way you are now isn't all that bad. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten along so well with the old you." He says, then brings Gojira closer and kisses her forehead. I plant my chin on his shoulder and Yamato understands. I receive a peck too. That's right, life's already brighter with Yamato around. I should focus on that.

* * *

Arms wrapped around my legs, I watch Jou bottle feed _Kuro_ on the other side of the couch. What's wrong with these people? Gojira was unanimously rejected. _He's black so we'll name him Kuro_. Urg. So lame! Not cute at all. Air noisily escapes my nose and Jou's lips curve into a smile.

"Sorry again about the name Taichi." He says. Yeah, right. You're the one who insisted for her to be named Kuro.

He puts away the bottle that he bought with the extra money and do the same patting he did earlier. I guess next will be the butt rubbing. He asked if I wanted to learn how to feed her, but I refused right away. This is too … She's so tiny! But it's not just that, I also did because of the light in Jou's eyes. I might have rescued her, but he clearly adopted her. In a way, it's normal that he gets to name her, or him.

"So you're going to keep feeding him like that every couple hours?"

"For a while, yes. Eventually he'll need feeding less often and hopefully in a couple weeks he'll be ready for the weaning process. Kittens eat a lot, but they also grow up really fast. He'll be a grown cat in no time."

"That's fine. We'll still continue to take care of her-him." I say. A yawn escapes my mouth. It's not that late, but a lot happened I guess. Yamato is sleeping and Sora and Koushiro are gone too. Kuro is already sleeping on the hot bottle. Only Jou still seems full of energy. Speaking of, he's staring at me. What is it?

After a moment he smiles. "I know we all scolded you, but we also think what you did was really brave." Blood rushes to my face. He stands up, carefully holding the kitten. "Good night Taichi." I smile back and watch him leave.

The grin on my face doesn't want to go away, I have to slap my cheeks. I might as well get ready to sleep too. I get up and head toward the back.

I push the back door and immediately notice a shadow on my left. My body freezes holding the door open, then I realize it's just Koushiro. He's crouched against the wall not that far, but he doesn't seem to have noticed the door opening. He's staring at the ground in front of him, scratching his arm and mumbling to himself.

The same unsettling feeling comes back along with the memory of my welcoming party. How did I forget about that? Anyway, I should ignore it and get back inside. Just as I'm about to close the door, Koushiro seems to snap back to reality and looks in my direction.

"Hey Kitty. You need something?" He asks naturally, but he's avoiding to make eye contact.

"Hum…" I look at the sewer drain. He laughs and gets up while holding the wall.

"Okay. I'm going inside. Unless you need me to …" He stops. "Ah, I almost slipped there." He says with a forced smile. He walks up to me and I make way, holding the door. He steps in and stops, his back facing me. "Don't mention anything to Yamato, he might get the wrong idea." Oh, would he? Koushiro turns his head and his left eye pierces me. "I'll know if you do and I might retaliate by mentioning something too. Good night Kitty." He says lightly, then walks away while holding his arm.

Is he trying to scare me by threatening to spread some rumors? Sorry, but there's nothing I haven't already heard being said about me. Whatever, I wasn't planning on middling with his life anyway … Even if without him I might still be down there right now.

A shiver runs through my spine. I let go of the door and hurry to do my business, then go back in the tent for the night.

* * *

I open my eyes, but I might as well keep them closed, it's so dark in here that I can't even see the blue tarp over us. Why am I wide awake all of a sudden? There's kind of a feeling of necessity, as if warning me that something is going on. But I don't hear anything unusual, not a sound. I can feel Yamato beside me, maybe he just moved and that's why I wok— Oh. Yamato's usual slow deep breathing isn't covering the silence and instead … It's very faint, almost unnoticeable, but air is coming in and out of his lungs shakily.

I listen, making sure I don't move or make a sound. He must think I'm sleeping, otherwise he wouldn't be crying. I bit my bottom lip. Even so, to do this here with me, that means he really needed to let it out. What happened? Yamato looks so strong all the time, just how much does he keep bottled up inside? I understand Sora, not knowing is frustrating. A slightly louder sob escapes Yamato's mouth and he curls a little, moving up his hand.

My eyes start to burn. This is just too … Yamato comforted me every time I cried in front of him. He always seems to know when I'm down and does something about it, even if it's just a pat on the head. When he washed my back too, he knew I needed it. He knows because he feels the same, I'm sure of it now.

I turn over and wrap my arm around Yamato. The faint sounds coming from him stop right away, he doesn't move or say anything. I kind of expected that, but that's okay. He probably won't talk even if I ask. I lean my head against his back and close my eyes. Whatever this is about, I'm sure not feeling alone will make it at least a little bit better.


	10. Mimi, swindler

Monday, December 19th.

* * *

The sun has started to set behind the Tokyo Tower, giving the sky this amazing shading from cerulean to vermilion. Way down below the streets are now buzzing with car lights, the whole city is lighting up for another round of exiting nightlife. Even after a week this view still takes my breath away. Jeez, what kind of high school student gets to live in such an awesome loft?! I turn my back to the window. The studious kind who doesn't give a damn about all that. The guy is still glued in front of his three computer screens, typing and clicking and typing some more. He did mention that the private high school he's enrolled in is renowned for its computer science curriculum. I bet he didn't even need Daddy's money to get in. Good for him.

"Ken, are you done yet? I'm bored, let's go out." I say and watch him have no reaction whatsoever. I sneak up on him and lace my arms around his shoulders. His body jerks.

"M-Mimi?"

"You know I don't like to be ignored sweetie." I whisper into his ear and watch his pale skin instantly blush.

"Sorry … You said something?"

"Yeah, are you done soon? I want to go out." I say and land a kiss on his neck.

"Almost, could you wait another hour? Sorry, it's just … This assignment is due tomorrow and the program still doesn't execute prop—" My mouth moves up, kissing his jaw line, then I gently bite his ear. "Please?" He begs with his cute flustered voice.

"Sure, I guess I can wait another hour, mister genius." I say as I release him.

"I'm not a genius, my brother is." He mumbles, leaning back over his keyboard. Eh, classic younger brother complex.

I take a stroll around the room. The shelves are all filled with books except for one full of soccer trophies collecting dust, the boy's entire life is most likely summed up right there. Apparently only a single photo deserved the honor of being put on display, I pick it up. It's the traditional family portrait with the folks standing behind the eldest, old man's hand proudly resting on his shoulder while Ken is standing on the side. Typical. I take a good look at the graying man. One of the real estate scumbags who used the crisis to build their fortune, callously profiting other people's misfortune. The wooden frame makes a small cracking sound. I take a deep breath and soften my grip.

"So this is your genius brother. He's my age, huh. Mmm, yeah. Say, are you going to introduce us soon?" I look up in time to catch his quick troubled glance in my direction. His issue seems to be running deep. "Just kidding. You're way cuter and I can tell that you're a hundred time nicer. Who would want to go out with a know-it-all anyway. I have a friend like that and he can be such a pain in the ass sometimes." I don't even need to lie, Ken is every con artist's wet dream.

"My brother isn't that bad …" Ken seems to want to add something, but changes his mind. "You two will probably get along just fine." Are you already giving me up to your brother? Jeez, that's too kind of you.

"Oh, does that mean I'll meet your family?"

The boy's hands stop typing. He turns his chair and faces me with a shy smile. "Well … my parents are hosting a Christmas party this Thursday and they asked me to be there. I don't really like going back home so I was planning on not going, but finding excuses is getting hard, my mother might start worrying about my health if I keep being sick." Ken lets out a nervous laugh. "That's why I was thinking … if you accompany me it wouldn't be so bad, it could even be fun. But I don't promise you anything, the guests will be mostly my father's business relations so expect a lot of boring money talk."

Bingo. "I'd love to! So, is it the kind of party that calls for leopard thighs or a chic little dress?" I ask and smile at Ken's lighthearted giggle.

"Definitely the dress. If you don't have one I'll buy it for you." He says.

"That'd be so sweet of you. I packed the leopard thighs but completely forgot to bring a nice dress. I don't know what I was thinking, I guess I was just too exited to be visiting Japan after so many years. Anyway, I'll go choose your outfit for tonight's night out while you finish up your work."

"Okay, but you know I have school tomorrow, right?" Jeez, how old are you, thirty? I flash him a smile and walk to his wardrobe.

No matter how many times I look through his clothes, the boy's total lack of fashion sense continues to amaze me. I run my hand through the depressing muddy cascade polluted with awful sweaters and lots and lots of turtlenecks. Oh god I wanna puke. That's it, tomorrow after school I'm dragging him to the malls for a makeover. He'll thank me later, or at least he'll hate me a little less. I pull out a white shirt, a plain gray pullover and some relatively thigh pants. He won't have a problem getting in the clubs, that's for sure.

The clothes chosen, I let my body drop on the couch and turn on the seventy inch TV. I zap some channels and watch the end of the weather forecast. Good, the guys won't have it too hard this week. I zap some more.

"…found this morning had the same marks on the skin." The reporter is standing in front of a park closed off by yellow stripes. "An autopsy has been requested, but we can already safely assume that this is the fifteenth case the Tokyo police department is facing this year, the sixth only during the past two months. Still, chief investigator Sakamoto is reminding the population that there isn't any reason to be alarmed, the cause of these deaths is most likely related to…" Aaaand zap again.

"…return with two specials guests! None other than the singer and the the guitarist of… You guessed it, The New Wolfgang! They will talk about their Christmas concert coming up this Saturday! But that's not all!" The glittering, over exited show host approaches the camera. "Be ready for a very special announcement!" Oh, this might be interesting. Which one is his Takashi again? I hope it's the guitarist.

After a bunch of advertisements, the jingle for the Odaiba talk show finally plays, then the host appears along with two good looking guys. The long haired one seems a bit arrogant, but the other one … Wow, he has to be Takashi. I remember that night, way back when it was still just him and us girls, a very drunk Yamato got surprisingly talkative and wouldn't shut up about how _gaaargeous_ the guy was.

The host introduces his guests, yup! Yoshioka Takashi, Yamato's first looove. Sora really needs to step up her game if she wants … Why did I think that? The last thing I want is for her to repeat the same mistake all over again. Not that I don't like Yama, but even he must realizes that he's not boyfriend material. At least not the way he is now. I grab the remote and bring up the volume.

Of course the host is all over the singer, that Ren asshole. Sorry dude, but friends have to stick together. They talk about the show, how happy they are to be home. Blah blah. Then, finally! The host switches to Takashi for the special announcement.

"We wanted to give our longtime fans here in our hometown a very special Christmas present. That's why this Saturday you'll be the very first to hear us play some of the songs for our new album coming up next spring." Meh. Of course it's a new album, what else could it have been? "We're very exited about this _new_ album. I'm saying new because it will be for most of the fans, but for us not exactly. This album is a return to the root of our passion for music. The songs are very special to us, because we wrote them a couple years ago, back when we started under a different name." … Eh?

Takashi continues to talk about their past as a local band. He's clearly talking about the band Yamato was a part of, but he's making it sound like there never was a different singer. He's clever. He's not lying, he's just wording his story so that most people will assume _we_ is the whole band. I suppose only a handful of longtime die-hard fans still know about Yamato, but I doubt even them know that by _we wrote_ , Takashi means Yamato wrote.

"This Saturday, we will reveal the true power of The New Wolfgang's music." Takashi says with a proud smile. I turn off the TV. Can they even do this? Doesn't Yamato have rights over these songs? Oh god, what if he learns about it? He'll be crushed for sure. Will the others be able to notice? Jeez, I wish I could go back soon.

Ken sighs loud enough for me to hear him from the other side of the room. Poor guy, having a hard time, huh? I get up, time to work.

"The program still isn't working?" I ask, walking up to him. Two screens have been shut and Ken is now browsing the Internet.

"No. I must have messed up the code somewhere." He types something and some sort of blog appears. "I'm done trying to fix it though. I'll ask for an extension tomorrow." He sighs again. "Like they'll give me one." He says, scrolling down the page.

"What are you looking for?" I ask.

"Nothing. I'm just trying to get my mind off that stupid assignment." He says. I lean closer to the screen, the entries are all about ten years ago.

"The attacks?"

"Yeah. It's amazing how little we know about those creatures even after ten years, don't you think?"

"There's nothing amazing about these monsters." I let out and Ken glances at me. Fuck, I slipped. I force my lips to curl up. "They destroyed my favorite mall _while_ I was on a shopping spree for my summer camp."

Ken's mouth falls. "Did you get hurt?"

"No, but it was close. The store I had just left was the first one to explode."

"Oh, you mean the DiverCity Tokyo Plaza? You were still living in Japan back then?"

"Yup! Me and my parents moved to America the year after." At least that was the plan. When you lie always stick closest to the truth … even if it hurts. "What about you? Were you attacked?"

"No. We were out of the city, visiting relatives in a village I suppose was too small for them to waste their time attacking. We were supposed to come back that day, but our holiday instead got extended." Ken shuts down his computer. "Anyway. I'll go get ready for tonight."

He starts getting up, but my hands on his shoulders push him back down. "You're tired, let's stay here." I say, giving him a massage. He moans as my thumbs draw circles on his neck.

"But you said…" My arms slide down his chest.

"Staying here, just the two of us, can be fun too." I whisper into his ear.

* * *

"Are you sure you have enough money?" Ken asks me, ready to pull out his wallet. Students are glancing in our direction as they walk through the gate. I wave my hair to help him score a couple more popularity points.

"I'll be fine. I feel so bad for making you support me. I swear I'm paying you back as soon as this mess is sorted out." I say, pulling a strand of my hair off his school uniform. "But every time I ask how long it will take, the people at the embassy always give me the same answer. They don't know, it could take weeks just to receive one document. This is a nightmare, I honestly don't know what I would have done if I hadn't met you. To think that this is the country I was born in, yet I don't know a single person here anymore."

"Don't worry about it. I'm glad to be able to help." He says, his voice overflowing with affection.

"Thank you so much Ken." I get up on my toes and kiss his cheek. "I'll meet you here after school and we'll go shopping, okay?" Ken agrees and takes off after wishing me a good day.

I watch him walk away. After I fake to have my lost passport and cards sorted out, I'll simply _fly_ back to America and _forget_ my promise to reimburse him. I won't have stolen enough for him to really care, and it's not like I'm stealing _his_ money, so no harm's done. At least that's what I thought, but I didn't expect Ken to be such a … Jeez, it's too late to turn back now. Oh well, at least he'll come out of this more popular, fashionable, and experienced. Plus I'm providing him with a very important life lesson that otherwise he could have learned a much harder way. Yeah, right. I'm just trying to ease my mind. Swindling scums is one thing, but this … I'm about to crush his sweet, innocent trust in humanity. It's sickening. I turn around and head for the subway station.

* * *

"… She didn't seem hurt but, just to be safe, we sent her to the hospital where she was thoroughly examined. The hospital cost and other fees have been added to this month's bill." The nurse slides a piece of paper in front of me on the desk. I stare at the new total at the bottom. "Is everything all right Honey?"

I look up to the lady in front of me. I could request to see the hospital bill, I'm sure there isn't any. These people can invent any excuse they want to extort more money from me, they know she can't tell me anything. I flash her with my brightest smile. "No problem! I'm so glad my mother is in such good care." They're holding me by the throat and they know it. I bet they've been laughing their heads off ever since grandma died and I had to take over.

I thank the bitch again and walk down the corridor toward Mom's room. I'll manage, somehow. As long as I keep my mouth shut they'll at least continue to take good care of her. What else can I do? She can't live out there with me, even if I had an apartment. She needs daily care and can't be left by herself. I push the door and enter the small, but clean and brightly lit bedroom.

"Good morning Mom." She's sitting by the window, her long curly hair tied back with a white ribbon matching her white dress. She turns to me with a gentle smile, her pretty face disfigured by the large scar running through it.

"Oh! Hello." She watches me with curiosity as I come in and sit in front of her on the bed.

"How are you feeling today?" I ask.

"Good, I'm very exited. Keisuke is bringing me to the park. The sakura trees are in full bloom."

"He's such a romantic." I say. Mom laughs.

"Oh, but I hope he'll like the cake I made. I've added a lot of spinach and car… no olives and rice… and…" Mom's gaze drifts down to her hands, then outside. "Keisuke is coming to visit me today, for my birthday. He said he'll bring me flowers and a cake."

"Happy birthday Mom."

"Thank you! Have you met Keisuke? He's a nice boy I think."

"Yes Mom. He's the real prince charming. Dad would give his life to protect you." Mom's gaze grows uncertain again. She flattens her white dress over her legs.

"Oh, I'm so nervous. What if Keisuke changes his mind and doesn't come?"

"Don't worry Mom, Dad loves you more than anything in the world." Mom giggles. She's doing great today. I'm glad.

"Is something wrong sweetie?" She asks, looking at me… _Really_ looking at me. I open my mouth, but her gaze is already drifting away.

"Keisuke is working so hard everyday. I wonder if there's something I could do for him. Oh! I know, I'll make a cake for diner. Do you think he'll like that?"

I clench my fists and smile. "Yes Mom, Dad loves your cakes." It's fine, I'm not the little brat that I was anymore. I'm twenty now.

* * *

"I think being an angel would suit you better." Ken says from behind, making me jump and drop the reindeer antlers headband. "Here." He places the aureole held by a stick on my head. "Yes, definitely an angel." He says, stepping back.

"Are you sure? Maybe I'm a fallen angel." I remove the headband and put on the flashing devil horns. Why are these even with the Christmas accessories? Ken tilts his head.

"No, I can't imagine you being able to be mean." He says, painfully sincere. "Which one am I?"

"That's easy." I pick the gingerbread men head bopper. "You're so sweet that you'll end up eaten." I say seriously, making him laugh. He pushes one of the cookies and watches it swing back and forth.

"My mother baked these once when I was three, complete with clothes and cute smiling faces. When she placed a plate full of them in front of us, Sam picked the first one on top and without a second thought chew its head off. I started to cry and threw myself on the table to protect the gingerbread men. They tried to reason with me, but Mom finally gave in and baked another batch of round, non-human cookies."

"What happened to the cookies you saved?"

"The poor guys spent years frozen until my father threw them away, figuring that I was old enough to understand." Ken takes the headband from my hands and puts it on. "You'll think that I'm crazy, but I kind of feel bad about what I did. If I'm a gingerbread man, I think I'd prefer to live fully as a cookie and get eaten."

* * *

Thursday, December 22nd.

* * *

Ken takes my hand and helps me get out of the taxi. I can't help but stare in awe at the mansion in front of us.

"You're beautiful." He says. I detach my eyes from the house and smile.

"You're quite handsome yourself, and I'm not just saying that because I chose your suit." I adjust his tie. "Purple looks good on you."

"Hm… I still feel it's too flashy for a guy like me."

"Not at all. It looks even better on a _guy like you_." I say with a wink. "So, was this dress a good investment or what?" I do a twirl, flaring out the skirt of my pink dress trimmed with a black ribbon tied around the waist.

"Perfect." Ken says with a dreamy smile. He approaches and starts kissing me, but then breaks off rather abruptly. I hold in a giggle, he probably realized that we're in front of his parents' home. "You must be cold, let's go inside." He takes my hand and I follow him to the entrance.

We've barely walked through the door that his mother is already rushing to us. She jumps on her _dear Kenny_ and gives the embarrassed boy pecks on both cheeks. His father joins us and briefly shakes his son's hand. I watch Ken equally struggle to handle each of them. He reminds me of Taichi a little bit. I hope the kid is doing alright. I'm presented and receive a very, let's just say, _polite_ greeting. Figures. To them I'm just a random girl their boy barely knows. I plaster a smile on my face and follow Ken to the crowded reception room where we're quickly presented before the couple leaves us to attend their guests.

"So … Here we are." Ken says with the look of a fish in the middle of a desert wondering why the heck they thought coming there was a good idea. I grab two champagne flutes from some waiter passing by and give one to Ken.

"How about you show me around?" I propose. With a grateful smile, Ken takes my hand and lead me toward the hallway.

"Oh, brother! I almost didn't recognize you." We stop and turn around. Sam excuses himself from a group of people and joins us. "Since when did you stop having no fashion taste?" He says, looking his brother up and down approvingly.

"Come on, I'm not that bad." Ken tries and I share an amused glance with the older brother. "Okay, forget it. Mimi refused to let me wear my suit and forced me to buy this one instead. Mimi, my brother Sam."

"So it's you, the pretty damsel in distress my brother rescued a week ago. Nice to meet you Mimi." Sam says, his eyes studying me with interest. I give him my best smile that he returns before turning his attention back to Ken. "You might want to stay away from Mom tonight. The Kurosaki are coming with their daughter."

"She wouldn't …" Ken glances at me.

"Oh, believe me, she will. It has nothing to do with you Mimi, our mother just has this fixation on controlling my younger brother's entire life." Sam explains.

"Is that so? How did you manage to convince her to let you move away?" I ask. Ken giggles.

"Well, to tell you the truth, I didn't. I kind of ran away." The brothers share a knowing smile. "When I started high school, Sam helped me organize my escape to where I live now." So that's what rich kids call running away…

"Kenny, dear!" Both guys jump. Ken steps back, but it's too late, Ms Ichijouji grip his arm and drags her protesting son away while giving me some generic excuse and urging Sam to take care of me. In other words, she wants him to keep me away. I take a sip of champagne.

"Sorry about that, I'll go free him in a moment." Sam says.

"You two seem close." I point out. It's surprising, considering Ken's obvious inferiority complex.

"He's my younger brother, I feel very protective of him." He says, his gaze fixed on me. He brings his flute to his mouth and drinks some champagne. It might be just me, but their mother does not seem to be the only one wishing to control Ken's life. "Is the issue with your lost passport going to be cleared soon?"

"I hope so." I say with a smile that he returns right away.

* * *

I put on some lipstick, then step back from the mirror, adjusting the ribbon on my waist. I look down at the sparkling new shoes Ken bought for me along with the dress. With these and the rest of the stuff and money I'm collecting, soon I'll be able to cover Mom's bills for a few months.

I leave the restroom and start wandering around. If I stumble upon an employee I'll just fake being lost. I stop in front of a room where a group of men are discussing real estate stuff, standing around a desk and looking at, is it a map? Ken's father is with them, talking about a new mall. Another man spots me standing in the doorway. Crap, if I leave now I'll look suspicious. I walk in.

"A new mall?" I ask, casually strolling toward the group of men.

"Oh, you're the young lady accompanying my son. Are you lost?" Mr Ichijouji asks. He didn't even try to learn my name.

"I'm looking for the ladies' room. Are you building a new mall? I love malls!" The men laugh and let me approach the desk. Yup, it's a detailed map of the city.

"More than just a mall, we're developing a new shopping district." Ken's father places his finger on the map, crushing Yamato and the others. "Funding is finally going to be allocated to the restoration of that part of the city." He casually drops the bomb on me.

"When are you beginning?" I ask, my eyes glued to the wrinkled finger.

"As soon as possible. It's more than time that those disgraceful ruins disappear." What the fuck does as soon as possible means? A year from now? Months? Days? Come on, be more precise!

"Oh, but I heard there's people living there. What are you going to do about it?"

"People?" The man chuckles. "I wouldn't call these bums _people_. Personally I don't see a problem tearing down the buildings with them inside." The others laugh in agreement. My curved lips start to hurt. "Don't worry young lady, strict procedures will be followed to safely expel all the squatters on the day the demolition begins."

"And when are you planning to begin the demolition?" I ask. The man stares at me, hesitating. Dammit. "It's so exiting, I just can't wait!"

"No date has been fixed yet. You said you were looking for the restroom, right? It's the first door down the hall on your left."

I thank the scum and walk out of there. Shit. I need to know when they're sending the bulldozers before I warn everyone. The project hasn't been publicly announced yet, we might still have a lot of time left before … I stop and fall back against the wall of the deserted hallway. This can't be happening. That place is home, where else would we be able to all live together like this? Maybe if I get my hands on more money … No, Yamato was very clear when he learned what I was doing. He doesn't want them to have anything to do with any stolen money. I doubt he'll change his mind even now, that guy can be so freaking stubborn.

"Mimi, is something wrong?" I look up to Ken standing beside me. I didn't even hear him approach. "You're pale. Are you feeling sick?" He places his hand on my forehead.

"Sorry." I take his hand and lean my head on his shoulder. "I'm a little tired, is there a room where I could rest for a bit?"

Ken gently brushes my back. "Of course, I'll show you my old bedroom." He says and slides his arm around my waist.

Jeez, why couldn't you just have been a spoiled rich kid rotten to the core?


	11. Yamato, friend or foe

Friday, December 23.

* * *

"Uno!" Koushiro yells, dropping a five red on the discard pile in the middle of the blanket. Taichi's panicked eyes immediately scan everyone's hands. Sorry kid, you're definitively the one being punished. I guess he's scared of Koushiro choosing the punishment. What a stupid game. Sora looks at her cards, then draws. Jou places a two red. I sigh.

"Pick two cards." I tell a dejected Taichi whose mouth falls. Come on now, I'm trying to help. He must have one of these in that pile of cards he's holding. He gloomily raises his hand to draw without even looking at his cards. Wait, we did explain our rules… "You remember that you can use another draw two card instead and he'll have to draw four, right?" Taichi's face illuminates. Tsk, no wonder he's losing so badly.

"Helping out your little _protégé_ , Yama?" Koushiro says with a smirk.

"Draw four!" Taichi happily yells and Koushiro's smirk grows. Of course. The redheaded places his last card, another draw two.

"Don't worry, we'll vote against his punishment if it's inappropriate." Jou says over K's laugh.

"There's something I wanted to try for a while." Koushiro says and receives stern stares from everyone. "I swear it won't hurt him!"

"You have to tell us what it is." I state. Koushiro leans over and whispers something in Sora's ear. She giggles.

"Okay, it's fine. God, Mimi would have loved to see that." Taichi gives her a look, apparently he's not trusting her.

Koushiro gets up and heads for Mimi's tent. Sora starts shuffling the cards. Jou checks again the box behind him where the kitten is sleeping. I look out through a window, the sun has started to set. I guess I'll go work tonight.

"The garbage run for the apartments complexes close by is the day after tomorrow." Jou points out. "Should we go check out tomorrow night? It's the end of the year, people decluttering might be getting rid of good stuff. What do you think Yamato?" Tomorrow night is Saturday …

"Yeah, it's worth a look." I say. "Last year I found the couch."

"Wait, that means you dragged that thing all the way here by yourself!" Sora exclaims.

I glance at her and nod. That's right, I was still living alone a year ago. Sora left that jerk right after new year and Mimi stormed in a couple weeks later. Just a year ago this place was still a lifeless, empty shell.

"Another couch would be great though, now that we're six." Sora continues. "A table too, we wouldn't have to play games on the floor. Ah! Even better, a kotatsu would be perfect!"

Sora's excitement causes a bunch of cards to fly off her hands. She sounds like a kid before Christmas. A kid wondering what junk Santa will throw away this year … And she doesn't even have to do this, she can buy all the furnitures she wants and move in a nice heated apartment. Since the beginning her living here was supposed to be temporary. Her dream … I hope it's not what I think it is.

"It's decided then. You'll be coming with us, right? Tomorrow night." Jou asks. Searching through garbages while my songs are being taken away … Whatever, it'll be better than working. I nod. "I'm hoping to find a new watch." He continues. I catch Taichi bitting his lip. "And Mimi said she wanted another shelving unit for her tent. Oh and I'd gladly take any kind of first aid material I can find."

"I told you a hundred times, just make me a list and I'll buy all the stuff we need." I say. There's a silence. Tsk, did I sound that harsh?

"I know, but saving money on that wouldn't hurt. By the way, I've been thinking that I could make some money too." He says. Tsk. What's with him? Last week he was barely functioning and now he talks like he's ready to move on with his life.

"Oh yeah? How?" I ask. There's another silence.

"… Well, I don't know yet but don't worry, I'm not planning on doing anything illegal or dangerous like walk the streets or anything like that." Oh trust me, you won't.

"You're already helping a lot, I don't see why you'd—"

"I'm back!" Koushiro plops down beside a less than happy teen and snatches the pink toque from his head. He's holding pink ribbons and a brush. I see, that's not so bad. My talk with him seems to have worked. I don't agree with what he was doing, but I hate to say he does have a point. Taichi needs to learn to step up and defend himself if he wants to survive out there. The boy doesn't talk about it, but he must have been an easy target at school. Oh right, school.

"Jou, I need to talk with you after this, okay?" I say and Jou nods.

Koushiro is diligently brushing Taichi's wild mass of hair while the boy stares down at his hands, slightly blushing. I smile, K is being gentle, making sure he doesn't hurt him. Back then K _kindly_ proposed to play the bad guy, but I refused, there's already more than enough assholes out there. Hearing him discuss Taichi's issues was surprising though, but now that I think about it, maybe I've just been misreading his careless attitude.

"I'm glad you're here, I've always wanted a little sister." Koushiro says. That's rare, he doesn't usually … Tsk. There's nothing I can do about his personality.

"I'm a boy." Taichi mumbles. Come on, hit him, yell at him, anything, but do something!

"Close enough." Koushiro says, gathering all the hair on one side. He attaches the ribbon, then do the same on the other side. He steps back once he's done and we all admire the result, holding ourselves not to burst out laughing. The thick bunches are spreading out straight on each side of Taichi's face now a deeper shade of red never seen before.

"That's… so… oddly adorable!" Sora is smiling ear to ear. "Great idea K." She gives her friend a fist bump.

"Wait for the next punishment. He'll look even cuter once he wears one of Mimi's dresses… Don't you think Yamato?" He asks with a devilish grin. Tsk, don't start with that again. I glance back at Taichi. The boy is staring at Koushiro, a puzzled look on his face.

"Don't try too hard to get that guy." I tell him. "Sora, stop shuffling and deal the cards already!"

* * *

"We used to play truth or dare too. Of course Yamato would always pick dare." Sora tells Taichi helping her fold the blanket, still wearing a dress over his clothes. He barely talks, but at least he's not avoiding the others anymore.

I walk over to the table where Jou is preparing the formula for the cat. "Oh yeah, what did you want to talk about?" He says as I arrive.

"Do you know how home schooling works?" I ask. He looks up from the bottle floating in boiling water. "Taichi told me he's been a shut-in for three years." I explain. Jou adjusts his glasses.

"Oh. I see. He mustn't have attended middle school for long then, if he went at all. Have you talked about it with him? Maybe he was home schooled."

"Not yet, but I know he wasn't. He spent these years sulking and fooling around on the Internet." What kind of irresponsible parents let their kid hide in their room for three years? There's no way they couldn't have known about the damage withdrawal would do to him. Did they at least try to offer him some support? Or did they simply turn a blind eye and let him be, considering it was his own problem? What's with all these adults thinking their job is over as soon as their kids are old enough to take care of their basic needs themselves. There's more to parenting than filling the fridge and…

"Yama?" Jou calls. I look back at him, vaguely aware of my clenched hands hurting. "He needs to know the consequences he'll face if he doesn't get his diploma."

"I know, but I was waiting to be able to tell him what kind of options he has … Staying here I mean." I say. Jou nods.

"I'll look into it." He chuckles. "Let me guess, next you'll ask me to be his teacher." God it's good to see him alive again.

"You said you wanted a job… Plus you're a better fit than any of us." I say. He chuckles again.

"You really don't want to see me work, do you?" He asks. No, I really don't.

"Believe me, there's no good jobs out there." I say. "Working for the boss almost got me arrested."

"It's a good thing you're a musician then." Jou points out, filling the sterilized bottle with milk.

It's a good thing I'm a blue eyed blond too. "I'm going out. I need to drop by Jun's place and there's other stuff I need to do so I'll be back late." I say, remembering that I have to find a better excuse soon.

"And by other stuff do you mean drink? Should I worry?" He asks. I'm still getting it for that night, but I guess I deserve it.

"Yeah, having a drink is part of the plan and no, you don't need to worry." I say and walk over to Taichi sitting on the couch. He has removed the dress and is doing the same with the ribbons. "I'm going out. Don't forget to eat." I order. He nods. "A meal." I add. He nods again. Tsk, he's just going to grab a can or a box of crackers again. "Fine! I'll make us diner before I leave."

"Thanks Yama!" Koushiro yells from somewhere behind the boxes, making Taichi chuckle.

"I'll take some too." Jou says, sitting on the couch with the kitten.

"You guys don't even know what I'll make!"

"Which proves just how much we believe in you Yama." Koushiro says. That jerk…

* * *

"Is he here?" I ask the eye staring at me through the crack. Jun closes and unlocks the door.

"I thought you wouldn't come." She says, opening the door and letting me in. I go sit on the couch, what happened Sunday is playing back in my mind. "You want something to drink?" She asks, but doesn't wait for an answer and disappears in the kitchen. She comes back holding a couple beers on each arm.

"You don't have anything stronger?" I ask.

"Why? You're in a hurry to get drunk and leave? Sorry, but you'll have to stay longer than a couple minutes." Jun says and drops the bottles on the small table. Damn, she's right.

"Sorry." I open a beer and drink. She sits beside me and do the same. "He's not coming tonight?" She shakes her head. Right, his show is tomorrow … Plus it's not like they're _together_. Why the hell is she still wasting her time with musicians?

"He'll probably come running to pick up the documents though." She mutters.

"I didn't come for that." She sighs and watches me pull out an envelope from my pocket. "I came to give his money back. There's some in there for you too, for the trouble."

She takes the envelope and tosses it on the table. "If that's what you want … It's not like I don't understand you Yama. He's stealing your songs and you can't do anything about it, except not give him the satisfaction of seeing you bend before him."

No, it's nothing like that. I'm not trying to oppose him, far from it, how could I even bend before him if I'm already laying down at his feet, crushed? Like he said there's nothing I could do so … But signing just never was an option, that's all.

Jun slides closer and starts wrapping her arm around mine, but I remove my arm. "You're still pissed about that?"

"No. It has nothing to do with you, or him … I'm just not in the mood." I take a long sip. "Are you going to the show?"

"No, I'm working tomorrow night. It's Christmas eve, the club will be filled with frustrated men who want to see us dressed as elves and slutty Mrs Claus. I'm surprised Sora chose to take the night off, it pays incredibly well." She says.

"By the way, did Sora tell you why she doesn't want to move in with you?" I ask.

"Sort of. Why? If you expect me to tell you, well, sorry but I'm not blabbing behind my friend's back." She says.

I watch her drink her beer. Jun's been around as a groupie ever since the band played for the first time at the school's festival when we were fourteen. We lost touch after the band fell apart, but met back last year when I worked for the boss and started to show up at the club. She doesn't know, but she was the first person I let back into my life after leaving home two years ago.

"You don't, huh … Then it's alright when the person is not a friend." I down the rest of the bottle and get up. "I have to go. Believe it or not, I didn't come to get drunk for free." I say, which is obviously a lie.

Head down, Jun stays silent. Her hair is hiding her face. Fuck. "Sorry, I'm not really mad or anything, it's fine that you don—"

"I didn't mean it that way." She whispers.

"Sure you did, and that's fine Jun, really. You're right to feel that way, I mean, look at me." How come I didn't realize sooner? It should have been obvious, didn't she pretty much spell it out for me at the hospital? That she was merely putting up with me while I one-sidedly … How embarrassing. "Please give Takashi his money and tell him he can shove his contract up his… just tell him I won't sign it." I walk up to the door. "Oh, but thanks for at least not telling Sora about what happened here with Takashi." I add and leave the apartment without looking back.

It's for the best, Jun is part of the past I want to forget anyway. I put on my hood and take the stairs down. I'll stop at a convenience store on the way.

* * *

I push the sheet and hear Taichi's slow breathing. I get in and try to remove my clothes without making any sound, but of course I hit the milk crates and stuff falls all over. I look back and lock eyes with the boy. "Sorry." At least now I can switch clothes faster.

"You're going to the market tomorrow, right? Can I go with you?" He asks with a sleepy voice.

"Sure, but isn't it boring? Sitting in the cold for hours." I slide my arms in the cold as hell but clean sweater.

"I'd like to walk around." He says. I finish changing and get under the blankets. "Gah, you're cold!" He whines, rolling away from me to the side of the mattress. "Oh, you went to the bath again?" My neck stiffens, I didn't expect him to notice that.

"Yeah. How do you know?"

"You smell soap and shampoo." He says, yawning. Right, if it's just Taichi I don't really need to worry for now, but how long will it be until the others start asking questions? I need to think of a better excuse soon.

"Stop smelling me, it's weird." I put my cold hand on his neck, causing him to shriek. He must be smelling alcohol too, but he's been avoiding that subject ever since I came back. Good, he understood that I'm not like his father. "Good night."

"You too Yamato." I turn to my side and the other night comes back to mind. He hasn't talked about it or asked anything, but I can tell he's worrying. Tsk, it was just … It was nothing at all. I'm fine now. Everything is alright, everyone is doing great and when Mimi comes back it'll be even better. I'll do anything to protect them. That's all that matters to me.

 **They'll leave you.** Shut up. I'm not going to mess up this time. I'm able to control my anger now. **It doesn't matter, they'll leave you.** I might not have a great personality, but I'm being helpful to all of them. **That's why they'll leave you.** No, they need me. They wouldn't be here if it wasn't the case. **Wake up. They'll leave you behind once they move on… Whore.**

"Yamato?" A hand on my shoulder makes me jump. "Are you cold? You're shivering."

A dream. Fuck. "I'm fine. Go back to sleep." I mutter, bringing a hand to my chest. That pain, I need to shut it down before…

"I'll go get a couple more blankets." He proposes.

"I said I'm FINE!" Fuck. Why… "Sorry Taichi." All I keep saying is sorry lately. "I'm f—" The word gets stuck in my throat. Taichi doesn't say anything, but after a moment his warm hand disappears from my shoulder. Shit, I did it again. I hear shuffling behind me, then Taichi's warmth reappears as he snuggles up against me.

"I'm kind of cold too." He simply says. The calming effect is instantaneous. I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

"Fine then." He's so awful at lying.

* * *

I'm singing the song I wrote after Dad and I had a huge fight over my slightly lower grades back in high school. I wasn't even close to failing, but Dad said he was taking it as a sign that I had started neglecting school. He threatened to force me to stop doing music with the band. That's how I knew what this was really about, he wanted to pull me away from Takashi. Like he needed to worry about that.

Of course the couple standing in front of me with their little girl can't figure this story by listening to the lyrics. I finish playing and the toddler stops dancing to join her parents clapping their hands. They walk away after dropping some coins in my case. If this song eventually makes it to the radio, will they recall having heard it here? They won't remember me and even if they do, they'll probably think I was just singing their song, just like everyone else. Fuck. After tonight I'll be a poor loser trying to make money using The New Wolfgang's success.

"… You think he's taking a break?"

"Looks like it. Hobos sure are having it easy these days. Let's go."

Whatever. It's not like I really need to sing anymore.

The pick escapes my fingers and falls on the tip of my boot.

A shadow appears over me and a hand grabs the pick. I look up just to see my reflexion in his sunglasses.

"Seriously Matt, your stubbornness will end up killing you." Takashi stretches his hand holding the pick, but I ignore it. He sighs and snatches my guitar. He sits besides me and starts playing one of our songs right away. Of course. He's been practicing them with the others. So he's going to play that one during the show. He repeats the melody where I'm supposed to start singing a couple times. Tsk, you're wasting your time. Doesn't he have anything better to do, I don't know, like get ready for his concert?

"If you came to ask—" I begin.

"I know. You won't sign. And I'm sure you won't take back your money either." He stops playing. "Jun seemed down when I came by her place this morning. What happened?"

"So you care about her now?"

"I've always cared about her, that's why I've always made sure everything was clear between us." He says. "You're pushing her out of your life, is that it?"

So what if I do? What's it got to do with him? "Why are you here?" I slide off the ledge of the flower pot and pick up the coins in my case.

"A present." He says. I get back up, filling my pocket with the change. Why? He knows I'll refuse anything coming from him. I turn to face Takashi and flinch. He removed his glasses and is looking straight at me, his green eyes completely devoid of all the hatred and resentment he has toward me. His gaze is almost friendly. Then he pulls out of his pocket a ticket for his show and the spell is broken.

"You've got to be kidding me." I whisper, clenching my fists. So he came to humiliate me one last time.

"Please, just hear me out before you throw your fit." He begs. Fuck you! I'll show you that I've changed. I cross my arms and stare at him. "Thanks. You were an ass Matt." My mouth falls. "No, listen! You can't deny that the way you ended up treating us was wrong. The constant yelling and bashing, you snapping at every single mistake we did. To you we were never good enough, we were just holding you back. We weren't even a group anymore, you stopped listening to us, ignored all the ideas or opinions we had. In the end it became impossible to deal with you everyday, your outbursts were growing more violent, you even broke some of our equipment. You were scaring us Matt."

I'm fixing the ground, my hands gripping my arms. God it hurts. I know all that, but hearing it from him is just… It's horrible. I glance at the bench, at least Taichi isn't around to hear.

"We had to get away from you, we weren't enjoying playing anymore. You almost killed our passion for music." I clench my teeth, he never told me that. "I've been hating you ever since then. When I saw you Sunday, I didn't even have an ounce of sympathy for you. To be honest, I thought you deserved to be living like this, with everyone having turned their back on you. That's why I acted like a jerk. Sorry about that." I let out a nervous chuckle and run a hand on my face. He's sorry for that… After all I did. "Whatever happened for you to end up with so much anger pent-up inside, it doesn't excuse the fact that you should have realized the way you treated everyone around you wasn't right. Everyone warned you, told you to stop. You should have sought help befo—"

"Enough… I know all that." I whisper. Can't he see I'm at my limit here? Takashi takes a deep breath.

"But after seeing you Sunday I realized something. All these years we've spent together… I failed at being a real friend to you." I raise my hands and cover my eyes. "You said I was your best friend… To me you've always been the guy with this huge talent with whom I would climb to the top. I'm not saying that I was using you, I considered you my friend and all but, thinking back, maybe I was in a way using you. I mean, I even remember thinking that your feelings for me were convenient." Takashi chuckles. "But when I say I wasn't a real friend, it's because I ignored the signs and let you struggle by yourself. Before your anger became a problem I never bothered to talk to you about that shadow I did see growing around you. I knew you were dealing with something, yet I ignored it because it seemed to be what fueled your creativity. You were writing these amazing songs, I was getting what I wanted from you… I've been thinking, if back then someone else was by your side, maybe they would have been able to help you. Probably. For that I'm sorry."

Takashi falls silent. I take a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut with my hands. This is just… How am I supposed to process that? I've long accepted that I was the only one to blame for everything. I've accepted full responsibility for messing up my life. I've even accepted that what I felt all these years, that _shadow_ or whatever, was nothing. Bringing this up now, years later… It's pointless, and just cruel.

"Jun told me you're living with other people now. I hope they're better friends than I was. You do seem different." Takashi sighs. "Well, I'm telling you that, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still going to use your songs." A chuckle escapes my mouth. "Come to the concert. If you do, I'm sure you'll understand and hopefully you'll be able to find closure."

I don't move, but listen as Takashi gets up and puts my guitar in its case. The locks snap shut and the case is leaned against the flower pot, then nothing. But I can still feel him in front of me.

"I left the ticket in your guitar case. Goodbye Matt." He finally says. I listen to his footsteps, then sit on the ground and lean against the cold bricks, my hands still firmly pressed on my eyes.

* * *

People are glancing down at me as they walk by. I pull my hood over my hair. Standing out never really bothered me, until I became homeless. But I'm able to ignore the looks now, most of the time.

Closure. I was doing that just fine until _he_ decided to drop back into my life. I don't need to go to the show. I don't need to hear that guy sing my songs. Just … Whatever, take them, I don't care. What difference would going there make anyway? I take a deep breath and look up at the sky. If I go I'll understand … Understand what? That they deserve the success? I know that. I'm not jealous of their popularity, that'd be childish. You guys deserve to be at the top … so take the songs and leave me alone.

I glance at the bench. How come Taichi isn't back yet? Sure, I said I'd sing for a few hours, but I didn't think he'd be gone the whole time. Tsk, I can't go look for him. What if he comes back while I'm gone? Well, it's not like he doesn't know the way home. He's sixteen-ish for Christ's sake! Why am I so nervous that he's out there by himself?

Actually I know why, the image is still stuck in my mind. Him hidden in the dark alley with a desperate look on his face while his body shivers like crazy. It's only by chance that I glanced in his direction that day, and I almost didn't notice him. What would have happened if I had left without seeing him? A couple scenarios play in my mind. I get up and grab my guitar, maybe he's not far.

I find him easily enough a couple blocks down the street. He's sitting curled up beside the door of a store, his head leaned forward with his hood pulled over to hide his face. There's a plastic cup in front of him. The heck?! I walk up to him and crush the cup with my foot. He jerks his head up, his face betraying all the shame he's been fighting off. I sigh and crouch in front of him.

"What do you think you're doing?" I ask.

"… Making money?" Taichi tries. I slide my foot and grab the cup, then extract seventy yen.

"I told you to tell me if you need anything." I say, giving him the change.

"It's my fault so it wouldn't be fair for you to pay." He mumbles and the dots connect.

"You want to buy Jou a watch." Figures. "It's fine, I wanted to buy him one already." Taichi looks down at his shoe and removes some snow with his mitt. "Tsk. What is it?"

"I want to do more too." He says. Not him too, what's with them all of a sudden? "Everyone else is helping out so…"

"Where's that coming from? Did anyone tell you to do more?" Taichi shakes his head, averting his eyes. "Good, because you don't have to do anything in exchange for staying with us."

"I'm sick of it. It's the worst feeling." He says, adjusting his hood over his face. I lean forward until I lock eyes with him and silently urge him to explain. "When you're a shut-in … you're constantly aware that you're just leeching off other people's hard work." Urg… That's the kind of thought that won't go away no matter what I say to him.

"Okay. We'll figure something out, but you're not begging ever again. It's a waste of time and it's dangerous. You're basically holding a sign saying that you're by yourself." Taichi stares at me, confused. "People might want to take advantage of that." The confusion in his eyes grows. Oh for Christ's sake! "There's plenty of people out there with bad intentions you know?" If it wasn't for his social anxiety, he'd be the type to accept candies and get in a stranger's car, wouldn't he?

"Oh… You mean like those who'd steal my organs." Tsk, in which part of the Internet did he spend all his time? Certainly not _that_ part.

"Yeah… Sure." I get up, stretch out my hand that he grabs and pull him up. "By the way, why did you have Jou's watch?" I ask as we start walking.

"To stop skipping meals. I haven't followed a schedule for years." He responds. "I think that's why you thought I wasn't…" His voice dies out and he looks away at a vitrine decorated with a Christmas tree. Tsk. People don't need a watch for that, but I guess what he thinks doesn't matter, as long as he's actively making an effort to eat now.

"You'll be able to help tonight if you come with us on our garbage run." I say. Taichi looks back at me and nods. "Is there something you'd like to find? Aside from a bed I mean." The boy thinks for a moment, a hand on his chin.

"I guess I won't find a working computer."

"Of course not, electronics can't be disposed."

"Then a bag would be gr…" Taichi stops talking as we walk by an old man sleeping against the wall, cardboards and newspapers covering him. I can almost hear what's going on in his mind. I pat the boy's head. I'm not going to let him stay down here forever. **They'll leave you behind.** Shut up.

* * *

"I'll wait outside." Taichi says, staring inside the busy convenience store through the window. He's generally fine outside now, but the kid still has problems with crowded places.

"They sell watches here, don't you want to pick one for Jou?"

"… You can choose it." He mumbles.

"Fine. What do you want to eat? Something with meat." Taichi gives me the _anything is fine_ shrug. "I'll grab some batteries too. Did we need anything else?" Taichi thinks while mindlessly playing with the hole in his mitt.

"We're running out of toothpaste." He reminds me.

"Okay. Don't go too far, and don't beg!" I order as I push the door.

I grab a couple sandwiches, beers, the batteries and toothpaste, then walk up to the watches and pick the first one I spot that has a clock hand for the seconds. They're all cheap looking anyway. Was that all? I feel like I'm forgetting something… Oh, right. I approach the stand of necklaces on the counter. There's all kind of pendants for men, women and kids. I pick one. That'll do for a Christmas present.

I glance back at the window. Someone is talking to Taichi. I toss the stuff on the counter and of course the girl behind it takes her damn sweet time to scan everything. I pay and hurry outside.

"Taichi, let's go." I say as I approach the person from behind. Taichi looks at me with a smile. Someone he knows? Then the guy turns around. Urg, not that one.

"Hi!" The clerk greets cheerfully. "Taichi told me you two were going to eat at the park, do you mind if I join?"

I silently give Taichi a piece of my mind that I want to take back as soon as I see him flinch. Tsk, he manages to talk to someone and I find nothing better to do than act like a jerk.

"Sure…" I'd gladly tell him to scram, but Taichi's here. "Shawn was it?"

He chuckles awkwardly. "Almost, it's Shin. And you are?" Right, he asked for my name the other night too, but I didn't bother telling him.

"Yamato." I say, glancing away.

The guy smiles, then excuses himself and hurry in the store to buy a meal.

"Sorry." Taichi mumbles beside me.

"No, it's fine." I make sure our eyes meet so that he sees I'm sincere. "I told him your name by accident the other night." He gives me the _Oh, that's why_ look. "What did he say?" I ask. What is he planning? To convince him to go back home? Fuck, and I'm the one who told him to talk with Taichi.

Taichi smiles. "He said he went to the market to hear you sing earlier, but you were already gone." His smile grows into a grin. "Looks like Yama has a fan." He says playfully.

"Yeah, right." The guy's obviously just interested in Taichi, but I can't help it and smile back. Just now, he didn't realize how he called me.

Shin comes back with his food and we walk to the park a couple blocks away. The clerk doesn't shut up for a second, telling Taichi that he moved here when he started university three years ago. I wait for him to tell us his major, but he doesn't. Whatever, it's not like I care enough to ask. We walk to a picnic table and proceed to sweep off the snow. I hold in a smirk when Shin sits and winces at the bench's coldness.

"Here, go buy something to drink." I give Taichi some change and he dashes to the vending machines. I sit in front of Shin and pull out a can of beer from the bag that I crack open. I take a sip, watching him remove the cover of his sushi bento. It's amazing how perfectly average looking he is, absolutely nothing about that guy stands out. He probably served me for a long time at the store before I started noticing him. He, on the other hand, must have noticed me right away.

"Do you want some?" Shin asks, pushing the tray toward me. I shake my head. He glances at the vending machines.

"He always takes forever to choose." I explain. And he always ends up looking disappointed anyway.

"Oh." He pushes his food around with his chopsticks. "You two seem to get along well." Come on, say what you want to say already. "Hum… I know it's a rude thing to ask, but… You guys aren't… Are you two living on the streets?" He finally asks, setting down his chopsticks and looking at me.

"No." His eyes keep studying me. "Tsk. I swear there's a roof over his head every night, okay?"

"Is it safe?" He pushes.

I stay silent. No matter what I say, he'll try to convince me that this isn't right, that I'm not helping the kid. Fuck you, you won't take Taichi from me. What? You think he'd be better off with you?

"You didn't even do anything the night he spent in your store." I remind him. He freezes a moment, then sighs.

"I know." He looks down at his sushi. "I didn't know what to do, or if I was even supposed to do something. I ended up convincing myself that he would go back home after the night."

"He was outside, freezing to death when I found him." Shin flinches … Dammit, why am I feeling sorry for that guy now? "I'm not saying it's your fault. We're in a big city, most people in that situation would choose not to get involved … It's safe enough, where we live I mean. Plus we're not alone." I say and watch him try to smile. "Sorry for kicking the counter by the way."

"It's alright, you seemed to have a lot on your mind. Is it better now?" He asks. Tsk, how did the conversation turn like that? I quickly nod as I bring the beer to my mouth. "It didn't seem to be the case at the market place." He points out, making me almost choke.

"What are you talking about?" I ask, staring at him. Did he hear?

"I saw you. You weren't playing. You were sitting on the ground with your hands covering your eyes."

It's my turn to study him. He didn't see Takashi, did he? It doesn't look like he's holding anything back.

"What happened?" Shin asks.

"I had a migraine, but it's none of your business. Seriously, what is this? What do you want?" My voice is getting louder. I breathe and cross my arms to hide my trembling hands. I can't lose it here, not with Taichi watching.

"I know I'm just a stranger to you, but I've…" His eyes drift behind me, then something hot is placed to both sides of my face, making me jump. Taichi laughs and comes sit beside me, holding two cans of coffee.

"Which one do you want?" He asks. Both probably taste the same. He notices the beer in front of me.

"I didn't say I wanted something." I still pick a can and crack it open. "Thanks. Here." I toss his meal in front of him. Taichi's eyes widen at the sight of the huge baguette sandwich packed with crispy chicken. That's what you get for letting me choose.

"Do you want sushi?" Shin proposes.

Taichi stares avidly at the tray. So he likes sushi, huh. But then he shakes his head. Tsk. I kick Shin's leg, causing him to wince and look at me. I mouth _trade_ and he nods _._

"Are you sure? That's what I picked but, I'm not really hungry for sushi … Wanna trade?" He says, not sounding natural at all, but Taichi nods right away and the sandwich is tossed in front of Shin who reluctantly takes it.

I sigh. "Here." I give him my sandwich and take back the over-sized crispy chicken sandwich. "So … are you working tonight?" I ask. Urg, this is so awkward.

"No, I'm going to a concert." He says. Tsk.

"Oh! Is it The New Wolfg—" Taichi freezes and glances at me, _Crap I messed up_ showing all over his face. Shin's gaze shifts between us.

"That's right. Do you like them?" He asks the boy.

"Y-Yeah …" Taichi mumbles, grabbing a sushi. "… But there's another band I like way better." He adds before tossing the food in his mouth. I stare at the side of his blushing face until I can't hold it anymore and start laughing. "Hey, don't laugh it's true!" He punches my arm, making me laugh even more. Shin stares at us, completely lost.

"It's fine Taichi, they're really good." I say after I calmed down. "I have their albums, remember?" I reassure him. So he was worried about how I felt because of the concert.

"Yeah, but…" I pat Taichi's head. God I love this kid.

"Shin, you said you listened to me at the market, right?" I ask. I wonder if he'll notice, not that it'll make a difference, but…

"Yes, a couple times. Why? Did you play their songs?" He asks, growing more and more confused.

"Something like that." I grab my beer and drink.

"That reminds me. Taichi, that necklace you picked was a wolf, wasn't it?" Shin asks.

A grin on his face appears, then Taichi suddenly grabs my collar. "Hey!" His cold fingers slide around my neck, then he pulls out the pendant.

"Oh, so it was for him…" Shin thinks out loud. What's with that tone of voice?

"Yes." Oh no, don't explain why yo— "The wolf might look mean and angry, but its tail is all curved and fluffy, just like Yamato." Taichi says, pulling the pendant for Shin to take a good look.

"Fluffy…" Shin whispers pensively.

"He just means I'm not as bad as I look!"

Shin laughs, briefly locking eyes with me. It was only for a moment but, that satisfied gaze … I'm sure this guy is up to something.

* * *

The sun has started to set when we reach the fence enclosing the ruined area. I stop and watch Taichi, the shopping bag dandling in his hand, walk over to the opening right under the worn out sign prohibiting citizens from entering this zone. It's only when he's about to traverse to the other side that he realizes I'm not by his side anymore.

"Yamato?" He calls, his free hand holding the wires.

Go home and forget everything, that's what I want to do, yet … I put down my guitar case. The ticket is in there, slided between the guitar strings. I pick it up and shove it in my pocket. It's no use, I have to be there, even if I know it won't make any difference. At least I won't regret not going, I'll have seen this through to the end. I get back up and walk over to Taichi who's been watching me with a frown.

"Here, bring this back with you." I say, giving him my guitar. Taichi doesn't react, he keeps staring at me with his big dark eyes, frozen. Tsk, why now? Usually he's not the perceptive type. I pat his head. "Why are you making that face? I just forgot to do something, I won't be gone for too long. I'll catch up with you guys tonight if you're still out." I say.

Taichi finally moves and leans the case against the fence. He turns back to me and starts wrapping his arms around my waist. I feel his hand slide in my back pocket, then he pulls out … my knife? He steps back, bringing out the blade. "Hey, what…"

"A promise. Let's make a promise." He says, a serious frown on his face. "Not to disappear ever again."

Seriously? Why that now? "I'm not going anywhere … And what do you need my knife for anyway?" He removes his mitt and brings the knife to his palm. I jump forward and grab his wrist. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?! That's dangerous!" Taichi winces at the tight grip but I couldn't care less right now. "What's the matter with you? One injured hand is not enough? Why do you want to do that? I swear I'll be gone a couple hours!"

"I'm not that stupid you know. You're going to the concert." He says. Tsk. Of course he would figure that much.

"Yeah, okay. You're right, I want to hear them play, but you don't need to worry, I'm fine, seriously. I'm not jealous or angry, I respect these guys." I reassure him. This isn't right, Taichi doesn't even know about my songs being taken, he shouldn't be worrying that much. The pulse on his wrist I'm holding is fast. That's not it, he's not just worried. "Why are you scared?"

"Because I don't know. I can't know. You're not an open book like I am. Or maybe I just can't read people. But I know you disappear, the others told me that's what you always do. That's what you did with your family two years ago. That's why I'm scared. Because even if you say you won't go away I can't trust you." Taichi closes his eyes. So it affected him that much, me walking out on him that night. Shit.

"I'm not going to disappear Taichi." I try to reassure him again. I loosen up my grip on his wrist. "If you can't trust me, why did you think sealing the promise with blood would work? It's not a magic spell or anything, just mixing our blood can't keep me from disappearing." I stupidly blurt out, causing a sob to escapes the kid's mouth that he immediately covers with his free hand. "Dammit, I'm not saying … I have no intention of leaving you, okay? I'm just telling you that using blood is pointless. Plus Jou would kill me if I let you do that." I say to lighten the mood, but it doesn't work. Taichi doesn't resist when I remove the knife from his hand and put it back in my pocket. "How about a pinky promise?" I try. No reaction. "We could spit into a handshake." Nothing. What else? A signed contract? I sigh and pull him into a hug.

"Sorry." He mutters into my chest as he wraps his arms around me.

"You haven't tried to ask me not to go to the concert." I point out.

"That would be selfish … But I guess I'm already being selfish for needing you so much." Taichi grips my back. "I've been thinking about that thing you said, you know, the missing screws. I think I'm missing a bunch of them … I mean a lot. So many it's a miracle I'm still holding together. I can't tell what kind of screws I'm supposed to have that you don't, but I know you have those I'm missing."

The body I'm holding suddenly feels so light and frail I'm afraid it'll break. _Bring it back outside!_ I've felt that way once before. _It's dirty and it looks sick._ _What were you thinking? It might attack your brother._ The urge to protect mixed with a crushing sense of helplessness. _Stop crying, it was a stray, it would have died soon anyway. Believe me that driver did it a favor._

"I won't … Hey Taichi, how about a kiss then?" Taichi's face pops up. "Would that be enough for you to trust me?" I ask.

"Eh?" He's completely lost, staring at me with his mouth open. The same kid who was about to slice his hand a minute ago. Jeez.

"Then please, let's just do the pinky thing and…"

"Okay." He cuts me.

"Okay, what?" I ask. Taichi blushes. "Tsk. Have you even kissed before?" He shakes his head. Why did I even propose that? "You realize your first kiss would be with a guy."

"…You kiss your other friends." He says. What is he talking about? "Like Jun and Sora." … "And you seem close to them." … "I mean, we're friends too, right?" His expression shifts, now screaming _Was I the only one thinking that?_ … How … How the heck did he come to the conclusion that friends kiss?

"We're friends." That much should have been obvious. "And I promise I won't disap—" Oh, I get it. I just can't promise that. He won't be able to trust me no matter what because he knows it's a lie. "… I promise I'll always come back." I say and Taichi understands. There's a bit of disappointment in his eyes, but he nods anyway. I grab his chin and give him a kiss.


	12. Yamato, the choice we make

"Thank you, enjoy the show!"

I pull my hood over my head as I pass through the gates. Tsk. Thinking that there might be fans of Teenage Wolves out here that could still recognize me … How cocky is that? We were becoming popular, but that was over two years ago. I walk past the kiosks where clerks are shortening their lifespan selling food and t-shirts to the endless wave of restlessly eager fans. Urg. All that excitement in the air, it's so annoying. There's better be a deserted corner away from the crowd somewhere, otherwise I'm out of here.

I shove my hands in my pockets and something wraps around my fingers. Oh right, the necklace I bought for Taichi … For Christ's sake, I should have just given him that instead of the lame kiss! And to think that he went along with it, he really was desperate. His reaction kind of threw me off, I didn't expect him to become this dependent. Not that it bothers me, but … I'd better come back early, just to put him at ease.

A group of overexcited teens bumps into me as they run toward the main venue. There's still a lot of people coming in even though the first part has already begun. I join the flow of people heading to the main stage area.

"No, I told you already, they just had a different singer!" I girl following behind says.

"Ah? What happened, was he that bad?"

"Not at all! If you ask me, he was better than Ren. I don't know what happened though, they just stopped doing shows, then after a while the rest of them reappeared with Ren and calling themselves The New Wolfgang."

"What's the other singer doing now?"

"No idea, I haven't heard of him since. That's too bad, he was really cute."

"Pfft, he probably just got cold feet and ran away. Couldn't handle the pressure."

Tsk. I slip away and reach the thankfully deserted area behind the control building. Finally. I sit against the fence and watch the crowd in the distance getting pumped for the concert. The corner of the building is blocking my view of the stage, but the big screen will do I guess. I'm not here to enjoy the show anyway … Why am I here again? Something about not regretting not coming. Yeah, I almost believed myself there. I bring my legs up and rest my forehead on my crossed arms. Takashi asked me to come so I came, that's all. Over two years passed and I'm still … Tsk, it's pissing me off just to think that right now he's convinced that I'm here.

What am I supposed to understand? I'm here so illuminate me.

* * *

Come on, get on the stage already! I look up at the screen where the first part is still performing. They're not bad, I'd probably enjoy listening to them if my squeezed stomach wasn't hurting so much. Fuck, there's no reason for me to be this nervous. I cross my arms over my aching belly. It's almost as if my body knows something that I don't and is desperately trying to warn me.

A teenage girl is standing a couple feet away, busy typing on her phone. She probably lost her friends. Good luck finding them before the concert starts. She shoves her phone in the pocket of her gray parka and looks around. Oh no, not this wa— Our eyes meet.

"You don't seem too excited to be here." She says, walking over. The straightforward type, huh.

"You don't seem too disappointed to have lost your friends." I get back at her. The corner of her lips goes up a little.

"I wasn't in the mood to come, but the guys dragged me over anyway. Can I stay with you while I wait for them?" She asks. Maybe it's because she looks familiar, but I nod without thinking and watch her sit beside me. "You came alone, right? If you want you can tag along w—"

"I'm fine here." I cut her a bit too harshly, but she just nods with a smile. "So, hum, how did you lose your friends?" I ask.

"We had a good spot in the middle, but the two jackasses didn't listen to me and decided to push toward the front." Her smile grows into a wicked grin. "So now they'll watch the concert from the back." I can't help but chuckle, which feels weird, but at least my stomach settled a little. "You're obviously not here to enjoy the concert, do you even like The New Wolfgang?" She asks, studying me with her hazelnut eyes.

"I have mixed feelings about them." I say with a shrug. Tsk, I should have just lied here. At least she doesn't urge me to explain. I glance at her profile while she watches the screen, her chin buried in her light pink scarf. Have I met her before? "What about you?"

"Oh, I like them, but not as much as my friends." She glances at me. "Although one of them also has _mixed feelings_." She adds, pulling a strand of brown hair behind her ear. She brings her legs up and wraps her arms around them. We continue watching the concert in silence.

"… Hum, you wanna talk?" She suddenly asks, staring at the ground.

"What?" Talk about what, did I miss a part?

"No, well, it's just." She takes a deep breath. "Please don't take it badly but, you look like you have a lot going on so …" I glance down at my clothes. Shit, do I look that bad? No, I guess anyone sitting alone at a concert would give off that impression. She lets out a nervous laugh. "As I thought, I'm really bad at this, sorry. I didn't mean to pry, it's just that you sort of give off the same vibe as someone close to me used to so … I don't know, I thought I'd try coming forward." She explains.

Tsk. "Let me guess, and talking to you _really_ helped that person." She'd get along with Sora. There's a silence. Urg, I did it again, didn't I? I really should just do the world a favor and keep my mouth shut.

"Nah, I didn't help him." She softly says.

Oh. I get it. Sorry but you picked the wrong person, I can't play that guy's part to ease your guilty conscience. "Is that so. Well, thanks for the offer but I'm fine, just tired I guess." I say, glancing at the teen. Dammit, now she looks depressed. She's obviously the one who needs to talk. Urg … "Earlier you said you weren't in the mood to come, is it because of that guy?"

"That's right." A hollow laugh escapes her mouth. "Have you ever regretted something so bad it hurts?"

"Yeah."

"It'll sound like I'm making excuses, but … I think I was too close to see clearly." My hand twitches. "I always assumed he was stronger. In reality he wasn't at all. He was slowly breaking apart. He just kept it to himself." She explains.

"You regret not realizing he had issues."

"Ah ah … If only it was just that …" She leans back on the fence and looks up at the night sky. "No, I knew because a couple years ago he suddenly changed. One day he gave up everything, just like that, after all we went through, after things were finally getting better at home. It was a shock. I couldn't understand, even now I still don't get why he chose to do that. I thought we were close, but all of a sudden there was this wall between us. Without an explanation he shut me out of his life along with everyone else … And when that happened, well, I felt betrayed."

A heavy silence falls between us that even the music fails to fill up. Betrayed … That makes sense. I guess I did betray everyone's expectations too. The girl suddenly lets out a loud sigh, she tosses her arms over her head and stretches her legs in front of her.

"Anyway! Long story short, instead of reaching out to him I decided it was his own choice, I let him distance himself and we drifted apart." She gives me a sad smile. "I even stopped looking up to him. Horrible, isn't it?" She looks away, but not before I notice her damp eyes.

I stay silent. I'm not good with this kind of stuff, comforting and whatnot. I doubt anything I'd say would help. No, I _know_ opening my mouth would only make things worse. Instead my hand shuffles the silky brown hair … What am I doing, she's not Taichi! I pull away and mumble an apology that she responds to with a light giggle. She unzips her parka and takes out a flask. Damn kids.

"Here, as a thank you for listening to me babble." She says as she gives me the bottle.

"You know you'll be in trouble if you're caught with that here, right?" I warn her before taking a sip.

"Come on, no one would suspect me, I look like an angel." I lift an eyebrow at her shady innocent smile. "Actually it's my friend, the stupid one, who brought it in. He's the type who'd look like trouble even in a suit so I forced him to hand it to me." She says, refusing the flask I'm handing back to her. "Knock yourself out if you want." I gladly oblige.

"Those friends of yours don't seem very reputable. I disapprove of them." I say half-jokingly and she laughs.

"It's true that if I don't keep an eye on these two, they easily get carried away and do stupid stuff, but they're the best friends one could have." She says, obviously fond of these guys.

"So you're the responsible friend and there's the stupid friend. How would you describe the other one?" I ask. She takes a moment to think.

"Too caring for his own good." She finally says.

I take one last sip and give her the flask. "Can I ask you something?" She nods. "About earlier …" If her story with the guy happened a couple years ago, then why is it affecting her now? "No, never mind." I have a feeling I shouldn't bring this up, it's none of my business anyway.

The girl opens her mouth, but then she jumps and grabs her phone. She looks at the screen and gets up. "I have to go, looks like they're waiting for me on the other side." She says and smiles. "Thanks for keeping me company. Take care okay?" I nod. "Oh, my name is Hikari by the way, it was nice meeting you." She adds and runs off before I could say anything.

* * *

"And now The New Wolfgang!"

The guys appear on stage and the crowd turns crazy. Fuck, this is it. They start the concert by playing some of their popular songs. Damn they're good, but I already knew that. I pushed them because I knew they had potential. _You almost killed our passion for music_ …Why did I become that jerk? My personality was never that great to begin with, but I used to be able to control myself, at least most of the times.

Takashi and the others are on fire, even Haru who used to be so shy is surprisingly not giving away his place on the stage. Ren is trying too much, but I can't say he lacks energy … I take that back, he's just too full of himself. Stop waving around that stupidly long hair every minute!

The music stops and Ren begins to talk, making the crowd scream with the usual greetings. "…Tonight, we have a very special Christmas gift for you! Do you want it?" The crowd roar while my stomach squeezes. "You'll be the very first to hear some of the songs of our next album coming this spring, are you ready?" …

A very, very familiar melody travels to my hears. My fingers twitch, looking for cords, and my mouth instinctively gets ready to sing the lyrics coming up, I take a breath and … A different voice echoes throughout the venue. Not mine. It's that guy's voice.

Was it this cold? The chilling wind seems to have found its way inside my jacket. I wrap my arms around myself to stop the shivering. The ground I'm sitting on is cold too, and the fence … I pull away from it, leaning forward.

They're really doing it, they're playing one of my songs, one I sang just this morning … _I'll be honest with you, this is a waste of really good songs._ Ah … Fuck. How can I argue with that? My little performances at the market can't compare to this … _This_ is how these songs should be played.

Another tune begins. The fans are clearly enjoying them. That's good I guess.

I get it. It's so obvious now. Watching them up there from down here … I have no choice but to face it, face the fact that I've wasted a long time ago my chance at being a part of that world. What was I even hoping for, clinging on these songs? But with this it's over, the last tie I had with that part of my life is gone. I guess that's what Takashi meant by finding closure. I snicker. I screwed up my life big time, didn't I?

They finish playing another song. I've heard enough. I grip the fence and pull myself up. "This next song is called _Big Boy_!" A painful jolt smashes my insides.

"Wh…" I turn and stare at Ren grinning on the screen. It can't be … I must have heard wrong.

The music starts. It's arranged differently, but the melody is _that one_ … No. Takashi doesn't know that song. I've never played it to him, or anyone. It wasn't even in my songbook. Where did I keep it? Maybe the lyrics won't … My knees buckle and I'm back down on the ground. Takashi, you … You can't do that to me, it was supposed to be the Teenage Wolves' songs!

"You should understand, you're a big boy now." Ren's voice… "We're counting on you, you're a big boy now." …butchers the lyrics. "Don't make that face, you're a big boy now." Oh God, no. "Big boys don't cry, big boys are strong, So I put on my big boy mask and sing along!"

That song … It wasn't meant to be heard. Takashi, you asshole, you must have known that!

"Up on my toes I smile, I wave you goodbye, then I close my eyes. Oh but don't worry, I won't let them leak. If I feel sorry, I'll slap my cheek. If I feel little, I'll pinch my side. And even if I fail, tonight when I'll smile, you won't know that I cried. Tell me are you proud? Then why is it so, that the more I grow, the farther you go?"

The crowd joins in for the chorus … My neck hurts. It's so stiff, like it's about to snap. Shit, this isn't … happening, this song was just a way for me to … but right now it's being sung so carelessly … in front of everyone … feels like I'm naked and they all … it's even worst than … I gag and stick my hand over my mouth.

"I'll be a good kid, and grow up fast. Making sure to hide, when it gets hard. Then I look around and there's no one."

Takashi … So this was all just a joke to you. You must be laughing so hard right now. Sorry my ass, all you wanted was to drag me here to crush me. You wanted your revenge, you got it. How pathetic am I, to think that I almost believed … My fist hits the ground. ASSHOLE! You had no right to do that!

"… I do my best when the night comes, I plug my ears and ignore the voice, the one whispering **you're not loved**."

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" My mouth moves but my voice doesn't reach my ears. My right fist hits the ground, over and over. "Argh! Come on!" Why doesn't it hurt?! Dammit! "You bastard!" And those people, they just keep dancing. Why, the music stopped already! Shit, they're all blurry, jumping slower and slower, like a bunch of… My arm stops. The screen shows Takashi in close up. He's playing his instrument with a straight face, completely absorbed, totally indifferent. **He's the one who should feel pain.** My fist twitches… No that's not… I didn't just think that.

Something catches my eye. I follow the black snowflake falling down. Black? It lands on my hand. Red dots are dripping on the ground. I turn my shaking fist. The joints are covered in blood. I sniff. **Why not, he didn't have the right, that song was very personal.** Why am I… I swore I'd never raise my hand to someone ever again. **That brat had it coming.** "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

I look up and flinch. Black snow is now falling heavily, hiding the screen, the crowd… It's like I'm surrounded by a thick swirling curtain. Fuck, this is wrong. Did I take something? No… I don't think so, but… I look back at my bloody hand. I'm not feeling pain. I'm not feeling the cold either, or even the ground under my legs. I snap my fingers right beside my hear, nothing. Maybe I'm sick… or losing my mind. Wait. That alcohol earlier, wasn't it just sake? Don't tell me… Shit! Yeah right, an angel my ass!

I grip the fence and get up. Feels like I'm floating, so weird. At least I'm still thinking straight, I think. I put a foot forward and start walking in the direction the exit is. **And then, where to?** Home. **Why?** Why… Why not, that's where I want to go. **That's a lie.** Tsk, what's with these thoughts?

And what's with that storm. It's surrounding me but, other than a couple lost _snowflakes_ or whatever _,_ nothing is touching me. Although, it _is_ getting thicker and closer. **Right, this isn't good.**

My knees hit the ground and sensations flow back into my body, the cold and the pain submerging me all at once. "Urgh…" Sounds are back too. I look up from the clotted blood on my hand. Seems like the weird storm suddenly stopped … What? That's impossible. I stare at the familiar dirty back door right in front of me. It can't be, the club isn't near at all. How did I get here? My legs do feel tired… Did I black out and somehow walked all the way here? Shit, that could have been dangerous!

I get up and do a quick check up. Other than my hand hurting and the usual dull pain on my side, I feel perfectly fine now. I guess, whatever this was, I got it out of my system. **Well then let's have a drink.** … Or how about let's not? The heck am I thinking, that's the last thing I should do after this. Plus Jun is working tonight, I'd rather not see her. **Boring.**

I walk over and knock on the door with my injured hand. Fuck, that hurts! And didn't I just decide not to? I stare at my fist still up. Just now, is it me or … A girl with a Santa's hat and a furry bra opens the door.

"Hi, hum…" What was her name again? She sighs and lets me in. The room is packed with girls making drinks and filling their service plates. Right, Jun did mention that tonight was a busy night.

"Jun's on stage." The girl says, picking up her plate. Good. She gives me a last stern glance and rushes out of the room. _Just don't get in our way_ she clearly meant.

I go grab a bottle of rum on the counter. Someone walks behind me, muttering something to my back. It sounded like an insult. Whatever… I stare at the bottle. Why? I don't want to drink. As a response, my free hand removes the cap and the bottle comes up to my mouth. I start to down the rum. Enough! I try to pull the bottle away, but my arm doesn't obey. The heck?! I pull again with all my strength and this time bang the bottle on the counter. The room becomes silent. I can feel their eyes on me. Tsk, I turn around and rush back outside.

 **No fun.** I can feel the alcohol going down, I better hurry. **And where this time?** Why am I even wondering? I'm going home. **Home? Okay, if** _ **that's**_ **what you want.** What's with that tone, something isn't ri…

My hand turns a knob and a door creaks open. Shit, was I unconscious again? I try to open my eyes, but it's the same as with the bottle, my eyelids won't obey. I step into wherever this is, my shoulder hitting the frame as I get in. My hand follows a wall to another door that it slides open, then fumbles and finds a switch on the wall. The light is turned on as my eyes finally agree to open. Fuck. I said home, but why the hell would I come here?

My bed is still here, but the rest of the room is packed with boxes and junk. My bedroom is being used as a storeroom now. Whatever, it's not like there was any chance I'd come back. I stagger toward the piles of boxes with my name written on them and open one. School books, music charts, clothes … All my stuff has been dumped in these. I toss the box on the floor and open the next one. More of the same crap I don't need anymore. Oh, but this is my chance to take back my harmonica.

I start digging into a bunch of clothes while repressing a yawn. Gosh I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. What time is it? I can't even guess at this point, but it must be late. I close my eyes, I feel that I could fall asleep any sec… The floor behind me cracks and I snap awake. Oh God no. Not that, please.

"For Christ's sake, Yamato." My heart stops. "What are you doing here?" … I should have left right away, why didn't I even think of… "Answer me." My hands still holding a shirt start shaking.

"M-My harm…" A lump in my throat blocks my voice.

"You're drunk, I can smell it from here. You came and stole alcohol the other night, didn't you?" Dad sighs, he sounds tired. "Give me the key." He orders.

I put the shirt back in the box. Two years and the first thing he wants is to get back his key. I can't blame him, but shit does it sting. I grab the key in my pocket, wincing at the pain as my joints rub on the tissue. "What happened to your hand? You got into a fight?" Dad asks in a disabused tone.

 **He thinks you beat up someone again.** Doesn't matter, he might as well. I turn around and finally meet Dad's severe gaze. He hasn't changed at all. Fuck. Don't cry, anything but that. I step forward and drop the key over his stretched hand. "Dad I…" My voice trails off and I just stand there, with my mouth open. What was I even trying to say?

"If you want us to talk, you'll have to come back sober." His voice is harsh. "Now hurry up and find what you're looking for, then leave." He orders, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall beside the door.

"Weren't you…" I stop, of course he wasn't. I turn around and walk back to the boxes. I'm nothing but a disappointment to him. There's no way he would have wasted his time worrying about whether or not I was alright, or even still alive.

 **This is your chance, why are you wasting it?** My old photo album, I toss it back in the box. **This is your chance to get back at him for letting you down.** … **Hey, listen to me.** After the hallucinations, the black outs and my body moving by itself, now my mind is talking to me. I guess I'm really losing it. I'm not sure I care. **Ignore me all you want, but I'm not going anywhere. And let me tell you this, I know you better than yourself. Where do you think all your anger comes from? Your parents, they failed you.** Shut up, I'm the one who failed them. **You were just a kid, you needed…**

"Shut up!" I slap my hand on my mouth. The floor cracks and Dad sighs behind me. He's probably getting ready to kick me out. My hand falls back down. He's really going to let me leave… without even asking me how I'm doing. "You hate me." The words escape my mouth in a whisper.

"Yamato. I'll accept to discuss with you, but only if you're sober and able to remain calm."

"I changed."

"Really." He doesn't even try to hide his skepticism. Of course he wouldn't believe me, I just broke into his place for a second time, drunk and with a bloody hand.

I push the box and open another. My harmonica is right there, sitting on top of a pile of notebooks. It's almost as if it was set there for me. I shove the instrument in my pocket and skim through the books. Right, I used these to scribble ideas and… But now they're all missing a bunch of pages.

"Did you…"

" _That boy_ came by a while ago. He said there was something you had that he wanted back so I let him search the boxes." The notebook bends under my grip.

"You… It's because of you!" **Now that's the spirit.**

"Okay, you get out, now." I turn back to face the man pointing toward the door. That overwhelming, blinding sensation. One, tw… I send the notebook flying across the room. Fuck!

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" I kick a box, punching a hole through it. **Good, let it all out.**

"Get out!" Dad moves forward and tries to grab my arm, but I step back.

"Why didn't you just get rid of my stuff, huh?!" I shove away the piled up boxes, spilling their content all over the floor. "Since I'm dead to you!"

"Don't you start! I gave you plenty of chances, far more than you deserved son, but you crossed the line and let all my efforts to help you go to waste."

"Help me? You never even wanted me to live with you!" Dad freezes. Shit, that's not what I was going to say at all. **I've helped, but just a little.** Mind your own business!

"Why are you saying that?" Dad asks, regaining his composure.

So he plans on playing ignorant. Fine, it doesn't matter, there's no point in digging up the past anyway. I've got my harmonica, nothing is keeping me here anymore. With my key gone it's another tie severed, I'm on a roll. I try to walk past him, but Dad quickly stretches his arm in front of me. "Answer me!"

"It's nothing! Forget what I said." I push the arm away, but Dad grabs my shoulders and pins me against the wall, making me wince.

"No! I know what this is. You're saying that I wasn't a good father. I might not have there for you as much as you wanted me to, but I swear I did the best I could! Being a single father wasn't easy, I had work and…" Tsk, I don't need to hear this bullshit.

"I heard you and Mom fight during the divorce! Every night you argued because neither of you wanted to keep me." Dad's eyes widen. He releases his grip on my shoulders and steps back. **This time you did it yourself, bravo.**

"You heard… Listen, this wasn't an easy situation for us. You should understand that." _You should understand._ I clench my teeth to repress a chuckle. Fuck.

"Really… That's all you find to say? I was just a child for Christ's sake! What I understood back then was that I was being a bother to my own parents! Say what you want, but I wasn't that far off, was I?"

"We didn't know you were listening, otherwise we'd…" Dad stops, he probably realized how futile saying that is. "Anyway, in the end we let you choose who you wanted to live with. You could have stayed with your mother." That's so him, completely missing the point.

"Yeah, you probably wished I would. But how could I, after she kept saying that it'd be too difficult for her to take care of Takeru with me around? Do you realize that I had to choose between being a bother to Mom who had Tk and being a bother to you who only cared about your job? Back then I wished there was an option that didn't make me be a bother to anyone. And the worst part is, it wasn't like I didn't want to live with you." Something hot runs down my cheek. Shit, I look away from Dad's staring eyes.

"…I did the best I could given the situation. You never lacked anything. If it wasn't enough, I'm sorry, but I'm not responsible for you turning the way you did. You did this to yourself. Regardless of what brought you there, you had the choice not to walk down that path. I feel sorry for you, but I'm not ready to forgive you and I can't go through all this again."

A clock is ticking somewhere in the apartment. The tension in my shoulders dissolves. I feel lighter. No, that's not right. I feel empty. **Don't give up now.** I should have just kept my mouth shut. What was I expecting? **Your pain was real.** In the end nothing changed, I'm still the jerk, but I knew that. I knew and still, to hear him confirm it … But he's right, I'm the only one responsible and now I'm simply reaping the consequences.

"Yeah, you're right Dad." I use my sleeve to wipe my face. "I shouldn't be here. I'll leave." I say. Dad doesn't hold me back this time. I reach the front door, but I stop and turn around. "I know I don't have the right to ask but … How's Takeru?"

"He's doing fine." Dad says. "… And you, how are you doing?" He's asking now? Somehow, as an after thought it's even worst. **Tell him you've found a more profitable use for your mouth.**

"Fine." I walk out and close the door behind me. "Merry Christmas Dad."

 **That was fun, where do we go now?** … **Not even home?** … **Oh well.**

* * *

I stop dragging my feet and lean on the the bridge's railing. Sunlight is slowly brightening the sky, which means I've spent most of the night out of it. How the heck did I look like, walking around town unconscious? I couldn't have looked worse than when I'm wasted. I pull the harmonica out of my pocket and give it a spin between my thumb and index. **Stop that, you'll drop it in the river.**

When exactly did I stop carrying it with me? Must be around the time I got serious about doing music. I stretch my arms and rest my forehead on the cold metal. God I'm tired. Too much happened, I can't process any of it, and I don't want to either. I just want to sleep and forget everything … But for that I have to walk all the way back home. Can I even make it?

 **Aren't you even a tiny bit curious about me?** … I think I heard that schizophrenia can develop in the early twenties. **I'm real.** Or maybe it's just the stress, hearing them sing … Fuck I can't think about it, not now.

I bring the harmonica to my mouth. Tsk, it's probably all clogged and rusted and doesn't work anymore. I let my arms fall back on the railing, which causes the metallic instrument to slip from my fingers. My heart jumps as I watch it float over the river, but my hand has already reacted and catches it unnaturally easily. **Warned you.** I put away the harmonica and start walking toward the city. An adrenaline rush, just what I needed. **Where's my thank you? How ungrateful.** Shut up, like I'd thank you, after all the shit you made me go through. **Come on, don't tell me you haven't realized.** Realized what? **That you're feeling better now.** What the… You call that feeling better?! I'm just too tired to feel anything! Tsk. What am I doing, talking back to a freaking voice in my head.

 **Think of it as my welcome gift to you.** … **Ignoring me again, how mean.** … **Now that we can finally communicate with each other.** … **And I was so exited too.** … **It might come as a surprise for you, but I've been watching you for a long time.** … **Of course, not that I cared to watch** _ **everything**_ **, whore.**

"GO AWAY!" Shit I yelled out loud. I look around, I'm the only soul on this bridge.

My eyes follow the only car driving away across the bridge. It's so quiet… Right, this is still just a normal, peaceful Sunday morning. I get off the bridge, walk down the streets slowly animating, reach the fence and slip through. The voice hasn't come back. Good.

I drag my feet on the cracked asphalt. My legs are killing me. Only a couple meters left and I'll be able to slee—

"Yama!" That voice, I turn around. Mimi is running toward me, several shopping bags flapping in her hands. God, what is she think— Of course she slips and the bags fly up, causing a bunch of wrapped presents to rain down. I rush back to the laughing girl and help her get up, then it's almost my turn to fall when she jumps on me for a hug. "I missed you so much!"

"You're back." I say, wrapping my arm around her. Back and safe.

"No, well. Actually I'm just dropping by, since it's Christmas." Silence falls between us. I break off and we start picking up the presents.

"Is everything going alright?" I ask. Judging by the number of presents, she probably has her grip on a rich one. "None of these are for me, right? I told you…"

"I know, don't worry. And yes, everything is going fine." She says, getting up with the bags. Something in her voice … I grab her arm.

"What's wrong? You're in trouble?" I ask, looking her in the eyes.

"Jeez, Yama. How many times will I have to tell you? I swear on my mother's head that I'm fine." Her eyes seem sincere. I take her bags and we start walking. "… But there's something I need to talk to you about." I stop dead. I knew it.

"What is it?"

"Not now, I'll tell you later. By the way you look awful, jeez!" She starts looking me up and down. "Where did you spend the night— Your hand! What happened to your hand?" She reaches for it, but I pull away.

"It's nothing." I'm too tired to think of a better lie. Instead I pick up the pace.

"Last night you went to the concert, didn't you?" Mimi asks behind me as we're reaching our place.

"Yeah"

"Are you alright?"

"… Yeah." I push the door and walk into a mess.

The table and fire barrels have been tipped over, ashes and all our food supply are scattered all over the floor.

"What happened here?" Mimi passes by me and rushes toward the tents.

Useless, I can already tell that no one is here. I still drop the bags and walk to my tent. I push the sheet and look at the empty bed. The towel I tossed on it before we left yesterday is still there. Taichi didn't sleep here last night. I turn around and walk back toward the center. Mimi is there, bending over the couch. She pulls one of the cushions and digs out a crying kitten.

"Must be hungry." I point out. I look at the spilled powder on the ground. Jou's been obsessed with sterilization, he'd probably kill me if I fed Kuro with that.

"Yama." I look up to a worried Mimi staring at me. She walks over and wraps her free arm around me. "I'm sure everyone's fine." She gently rests her head over my shoulder. "You're as white as a sheet. Stay with me okay? They're probably just gone to get some food or— Oh God." Mimi's nails plant in my skin. "Yamato, there's blood on the floor."

My mind finally clears up and my chest tightens as the situation sinks in.

* * *

Mimi approaches the front desk while I look around the waiting room. No one's here. I glance back, the busy nurses are completely ignoring Mimi. Tsk. I slip into the corridor I walked out from the last time I was here.

"Excuse me sir!" A woman immediately calls and steps start echoing behind me. Tsk. I hurry and turn into the observation room, just to bump into somebody. Shit!

"Is there a problem young man?" The man asks, gripping my shoulders and pulling me back.

"My friends, they might be here." I look up and recognize the doctor from last time.

"You." The man looks over my shoulder. "It's fine, I'll take care of this." He tells the nurse and before I can protest he grabs my arm and drags me back in the corridor. Instead of turning toward the entrance though, we head the other way and after a series of turns we enter a small lounge.

"Your friend's here." The doctor says to the deserted room, then a head pops up from the other side of one of the couches. Jou's face illuminates with relief when he sees me.

I look around, he's alone. "What's going on? Where's everyone?" For a second Jou looks puzzled. He gets up and walks over.

"I can't stay Jou, I'll leave him in your care. There should be everything you need for his hand in the cabinet over there." The doctor says, freeing my arm.

Jou nods, then looks down and his eyes widen. "What happened?" He asks. The doctor gives me a couple pats on the back and then we're left alone in the quiet room.

"So? What's going on?" I push again, nearing my limit, but Jou is already heading for the cabinet.

"Sora didn't tell you?" I grab the back of his shirt and pull him back to me.

"Fuck Jou! Forget about that and tell me what's going on already! I came back this morning just to find that our place had been wrecked and no one was there! And then we find freaking blood on the floor, whose blood is that?!"

"Shh, calm down. You'll get us kicked out." Jou forces me to sit down. "I assumed you knew we were here because you met with Sora." I open my mouth, but he stops me with his hand. "Last night we all went out together, but Koushiro and Taichi returned home first, then Sora and I came back less than an hour later. When we arrived, we found Koushiro unconscious on the floor with his head injured so we immediately brought him here."

"How is he?"

"He's stable. He apparently only received a small blow, but even small cuts on the head tend to bleed a lot." Jou looks down at my hand. "They're still performing tests on him right now … They're trying to figure out why he hasn't woken up yet."

"Is that bad?"

Jou adjusts his glasses, his gaze still fixed on my hand. "They don't know, we'll have to wait until they've done all the tests."

"And Taichi? Is he with Sora? How is he?" I ask. Jou frowns.

"He wasn't there." The blood in my veins turns cold. "Sora is looking for him, but …"

"What do you mean, he wasn't there?"

"There was no sign of him when we came back. Yamato …" Jou finally looks up from my hand and stares me in the eyes. "There was no sign of first aid performed on Koushiro either." Is he… "I know you won't like this, but it's possible they had a fight and he—"

"No way! You know Taichi wouldn't do something like that!"

"Shh! I know it sounds crazy, and I hope I'm wrong but … If you think about it, we barely know anything about that kid."

"We don't know much about K either! Maybe it was self-defense!" Koushiro's laughing face flashes in my mind and guilt kicks in. It's not that I don't trust … Fuck. "No, I'm sure something else happened, maybe some bums broke into our place. Whatever happened, if Taichi is missing that means he's in trouble. I going to look for him." I say, getting up.

"Let me take care of your hand first." Jou says, reaching out for my arm.

"There's no time for that!"

Jou's hand barely brushes my clothes before I push him away. He looks at me with wide eyes as he falls backward, but thankfully he lands safely on the couch.

"Sor… I didn't…" Shit, this is too much, I can't.

"It's alright. Yamato, you seem exhausted. You need to…" I don't let him finish and rush out of the room.

Hey … Hey! You're still there? Come on, stupid voice! **Oh,** _ **now**_ **you're talking to me.** Do you know where Taichi is? **What makes you think I would?** Tsk. Right, what was I thinking.

I reach the exit and step outside. For now I'll go back to our place and start searching from there. **That's it? No begging for my help?** What did I just do, like I needed that now. **Suit yourself, but just so you know, you'll probably be too late.**

* * *

" _Is this also one of your brother's song?" I ask, leaning closer to his ear, but Takeru keeps fixing the stage, his furrowed eyebrows giving him an unusual serious look. "Hey, Tk!" I touch his arm and he finally turns to me. "This song, is it really your brother's?" I almost yell. He stares at me, his eyes betraying his confusion._

" _I never heard it." He finally answers. "It's not a Teenage Wolves song, but … There's no doubt my brother wrote it." He bits his lip. "And I'm sure it wasn't meant to be sung." I leaned closer in time to catch him mumble that last part._

 _The crowd surrounding us is dancing to the surprisingly upbeat music which clashes with the rather angsty lyrics. Daisuke is on fire, too busy being his usual oblivious self to notice the heavy atmosphere surrounding Takeru._

"… _I do my best when night comes, I plug my ears and ignore the voice, the one whispering you're not loved."_

 _Takeru's shoulders convulses as he draws a quick shuddering breath. Okay, this is bad. I take the paling boy's hand and fight my way out of the crowd._


	13. Taichi, exposed

The Yagami's apartment. Saturday morning, December 24th.

* * *

"Hikari, answer the door!" Mom yells. It must be him anyway. I sigh and roll out of bed.

"I'm not going." I say as I open the door. Takeru smiles, totally unphased.

"Good morning to you too. Can I come in?" He asks. I could just say no and close the door. As if. I leave the door open and walk away. Takeru follows me, but stops in front of Taichi's bedroom. "Good morning Mrs Yagami."

Mom mumbles a greeting barely audible over the noise of her scrubbing the floor.

"She's still cleaning the room, huh." He says, joining me in the kitchen.

"Yeah. Even though it's not filthy anymore, she just keeps scrubbing and wiping and dusting everywhere. And everyday she changes the bedding and even does his laundry. I don't know what's going through her head, but if she thinks it's going to ease her guilty conscience … I'd say it's years too late for her to start pretending to give a damn about her estranged son." Urg, what's the expression again? Something about a pot and a kettle. I stop in front of the fridge and grab the tickets.

"And your father?" Takeru asks, ignoring my stretched hand holding the tickets.

"The old man is acting like a zombie. Goes to work, comes back, eats, sleeps. He barely talks." I say, flapping the pieces of paper in front of Tee's face. His gaze grows concerned.

"He hasn't relapsed, right?" He asks. I shake my head.

"Tee, I'm really not in the mood to go tonight."

"Going out will be good for you." He says. He's probably right, he went through this too. "Plus you can't let me down on our Christmas date." He wryly adds. I poke his side.

"Why don't you use my ticket and invite one of the girls drooling all over you at school?"

"That would be mean. If I invite one, the others will lynch her." He says, managing to make me chuckle.

"How come I'm still alive then?"

"You probably have Daisuke to thank for that." Tee says with a smirk.

"Here, take them." I try again, stretching my arm in front of him. He smiles pensively, his fingers mindlessly scratching his cheek below the scar.

"Please come." He finally begs. "It's not just for you, I need you there."

… Right. "They're really going to use the songs your brother wrote?" He nods. "Do you think he knows?"

"I'm not sure, but I have a feeling he does. He's been singing less and less lately." Takeru smiles too late to completely hide the shadow passing through his eyes. "Oh, by the way. Can you show me a picture of your brother?" He asks out of the blue.

My stomach squeezes. "Why?"

"I thought I could keep an eye out for him." He says.

Showing him will be faster. I drag him to the living room and let him sit while I grab one of the photo albums on the shelving unit. I drop the book on his lap and plop on the couch beside him.

"… When did he do that?" He asks after flipping through some pages.

I shrug. "We don't know." I watch Tee's finger follow the edge of the hole in one of the pictures. "To tell you the truth … I'm not even sure I would recognize him." Okay, that's probably an overstatement. Takeru doesn't react, he continues to look at the disfigured photographs, but I know he's all ears. "It's weird, it's like we suddenly got slapped on the face by reality. Like, how the heck could we have let this go on for so long? I think we … simply grew used to it and, well, we just went on with our lives. As long as Taichi stayed in his room, we knew he was alr… there, so…" Just a bunch of excuses for ignoring him.

When did Dad stop banging on the door every nights for him to come eat with us? When did Mom stop telling him that the bath was ready? When did they stop trying to convince him to get his life back together? When did I stop talking with my brother? When was the last time I looked him in the eyes?

"You're lucky, you know your brother is alright." I mumble.

"I'm sure your brother is too. He's somewhere, busy figuring out how to get back on his feet. We'll come back when he's ready." It might be Tee's own wishful thinking for his brother, but I can't help it and let his unfailing optimism rub on me.

"Don't you ever get the urge to talk with your brother? You might convince him to go back to living a normal life."

"It doesn't work with my brother, believe me I tried." He says. My gaze drifts to his scar. "He has to figure things out by himself."

"Yeah, plus he might hurt you ag… Sorry."

Tee smiles and points at the scar. "That was an accident. I'm the one who drove him into a corner so, in a way, it's my fault that he left." He explains.

I take the album from his lap and turn a couple pages, glancing over the pictures. Takeru never told me exactly what happened the night his brother left, but cornered or not, I still think it's unacceptable that he was hurt for trying to help that guy. Although I'm not sure what's worse, a scar or a guilty conscience for having done exactly zilch … I spot a photo that used to be of Taichi and me when I was a baby. He cut around me, which left his small arms tightly wrapped around me.

Takeru's phone goes off. He sighs after reading the text.

"What did he do again?" I ask.

"He's supposed to do a delivery, but the guy is in the middle of a bad trip and won't let him in. He's asking me to go help." That idiot, why can't he just work at a convenience store like a normal teenager.

"Don't, Daisuke is never going to wake up from his little yakuza fantasies if you help him every time." I say, but Takeru stares pensively at the phone. "Please … In exchange I'll go to the stupid concert." He looks up and flashes me with a triumphant smile.

"We have a deal then." He texts something. "There. I told him you said he'll get a kiss on the cheek if he asks someone else to deal with the delivery." He gets a response and laughs. "He fell for it again."

"Or maybe he secretly wants you to kiss him." I tease, making him laugh even more.

* * *

Taichi. Saturday evening, December 24th.

* * *

"Think fast!" Something soft hits the back of my head. "Ouah, so slow." Koushiro laughs. I grab the filthy looking plush on the ground and toss it back to him. The sides of his bomber hat fly up as he plunges back behind his cover.

I move a garbage bag and uncover a pile of tied up newspapers. _Another marked body._ The title in bold is accompanied by an inset picture of the victim overlapping a photo of a park surrounded by yellow strips. I heard about this, apparently the cause of these deaths is still unknown. I take a closer look at the smiling girl on the picture. So young, she seems to be in her late teens, maybe the same age as Hikari, although the picture is dated over a year ago. Why use an old…

I notice the projectile out of the corner of my eye and shield myself with my arm. A sneak attack, huh? I try to send it back faster, and miserably fail. Maybe I should kick it next time. Uncalled-for memories pop up, bringing along with them a nostalgic tingle in my legs. Yeah, let's not.

"Found anything?" Sora asks from the other side of the apartment complex dumping area.

I shake my head, it's just a bunch of trash. The way they talked, I imagined we'd find a lot, but I guess people don't throw away all their good stuff just because it's the end of the year. Sora helps Jou uncover a couple boxes looking more promising than the garbage bags. Those two are forming quite the odd pair. He's totally fitting in with his check jacket over layers of sweaters and she, well, looks like a city girl who was ready for a night out but somehow got lost on her way.

"Gah!" Jou jumps away from a box he just opened. Sora leans over the trash.

"What the?" She looks closer. "Taichi! Koushiro! Come see this."

I approach the two leaning over the box. Sora plunges her hand in the box and pulls out an abomination. She presses somewhere and the half melted, half burned thing starts shaking and emitting an evil gurgle. We all freeze until what might have been a doll stops, then we burst out laughing.

"Just the fact that it's still working creeps me out but, that eye." Sora says, staring at the only eyeball left, stuck deep inside the side of the plastic head that caved in. "I don't think I'll be able to sleep alone tonight."

"Seriously, the kid who did this has serious issues." Jou states. "I wouldn't want to be left alone in a room with them."

"Come on Jou, don't tell me you never experimented with fire when you were a kid." Sora says, playing with a hole on the torso.

"Of course not." Jou adjusts his glasses. "I never had access to matches or lighters."

"I tried to make a treasure map once." Sora and Jou both turn and look at me as one. Urg, stop it with these taken aback reactions whenever I speak up! I know I don't often do, but still. "Y-You know, like the old looking pirates ones. Of course I panicked and dropped the paper as soon as it caught on fire. The table ended up with a big burn mark." My story makes Sora giggle, but as expected Jou frowns.

"I hope you got a good scolding for that." He says.

I nod. "My mother made me promise not to play with fire ever again, but after that we made another map together." She probably meant to show me that I didn't have to try doing this kind of stuff in secret.

"Your Mom seems cool." Sora points out, sounding a tad envious.

"Yeah but, I was five back then." It was before Dad became alcoholic and she had to support the family all by herself … And that time I just hurt the table.

Sora smiles. "Yeah, I know what you mean." She tosses the doll back in its box.

She does? I watch her pick up a cracked bicycle helmet. Maybe she has a strained relationship with her mother, but I never heard her talk about her family. No one does actually. Do they still keep contact with them? I only know Yamato doesn't. No one suggested that I contact my family either, but since they think I'm a minor, maybe they're just afraid to get in trouble.

My family … It's been three weeks already, should I let them know that I'm fine? But calling is out of question, and dropping a note too, I don't want to risk running into them. I could send them a postcard. Yeah, I'll send them one for new year. It's perfect, that way if they don't care they'll simply think of it as a normal greeting.

Jou glances down at his new watch. "It's getting late. We should start thinking about heading back soon."

"Jeez, if we go back now, that would mean today was a complete waste of time. Because of a certain broody blond I took the day off, but it was for nothing so I'd like to at least bring back _something_." Jou opens his mouth but she stops him. "I mean other than dated books and toys for Kuro."

"Sorry." They both turn to me. "Maybe I should have tried to convince him to stay."

Sora shakes her head. "Nah, you did fine letting him go. If Yamato promised he'll be back soon, I'm sure he will." She reassures.

I glance at the street. Yeah, he promised but … My face heats up. What took over me back there?! I can't believe I acted like such a spoiled brat. And all the embarrassing stuff I said, he must have thought I was being so weird! Dammit, how am I supposed to face him now when he comes back? Oh. Right.I guess I don't need to worry about facing him. He sees me as a kid, he's probably just brushing aside all these stupid quirks of mine. I scrape some dirt off my pink sleeve. I've been pretty convincing lately, haven't I? And I don't even need to act. It feels so natural, soon I might even start forgetting for real that I'm—

"Taichi? You look dazed, are you feeling sick?" Jou asks.

"Ah, yes. No! No, I'm fine." The two stare at me, clearly not buying it. "It's nothing, I was just recalling when Yamato left earlier." I say.

I did act like a brat but, thinking back, I couldn't help but react that way. The moment I saw him standing behind me, the sunset casting such a long shadow beside him, all I could think of was this is it, he's leaving again, and this time he might not be coming back. _Fleeting_. Oh. Somehow, that word, it perfectly … stirs up something inside and my eyes start to burn. I slap my cheeks.

"Hey, hey." Sora grabs my hands. "Did something happen with Yamato?" She asks. _I want to know EXACTLY what that brat did to Yama!_ I look away from her inquiring gaze.

"I didn't do … I was worried that he might not come back like last time and I-I think I overreacted." I bit my lip. "I wanted him to make a promise that he couldn't break and that movie just popped up in my head. In it the two sisters slice their hands and…" Jou jumps on his feet and rips my hands off Sora's, then sighs in relief. "Of course he stopped me. We settled with a kiss instead."

A sudden gush of wind causes Sora's hair to fly in front of her face. The locks slowly fall back to place as a car drives by behind her. The engine's rolling noise gently fades off.

"Well, _that_ was certainly better than cutting your hands." Jou points out. "I don't see Koushiro, he must be lazying around somewhere. Can you go check on him Taichi?" He asks and I nod.

I head to the corner where the jerk was fooling around earlier. Is it just me or, did the mood get a bit awkward back there? I jump across some garbage bags and lean over a tilting dresser. He's behind it, curled up tightly against the wall. "Koushiro?" His head jolts up from his arms, then his eyes waver around for a moment before he settles with a glare directed at me. What, is he mad just because I woke him up? Talk about mood swings, where did all his annoying cheerfulness go?

"What do you want?" His voice is hoarse.

I get around the dresser and squat down to his height. He looks away as his hand moves to scratch his arm. "Did you take too much?" I wonder out loud. He rolls his eyes and doesn't answer. Sweat is dripping from his forehead and his shoulders keep tensing up. Something isn't right. "I'll go get Jou." I start getting up, but he grips my arm and pulls me down, making me kneel right beside him.

"Nothing's wrong, okay?" He says, approaching his face to mine. His eyes aren't cold, but there's no light in them.

"You don't look well." As if to prove my point, a light groan escapes his mouth.

"It's fine, it'll pass. Remember, if you say anything I'll tell on you." He warns. That threat again.

"If you're trying to scare…" His knowing stare shuts me up and knots form in my stomach. My body understood something that I haven't yet, or maybe that I'm too afraid to.

"Just stay here for a bit, then we'll go home together." He says, releasing me. "You wouldn't let me walk back alone, right Kitty?" Only his tone of voice is light, his face is dead serious.

I obey and lean against the dresser. He closes his eyes and falls back against the wall. He's still scratching his arm. At least he's not mumbling this time.

Sure enough, whatever this was does pass after a couple minutes. Koushiro pulls himself up and signs me to do the same. I follow behind as he walks to Jou and Sora discussing together. Apparently Jou wasn't _that_ worried about Koushiro.

"… I could start by volunteering at the animal shelter, you know, to…"

"Guys! Kitty is tired so I'm bringing him back to our place." Koushiro cuts Jou who turns his attention to us.

"Really. Since when do you need to find excuses? Just say so if you don't want to stay." Jou snarls to Koushiro who just laughs it off. "You want to go back Taichi?" He asks, studying me. I nod, although I'm not sure why I'm obeying the junkie. "Are you sure you're alright? Tell me if you're feeling sick."

Koushiro growls. "He's fine _Dad_ , plus he'll be with me."

Jou manages to clearly convey his distrust only through his gaze, to which Koushiro responds with another laugh. Might just be me but, this time his laugh sounded off.

"Bring some stuff back with you." Sora says, her back turned. She's busy messing with a broken lamp.

Koushiro snickers as he grabs the cat tree Jou literally jumped in excitement when he found. I can't help but smile, that was quite the sight indeed. Jou hands me a shopping bag he filled with books. We say goodbye and I run up to Koushiro who's already crossing the street, the cat tree tossed over his shoulder.

We walk down the empty street in silence. Well, almost. For some reason Koushiro never ties his boots, so with each step they fall off his feet and scrape the asphalt. Every step. Toc scrape, toc scrape, toc scrape, toc scrape. It'd fit perfectly in a horror movie, I can see the victim hiding and growing more scared as the killer slowly approaches. Toc scrape, toc scrape, toc scrape, toc scr—

"Woof!" The bag drops on the ground and Koushiro yells in surprise as I collide with him, making us stumble together.

"Don't tell me you're even scared of dogs." He says after we managed to regain our footing. I shake my head, then stretch down my shaky hand to pick up the bag, but he brushes my hand away and grabs the handle. "The dog is inside a house." He adds as we hit back the road.

No joke about Kitty being scared of the dog? Him not making fun of me somehow feels … unsettling.

I follow slightly behind, all of a sudden very aware it's the first time I'm _completely_ alone with this guy. Not that I should worry but, should I? He's been acting different with me when we're alone together, like the night Yamato and I had a fight. That time was scary, the things he said and the way he grabbed me, he didn't get violent but since he was hi— Oh.

"You're not high." I realize.

"I'm not always high." Koushiro simply responds.

… Then again, he has been surprisingly nice to me a couple times too.

We reach the fence and slip inside the prohibited area. Another street lamp stopped lighting up. I stick close to Koushiro as we step into the darker part of the road.

"Say Taichi," Koushiro begins, "nothing troubling happened to you lately?" Huh? Well, him calling me by my name happened. I glance sideways, but it's too dark for me to see his expression. "Like not feeling yourself or something like that." He explains.

"I don't think so? I'm not sure I understand though."

"Don't worry, you would if it was the case." He says. "That's good, but strange too. You're the epitome of flawed." He casually adds as we reach a lit up street lamp.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, an epitome is—"

"I know what epitome means!" I stop walking. "Yeah I'm flawed, but did you take a look at yourself?!" Koushiro stops too and turns back to me.

"You're talking back to me, that's new." The jerk smiles, like this is making him super happy.

"What are you smiling for? Junkie!" My insult only makes him smile more.

"Because the sooner you grow some balls the better. I have enough trouble as it is. Anyway let's hurry up, I'm cold." He turns around and starts walking away.

What the … Like _I_ 've been a hassle to him, he's the one who's always coming up and messing with me! I plant my shaking fists inside my pockets. Why does it bother him that I don't have any guts or whatever? The others don't, so why would it be any different with _him_?

Koushiro stops once he reaches the next street lamp and glances behind. He's waiting for me. The bag I was supposed to carry must feel really heavy by now. I don't get him. I just don't, and it's pissing me off so much! _I'll tell on you._ Tell what?! What can he possibly know that I wouldn't want the others to—

A single, heavy pound pumps life out of my body.

He couldn't … How? … The darkness starts growing between our two light circles. No … Mine is floating away … All the street lights go out.

* * *

Something moves on my chest, then a couple claws dig into the skin of my neck up to my chin. I open my eyes and Kuro's face appears. His tiny tongue scraps the tip of my nose before he continues to half-crawl, half-walk up my face.

"Careful, if he goes in your hair we might lose him." Very funny. I grab the kitten and sit up on the couch. Koushiro is stirring something in a pan. Smells like beans. "It's almost ready. I can't believe you passed out on me outside. I couldn't let you nap in the snow so I carried you here, but thank God we were almost arrived, and that you're anor… lightweight." He glances over. I look away and finish fitting the toque back over my hair. "What happened? You felt ill or something? Jou did seem worried earlier, you should have said so if you weren't feeling well." He grabs a bowl on the table. "Have you eaten today? But you were with Yamato, I'm sure he'd shove the food down your throat if necessary." He fills the bowl way too much and drops in a spoon and a slice of bread before bringing it to me. "Here, big Kitty's meal." He grabs and drops Kuro on my lap before forcing the bowl in my hands.

I stare at the food. I'm not hungry. At all. I toss the slice of bread in the fire barrel and Koushiro clicks his tongue. Is he trying to act like Yamato? He fills another bowl, then comes back and sits beside me.

"So? What happened?" He asks again.

"A panic attack." I mumble.

"Really? I don't think people usually pass out from those." He points out. I shrug, what difference does it make to him. "Anyway, Jou said he'd be back soon. For now you should eat." I toss the bowl in the fire barrel. "… Well _that_ was straightforward." Koushiro brings a spoonful to his mouth. "Don't tell me you're finally going through your adolescent crisis." He adds before stuffing his mouth. _Finally._ His words might have a whole other meaning now.

If he knows, that would mean we met before. But that would have to be at least over three years ago, why would he remember me? I glance at the short redheaded twenty years old guy busy chewing his food. I don't, but my memories tend to be hazy. Still, I can be completely wrong, his threat might have nothing to do with my real age. But I can't confirm it by asking him what his threat is about. I don't want to risk breaking the spell here. If I'm right and he does know, won't it be fine as long as he continues pretending he doesn't? Urg, but to think that all this time he might have known that I'm older …

"You must think I'm pathetic." The words come out on their own.

"Like I can judge you." I turn sideways, Koushiro finished eating already and is now facing me with his crossed legs on the couch. "I know you won't believe it but, earlier I didn't mean to insult you." Right, and what about all the other times? "Let's be honest, we all know that of all of us here I'm the worst, right?" He adds in a light hearted, self depreciating tone.

"So you admit _you're_ the epitome of flawed." I say. Dammit, I do sound like a teen in crisis.

"Ah ah, yup, that's what I'm trying to say." Koushiro yanks his bomber hat off his head and falls back. "That and s…" He drops the furry hat over his face, trapping in the last word. I don't get him.

It's quiet, now that Koushiro is done talking. The fires are crackling, but other than that nothing, not even a single gush of wind whistling through the broken windows. Peacefully quiet.

Kuro is nibbling on my finger. I gently pull on the skin of his neck. It's been less than a week, but he's already bigger. Soon enough he'll start running around. He'll even sneak out and explore the whole area, expand his territory. Maybe he'll bring us back trophies from his hunts. He'll grow more independent, disappearing for days at a time, sometimes weeks, he might even leave one day and never come back.

Koushiro would surely tease that the worse happened, but I'd know that Kuro simply explored a little too long, a little too far. Would he sometimes look behind and miss the warmth of this place? He might even decide he wants to come back. He'd turn around and run for a while, then slowly come to a stop, remembering that he doesn't know the way back anymore. What would he feel, nostalgia or maybe regret? Standing there, alone, he might wail his grief … still hoping deep inside that we hear him.

"Argh, fuck!" Koushiro growls. Another mood swing.

"Now you're swearing like him." I turn away as he removes the hat from his face.

"What's that supposed … Jeez, what are you crying for now?" Dammit.

"Nothing." Why am I even staying here with this guy?

I place Kuro on the couch and get up, just to trip after two steps on Jou's bag and fall on all four, barely missing to hit a barrel. Dammit! I push myself up on my knees, then reach up to hold onto—

"DON'T!" I freeze and look back at Koushiro as he jumps off the couch. "Are you stupid?!" He slaps my hand away from the barrel. Inside a piece of wood crackles. That was a close one. "What is it with you? You need to hurt yourself too now?" He almost yells.

What's that supposed to mean? And why is he angry, the one who'd be hurt is just me! He sighs and slides his hands under my arms. "I'll get up myself." I say, but he doesn't listen and pulls me up anyway. As soon as I'm on my feet I start pulling away from him, expecting him to release me, but he doesn't. Instead he locks his arms around me. "Let me go." I order.

Koushiro doesn't move, but it's his silence that plunges me into panic mode. "LET ME GO!" I start struggling and kicking around, but it's like I'm attached to a pole. The barrel makes a loud dong noise and Jou's bag spills its content on the floor.

"Hey … Ouah, time off! Calm down for a second!" His grip around me tightens.

"Let me go!" I gasp out and plant my nails in his hands. I hear him wince as he removes one of his hands, but instead of letting me go he covers my eyes.

"Will you calm down?! I want to talk to you!" I try to hit his side with my elbow. "For crying out loud … YAGAMI!"

The name has the effect of a knife thrusting into my chest. I stop struggling. No, please, not this.

"Listen, I really need to talk to you, so just calm down, okay?"

"Please … don't." Breathing is getting harder, but I have to say it.

"Taichi, I swear I just…"

"Don't make me lose my place here, please." I beg.

There's a silence. I sniff and wait, wetting his palm. Koushiro finally sighs. "What place?" He gives me back my sight and push my head down, forcing me to look at the floor. "Do you know what these are?"

The books on the floor, they're all "… middle school manuals."

"Exactly, and can you guess why Jou collected these? I heard Yamato discuss it with him the other night. They're looking into how they can help you complete at least your compulsory education. Is that really the place you want to keep?" I stare at the books Jou took the time to pick up tonight, he seemed so satisfied with what he had found.

They've been having these kind of discussions about me. They've been worrying about me, about my future. They've been wanting to help me. Somehow, I should be happy, but … They're wasting their time. The _me_ they're trying to help isn't real. The teen they think they've picked up isn't real. They don't know me. They don't even know me. Koushiro is right, what place? Like there's one for a fraud like me.

"It's been bothering me for a while, what are you getting from this? I mean, following Yamato around, wearing pink clothes and acting like a helpless kid, does doing all that make you feel better about yourself?"

"I don't know." I don't know anymore. Why did it feel so right?

"You're so different. You must have been through a lot to be the way you are now, I get that, but you used to be so bright, outgoing. I was looking up to you, you know?"

"Who…"

"Oh, so you're finally interested. We were in the same soccer club in elementary school. Sora was there too but don't worry, she doesn't remember you either. After the attacks both our families moved away and we all lost touch."

The soccer club … So he knew me from back then. Of course he'd look down on me now. He loosened his grip around me, I easily pull away from him and start rushing toward the tent. How stupid. I shift to the front door.

"Hey!" He catches up to me and blocks my path midway. "Where do you think you're going? I hope you're not—"

"Of course I'm leaving." I try to get around him, but he grabs my arm. "Dammit, why do you care? You said yourself that I shouldn't be here!"

"I never said that! Jeez, just listen, okay! I'm not judging you. Like I said, it's obvious you went through a lot. I get that! Believe me, I do." Koushiro swallows after his rushed speech. His expression, with his wide averted eyes and tight lips, I didn't think he could show this much emotions.

"Then why do you act like a jerk?" I ask.

"It's not because I want to!" Koushiro's grip starts to hurt. "I know that I often come off as a cold prick, but it's not like I enjoy it or anything. I just … I can't interact well with people. I don't know why, but socializing rarely worked out for me. As a kid I used to make up for it by being polite but it didn't help much, I just _politely_ put people off. And then I realized that it was much easier to just keep my distance and act like I don't care. But I never wanted to be mean." He seems to realize he's hurting me and loosen up his grip, but doesn't free my arm. "You won't believe me, but most of the time when I joke around, it's just me trying to be friendly."

"… No kidding." I say, making the other boy chuckle.

Koushiro tosses his hat on the ground and runs his free hand through his slightly damp hair. His gaze has been drifting around, setting anywhere but on my eyes. He does seem awkward, that and now that I look at him, so young to be a … He's younger than me, that fact I always brushed aside comes back and slaps me on the face.

"You're not the only one, you know … I've isolated myself for half my life. Not that I was a shut-in like you, I went to school, but I spent all my free time in front of my computer. And by free time I mean that I barely slept and skipped classes to hide in the toilet stall with my laptop. It started as a hobby, although I admit that it partly was a form of escapism, but I never meant to become this obsessed. So obsessed that when I finally reconnected with reality, high school was over and I had no good memory of it, I had no friend either, even my parents were strangers to me and I had now this … I did try changing myself when I began college last spring, but you can guess how well that worked out." He snickers. "The only thing I managed to change is what I'm addicted to."

The boy shifts his weight around. His grip on my arm now feels more like he's clutching onto me rather than holding me back. He's trying to connect with me, that's why he's telling me all this. I'm glad he's opening up, but why now?

"At least you tried." I point out. "But instead of _changing yourself_ , I think it'd be better if you break it off and start with smaller goals like…"

"That's not … It's probably too late for me now anyway." His eyes lose their light again, just like outside when he wasn't well. And his tone … I don't like this.

"What do you mean?"

Koushiro looks away, his lips shut tight. The air around us is becoming heavier. He's afraid of something, and he's trying to hide it from me. He runs his free hand across his face.

"There's no time, but nothing is going like it should. You're all so troublesome, somehow each of you managed to lose it, especially you, but Mimi too. I couldn't get through to her, it'll be a miracle if she finds it back in time. And that's not the only problem … But for that part I'm pretty useless, I can't even tell what yours or the others is, or even how close you guys are to trigger the bond. The only one I can safely guess is Yamato with his anger issues, and even then I can't tell how close he could be. To be honest until now I was certain you were a lost cause in both ways." A sad chuckle escapes Koushiro's mouth, then his chin dips into his chest. "Taichi … I think I've completely messed up."

I'm lost. I have no idea what's going on, no idea what Koushiro is talking about, but the boy in front of me is genuinely upset. I place my free hand on his shoulder. "What did you mess up? Maybe if you explain it to us we'll be able to help." Koushiro chuckles.

"That's exactly what I messed up. I should have told you guys sooner, then maybe things would have worked out, but how was I supposed to? No one would have believed it, especially not coming from someone like me, and I couldn't risk alienating everyone. That's why my safest option was to keep to myself."

"You can't be sure…" He chuckles again.

"You can see for yourself. What if I tell you that I'm a freak conspiracy theorist obsessed by a digital dimension populated by monsters like those that attacked us ten years ago? Even better, that I have one of them in my head who's pushing me around for the sake of this desperate plan to save their world that somehow involves all of us because believe it or not, us gathering here isn't a coincidence? Oh and I almost forgot, we don't have a choice because if we don't we'll—" Koushiro is interrupted by the door opening.

We both turn toward the entrance expecting to see Jou and Sora, but Koushiro's grip on my arm tightens as we instead watch stumble inside a filthy looking guy wearing an over sized green army jacket. The plywood covered door slams shut and the wobbling stranger stops, hunched over with his long, greasy hair casting a shadow on his face. I instinctively move closer to Koushiro.

"He looks high as hell." Koushiro whispers. "Taichi, stay back and be ready to run out through the back exit, understood?" He waits until I nod, then releases my arm and steps forward. "Hey, can I help you man?" He greets the intruder with a smile.

As a response, the guy's body is struck with a series of twitches, almost like a pee dance. It would be funny, if it weren't so disturbing. The guy's head jolts back, then tilts sideways toward us. Slowly, as if with exaggerated application, he moves his hand up and pushes the strands of hair away from his deep pink face, revealing a pair of wide glassy eyes staring us down. I gasp. Over his loosely gaped mouth, his nose is completely black. Frostbitten? His chapped lips twist into a crooked smile. He mutters something and chuckles.

Koushiro casually slides over and stands between me and the guy, shielding me from him. Why? He knows I'm not a kid, and wasn't he complaining earlier that I'm too wussy? I peek at the back exit, if I leave I could go get Jou and Sora, but wouldn't that take too long? And considering the guy's state, couldn't we just take off together?

The intruder stops chuckling and returns to staring at Koushiro with this weird discombobulated expression. The guy's completely out of it. He looks older, maybe in his late thirties? It's hard to tell, life definitely took its toll on the guy's body.

"By the way, if you have the munchies there's food over there." Koushiro points at the table.

The guy follows the stretched finger and turns toward the center. At least he understands what Koushiro says. He walks to the table, grabs a box of crackers and starts inspecting it. His head is still tilting around because of his neck and shoulders contracting. He mumbles and tosses the box on the ground, picks another and repeats his examination, now ignoring us. Great, of course Koushiro would know how to deal with a junkie.

I sneak up to Koushiro's side. He's observing the intruder, his jaw set and lips pressed flat. He doesn't look relieved at all, he's even more tense. Oh, I know this feeling. He's watching him just like I did with Dad, when I couldn't quite tell yet what kind of mood the drunk man was in. Anyway, now would be a good time to slip out.

"Koushiro, shouldn't we-ah." Dammit I forgot. I turn to look at the couch where Kuro is nap— Out of the corner of my eyes I see the table tip over, then Kuro jumping as all the boxes, cans and utensils clatter on the ground. My hand finds and latch onto Koushiro's clothes. The stranger laughs and claps his hands, then sets his eyes on the barrels.

"H-Hey, dude. Come on, why are you doing this?" Koushiro is trying to keep a calm and friendly attitude, but his voice is shaking.

"Aah … AH AH AH!" The intruder steps over the table with surprising ease. "I was TIRED! Waiting and … WAAAIting." His penetrating voice sends chills down my spine.

"Okay. If you tell me what you're waiting for, then maybe I can help." Koushiro unlatch my hand and steps forward, shielding me again. He puts one hand on his back, points the back exit and waves me to go.

"AAaah AH! The right TIIIIme. I was supposed to WAIT!" The guy starts banging his forehead with his palm.

I receive another pressing sign to get out, but my legs refuse to move. My eyes keep shifting from the couch to the junkie only a couple feet away. Koushiro sighs.

"They told you to wait for the right time, and then what?"

The guy's hand freezes midway and he stares back at Koushiro. His mouth twists into a smirk, then he kicks down a barrel, creating a thick curtain of smoke and ashes that momentarily hides him.

The addict reappears holding a half burned piece of wood. He mumbles to himself while inspecting the stick … He's not planning on using it as a weapon, right? He seems satisfied and takes a step in our direction, but then stops and listens. It finally reaches my ear, Kuro's frantic meowing, just as the guy turns toward the couch.

"Taichi I got it get out!" Koushiro must have read my mind, but I'm already dashing toward the center.

Only a feet away from reaching the couch, something grips my clothes and pulls me back. I lose my footing and start falling back just as the piece of wood swings down right in front of me. My fall is cushioned, then Koushiro jumps in front and tries to grab the weapon being raised, but his hand doesn't reach in time and the guy strikes again.

Koushiro drops on the ground. I wait for him to get back up, but he doesn't and panic sets in.


	14. Taichi, in trouble

**Hikari.** Saturday night, December 24th.

* * *

I drag Takeru through the exit, then down the street until we reach a quieter spot around the first street corner. There he pulls me to a stop. "Daisuke." He points out with a small voice.

"Right." I release his hand and send a quick text to Dai who probably hasn't noticed a thing yet. "Here, I told him we had to leave the concert."

"Sorry … and thanks." My heart stings as I watch Takeru, paler than usual, try to smile.

And to think that I almost didn't come. I wish I could kick myself in the butt. "Want to rest for a bit?" I ask.

He nods and we sit on the edge of the sidewalk. The music is still loud, but at least we can't understand the lyrics anymore. I glance sideways, Takeru is staring forward, lost in his thoughts. He's suffering once again because of that screwed up older brother.

Yamato … I hate that guy and I've never even met him. Even before he had his downfall he wouldn't come to their mother's place and I never accompanied Tee to one of his concerts. To me he's just this jerk who, even gone, still keeps hurting Tee.

But I know how much Yamato means to Takeru. What I don't know though is why. That guy hasn't contacted him once in two years, and even before that their relation was nothing but a complicated mess. Unlike me, Takeru had all the reasons to stop giving a damn about his brother … and yet he's the one who never did.

"That was quite the sigh just now, are you all right?" Takeru asks, concerned.

… That's so him, caring for me even when he's struggling himself. Jeez Tee, thanks for rubbing salt in the wound. "I should be the one asking you if you're all right."

"I'm fine now. Hearing that song just shocked me a little."

You don't say … "Your brother had his issues, huh." I say, although I'm not convinced that it's enough to excuse the guy's behavior.

"I think the divorce affected him deeply, more than I or our parents could ever imagine. It might have caused a wound that …"

Takeru stops talking, something seems to have caught his attention. Someone is whistling. The sound gets closer and closer, then finally a hooded guy appears around the corner. Oh, it's that guy from earlier. He seems to be in a better mood. He stops behind Takeru who jumps on is feet. I get up too, noticing strands of blond hair peeking out of the guy's hood, but it's only when I see his blue eyes that I finally understand.

"Oh my, if it isn't the little brother." Yamato says with a smirk.

Something isn't right. I'm sure he's the guy from earlier but the vibes he's giving off now are totally different.

"Yamato, what did you take?" Takeru asks with a strangely composed voice considering the situation and his clenched fists.

Yamato doesn't respond, instead he turns to me. "And you … you must be the little sister."

"What? You know my brother?"

Yamato ignores my question too. He approaches Takeru and whispers something directly into his ear, then walks away without even looking back at me, leaving Takeru frozen and as pale as a ghost.

* * *

 **Taichi.** Saturday night, December 24th.

* * *

Koushiro's forehead is bleeding. He couldn't be … I stretch my arm to touch him and pull away as the piece of wood strikes right between us.

"The boy shouldn't be worrying about his friend." The junkie says. I look up and meet with his now deviously sharp gaze. That guy, he isn't out of it at all, was he just playing with us? "I'll count to ten." … What?

"ONE." Wait, does it … is he seriously letting me leave? "TWO" I look back at Koushiro. His chest is moving, he's still breathing. "THREE." Up on the couch, Kuro is now stuck in the gap between the cushions. The guy raises his stick between me and the couch. "FOUR!"

I'm not sure how, but suddenly I'm up and running for the front door. "Aah ah! FIIIVE." I pull the door and get out. "SIX." The door slams shut behind me. I look down the street leading to the city. I don't see them, but by now Jou and Sora should be on their way back … I really hope so. I hear a muffled _seven_ and start running the other way. What matters is that Koushiro gets help fast so, if I lure the guy away long enou— Behind me the door opens. "aaand EIGHT NINE TEN."

I clench my fists and speed up. The snow doesn't help, but jeez, for a former soccer player, running this slow is beyond pathetic!

It takes him seconds to catch up with me. I land face first in the snow, his heavy body crushing mine. I can't move. I can barely breathe. I try to scream, but his hand instantly covers my mouth. Oh God … he reeks.

"The boy lost." His mouth grazes my ear. "He understands so he'll be a good boy, riiight?" Breathing is … getting harder. "RIGHT?" I nod.

He gets off me, then picks me up and tosses me over his shoulder like I weight nothing. I watch the end of the street as he carries me away. Under the farthest street light two tiny figures appear, it must be Jou and Sora. Good, Koushiro will be all right. The guy turns into an alley and the street lights disappear. I close my eyes.

What should I … what _can_ I do? The guy proved that he's stronger and faster … struggling would be pointless … I'm sure … dammit.

* * *

Please, I don't care where, just drop me off already. My stomach is being crushed with every step and my head is about to burst. I can't endure this position anymore, yet I still have to.

I lost track of where we are … maybe I just forgot to try.

The guy turns yet again, but then climbs up a little and the sound of his steps changes. A building, a house maybe. A door creaks open and my body stiffens as we go down a long flight of stairs. Dammit, not another basement. He walks across the echoing pitch dark room, then stops and crouches. I slide off his shoulder and land on what feels like some piled up cardboard. He releases me, just to pin me against the wall.

"Don't move." He simply orders, then gets up and walks away.

The guy starts rummaging somewhere across the room. He's making a lot of noises. I can't see him, but that means he can't see me either. Right now he's probably too busy to pay me any attention. He even left the door open.

This is my chance to escape, I have to get out of here now, before he comes back.

The rummaging goes on and on … but my body doesn't move.

Every second that passes I think it's too late, he's about to come back … I'll hear his footsteps any moment now … but he doesn't, he keeps making noises and I stay there, watching this perfect opportunity slip by … over and over again.

After an eternity he finally does come back … and finds me exactly where he left me.

Something is wrapped tightly around my legs. I'm pulled forward and my wrists are attached together behind my back. He leans me back against the wall.

Resisting didn't even cross my mind.

"Good boy." His rotten breath blows on my face as he speaks. "He's going to be a good boy while I'm gone too." A finger runs down my cheek. "Because if he's nooot, the boy will be PUNISHED." My nose is flicked.

He walks away, the stairs creak and the door slams, then dragging noises appear. Something big and heavy is pushed in front of the door. When it's over the room fills up with a thick silence.

I stay still, staring at the darkness with wide eyes.

* * *

 _I slide the headset off my ears."Yamato …"_

" _Hm?" He's fiddling with his guitar, not playing, just … fiddling._

" _You're blond, huh." I say and a note resonates weirdly inside the tent._

" _Before you ask, yes this is my natural color."_

"… _You're blond and your eyes are blue."_

 _This time he detaches his eyes from his guitar and looks at me. Would it be rude to ask? Turns out I don't have to._

" _My grand-father, he's French." He explains. Being an open book has its perks._

" _Eh? That's cool! Have you been to France? Do you speak french?" I ask, sitting up on the bed._

" _Once, when I was little and no, I don't speak french."_

" _Really? Not at all? Not even a word, like 'Hello' or 'I love you'? Come on, you must know something."_

 _Yamato growls, but the corner of his lips goes up a little. "He did teach us a song."_

 _By us he must mean him and his brother. I wrap my arms around my legs and wait. He sighs, but still closes his eyes and concentrates._

" _Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques. Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous? Sonnez les matines, sonnez les matines. Ding dang dong,"_

"ding … dang … don-g." My voice echoes through the dark basement. Right, it might still be too early to ring morning bells … How about the death knell then. "Din—" A cracking sound upstairs startles me. I listen, but the silence is back already. My eyes haven't adapted at all, that must mean there's no window here.

No sound, no light, no warmth … kinda like a tomb.

I lean forward and clench my teeth while I slide my freezing hands inside the back of my pants, wincing as the rope scratches the skin of my wrists. What kind of rope did he use, and why did he feel the need to tie me up? Dammit, he's overestimating me, it's not like I could escape this barricaded, windowless basement anyway. I couldn't even with the door wide op… Urg, stop it.

Another noise. This time it sounded awfully like something moved, but it's not him coming back. It's just that house slowly falling apart. How long has it been since he left? An hour, three, five? I can't tell at all, for all I know it might have been an entire day … No, after that long I'd be at least thirsty, if not dead frozen.

… Still, enough time passed for me to thoroughly mull over all the possible reasons that guy is keeping me here. The best-case scenario would be that he's planning on asking my family for a ransom. As for the worst … there's too many to choose, but the most likely would be selling me for my organs, which I suppose is a much faster but less lucrative option. Although I wouldn't be so surprised to learn that I'm worth more sold as spare parts.

 _There's plenty of people out there with bad intentions you know?_ Yamato was right, of course. Dammit, he'll be so angry once he learns I'm in trouble again, and this time finding me will be like finding a needle in a haysta… Oh.

I laugh at myself. The room joins me, creating this eerie throwback to my high school years.

So that's how it is. Deep down I'm assuming Yamato will come and save me again.

That explains why I'm oddly calm right now.

Despite the fact that I'm being held captive by some bum addict in the basement of a crumbling house in the middle of a deserted town.

And why I didn't freaking bother to even try saving my own ass once.

I'm simply waiting to be rescued.

Gosh, can I be more pathetic?

It's time for me to face reality. Yamato probably can't find me, and certainly not in time. Soon the guy will come back and I'll only have my sickening self to blame when he …

"Dammit!" I start wriggling my legs and my arms. If I could loosen up the ropes, then … then what? I'll kick away what's blocking the freaking door? Been there, done that, miserably failed.

I stop struggling. My back slowly curls over my tied up legs as reality finally sinks in, _really_ sinks in.

I'm at that guy's mercy, trapped, and there's nothing I can do about it. Not anymore. But I had the chance, one chance to get away … and I wasted it.

Now it's hopeless.

I give the floor a feeble kick. Dammit! Why did this have to happen? Right when my life had just turned around and I was finally starting to feel better about myself!

 _Following Yamato around, wearing pink clothes and acting like a helpless kid, does doing all that really make you feel better about yourself?_

… Would it be so bad if it did?

Sure, it's a fact that if I hadn't locked myself out of the apartment, right now I'd be safe, warm, but … My dirty bedroom comes back to mind, and along with it all the sulking, self loathing, feelings of worthlessness … No, I can't even think of living in that room again.

I should never have become a shut-in in the first place.

Right, maybe this is all just karmic return … Dammit, I know it's my fault, I'm the one who made that choice, I know that but still … "Dammit it's so unfair!" I wouldn't have had any reason to drop out of school if the coach hadn't chosen me, a first year to be a regular. I wouldn't have become the school's target and the constant bullying would have never happened. But no, instead my life became hell, all because of one soccer game!

"I didn't deserve to be treated like that! I was trying my best, I swear, I don't know why I messed up that bad … I wasn't … it wasn't …"

My chest tightens as my voice is swallowed by the dark silence surrounding me, thickening … cold … suffocating … Yamato please, I'm scared.

* * *

BANG.

My eyes jerks open, but I can't see at all. What am I doing, sleeping on the cardboard floor … Wait, this doesn't feel right. I'm not in the tent, where am— Something stomps against the ceiling and my heart starts pounding. I try to move, but my legs and my … I forcefully pull my arms and the sharp pain around my wrists finishes waking me up. It all comes back to me … and it's worst than what I was fearing.

The same dragging noise appears. It's him, he's coming back. This is it. I take deep breaths.

When the door finally opens and I'm blinded by the excruciating brightness. That's just great, it's daytime and I still can't see a thing! My closed eyes tearing up I listen to the cracking stairs, then to his irregular steps approaching. He's staggering.

My coat is grabbed and I'm pulled up to a sitting position. I open my eyes and get startled by the guy's frostbitten face only a couple inches away from mine.

Sweat, urine, rot … His smell grows more intense as the seconds pass and nothing happens. He just stays there, staring at me, apparently not in a hurry to do anything except make me retch.

"What do y…" I shut my stupid mouth too late.

The junkie gives me an unsettling twitching smirk in response. Slowly, he moves his hand up until it reaches my neck and starts wrapping arou— I pull away and hit the back of my head against the wall.

He chuckles. "The boy has nothing to worry about," He leaves my neck alone, just to grab the back of my head and pull me closer until all I can see is his eyes, glassy and yet, strangely alert. "If he tells me everything he knooows that is." Instead of feeling relieved, my stomach turns rock hard. What the heck am I supposed to tell him? "He'll be a good boy and tell me what the traitors are scheming." He says, confirming what I feared.

I stare at him while my brain mindlessly rushes to make sense of what he just said, but obviously it's useless, I have no idea what he's talking about. That can't really be why he brought me here, can it?

He frowns and releases my head, then without any warning smacks my cheek.

A moan escapes my mouth. "I d-don't know what yo—" He hits me again.

"The humans are the traitors' humans, right? They're involved, aren't they? HOW? Why do the traitors need them?!"

Dammit, his questions keep getting weirder. _The traitors' humans._ What is this, sounds like we're some pets. Are those traitors aliens or something? That's just too insane … Oh, of course. My gaze drifts down to the junkie's shoulder that keeps jumping. I get it now. He's not after money, he's just in the middle of some sort of paranoid psychosis because of the drugs … and last night we simply had the tough luck of getting tangled up in his delusion. But then how can I make him understand that all this isn't rea—

"HEY!" He tosses my toque away, grabs my hair and forces me to look back at him. "Right now you … you're the boy or a traitor?" He asks, his narrowed eyes looking right through me as if he's trying to see something beyond me. He won't find it, I'm just me.

… I think it might be impossible to reason with someone in this state.

The guy raises his free hand and this time hits me repeatedly. When he's done my eyes are tearing up and a metallic taste is spreading in my mouth. "Answer me!"

I swallow. Right, I can at least answer that one question. "I'm not a traitor." I say. "… and I'm not a _boy_ either." But I guess he doesn't care about that part.

The guy doesn't respond right away, his head tilts a little as he studies me, hesitant. "Then who are you?" … What, is he asking for my name? His glassy dark eyes suddenly ignite with flaming rage and he pushes my head against the wall. "DON'T MESS WITH ME. Why else would you be with those humans if you're not one of the traitors?!"

Wait wait, dammit I need time to process this nonsense! He stopped addressing me as _the boy,_ it's as if to him I'm not one of _those humans_ anymore, but then I would be the same as whatever those traito—

The guy's hand wraps around my neck again, but this time he squeezes until I choke.

I struggle, but can't get out of his strong grip. My lungs start firing up as I keep trying to suck in some air. Please … not here, not like this …

He releases me and I fall forward, gasping and coughing. "I'm giving you one last chance to talk."

… I very slowly catch my breath, buying me some time. An idea popped up into my mind. A desperate one, but at this point … and I'm sick of doing nothing.

Once I've recollected myself I stare back at the guy as confidently as my hurting face allows me. I obviously can't reason with him, but I can try playing along. "I'm a spy."

The guy's expression falls and I resist the urge to look away. I can't tell if he's about to laugh at me or beat me up for trying to trick him with such a lame lie.

"A spy? But they didn't tell me." He says, sounding more puzzled than skeptical. That's good, I think?

"Of course they didn't, this is a top secret mission." I have to be careful, I will be exposed the moment I say something that doesn't add up to whatever he's imagining.

The guy scratches his chin, thinking. "A spy … Then you know what the traitors are planning."

"No, not yet, but …" This is it, this has to work. "I'm very close to getting results, that's why I need to go back to them as soon as possible. You'll let me go, right?"

I was hoping he'd agree right away, but instead the guy stays silent, hesitating. Why?! Didn't he believe me? Why wouldn't he want me to continue spying on his traitors?

"I can't, they warned me that the punishment will be a lot worse the next time I act on my own. But I'll go back and talk with them again. They probably didn't know it was you when they ordered me to kill the boy after making him talk."

My body's temperature drops and I start feeling dizzy. No … not now. I look down at my legs to hide my face and take slow, deep breaths.

The guy's distant voice slowly clears up as I regain my senses. "… can't leave the human here while I talk with them of course. I'll go and hurry back." He's already standing and ready to leave.

"Wait." I look up at him, my mind rushing to find something, any idea … "Could y-you at least un-tie me?" Dammit, my voice is shaking.

"What for? We can't risk the boy escaping if you were to lose control of him either." He says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Yeah, you're right but …" No, I can't insist. He might become suspicious.

Mind control … somehow it makes sense. The guy believes he's something else controlling his own body. A personality disorder? Whatever it is, he really should be admitted into a mental institute … after being treated in a hospital. I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure at this point his nose has to be amputated.

"But what?" He asks, impatient.

"No, hum, it's just … you-r human doesn't look good, he might die you know." I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

"They don't last anyway." He snickers. "Especially the good ones. This compulsive loser sure did a good job making me strong." He looks me up and down. "Yours is still young, he must be quite the faulty one too."

"… Yeah." Look in a mirror, junkie.

The guy leaves the basement. I'm plunged back into darkness when the door closes. Please, at least don't… He pushes the furniture back in front of the door.

A thought emerges, a scary one. Right now my fate is solely in the hands of some imaginary characters in that guy's sick mind … those same imaginary characters who already ordered him to get rid of me once.

* * *

I'm thirsty, I should have reminded him that _the boy_ needs water to stay alive before he left. But considering the state of _his human_ , I doubt he would have cared. I wonder what he even makes himself drink and eat out here … On second thought I'm better off staying thirsty. But he was at least thoughtful enough to leave me on some cardboard and not directly on the cold cement floor.

I sigh and lean back against the wall. He said he'd hurry, but it's sure taking him a while to go talk with those people … right there in his head.

Not that I want him to come back, but … what would happen to me if he were to get over this whole traitors thing and just forget I exist? Or get arrested, get hurt in an accident or even … Argh, why do I keep doing this to myself? There's nothing else to do while I wait, that's why.

I try to move my arms up to reach an itchy spot on my back, but the pain on my wrists forces me to stop. That damn rope didn't loosen at all. I move my legs, this one did, but what difference … Urg, stop it! It's better than nothing, now I can at least run for it if I have to! … … Yeah I know, like I pitifully tried to do last night.

Hopefully I won't need to run because the guy will let me go.

… But speaking of running, my legs feel cramped, I should probably stretch them, just in case. I balance my weight on my feet and push myself up. Shit, bad idea. The floor moves and I start seeing colors, then my knees hit the cement floor and I collapse sideways. I groan, the rope on my wrists might have scraped some skin off. I stay still and let the dizzy spell pass. Urg, I should have known. This also happens after I neglect eating and drinking properly.

After some rest I try again, slowly this time, and manage to stand on my legs. I bend my knees a couple times, then wriggle and twist around. Feels great! Plus I'm getting warmer. I should have done this sooner. I continue stretching.

The dragging noise reappears and I drop back on the floor.

* * *

I'm blinded again as the door opens. I listen as the guy walks down the stairs. Did something squeak? Another furious squeak, then something is smashed against the wall.

"Is the boy huuungry?" The guy asks.

I shake my head and keep my eyes shut while he eats his _meal_.

After a moment he tosses _something_ across the room and crouches in front of me. I open my eyes, he's looking at me with a tainted smirk.

"What's his naaame?" He asks.

"Taichi." I say and he slaps me.

"Not the boy the SPY!"

Dammit, he's testing me. "I … can't tell you." I try.

He snickers and I know I screwed up. "The boy is a LIIIer."

It didn't work … Dammit! "No, I didn't lie! All this isn't real okay?! You're just in the middle of a fucking psychosis because of the drugs! There's no traitor, no mind control and no one giving you orders so untie me an—" I stop as the junkie grips my throat.

But he doesn't squeeze … yet. He just looks at me weirdly, almost like he's thinking that _I'm_ the crazy one. Dammit, is there really no way I could reason wi—

"AH! What is it I'm busy!" The guy suddenly yells, his eyes drifting away from me. "Who … What do you … HEY!"

The guy's eyes widen. For a second he looks at me with growing fear and confusion, then all of a sudden his expression twists into an ugly grimace. He grabs his face around his black nose and drops on the floor screaming, his whole body twitching and shaking.

What just happen… No, it doesn't matter, this could be my last chance. I can't let it slip this time. I free my legs from the loose rope and get up.

"Arrgh it h-hurts! h-help … ple-ase." The guy's voice is completely different now. I look down and meet his distressed gaze begging me. He might be himself again, but …

I look away. "Sorry I … I'll go get help for you I promise." I say and dash toward the door. I climb up the stairs, step out of the basement and stop. In front of me is already outside. The back of the house completely crumbled, so that's why it was so bright.

"COME BACK HERE!" My body jolts, it's _him_ again.

I climb over the busted outer wall and stupidly try to stretch out my arms when I lose my balance and fall over. The rope burns the skin of my wrists as I roll down the pile of bricks and debris, but I make it to the backyard in one piece. I brush the pain aside and get back on my feet.

Which way? The sun is still high in the sky … Yeah, like I know how to find my bearings with it! I run forward, jump over what's left of a fence to another backward and pass through a parkway. I reach a street and stare at the river right in front of me. Urg, but as long as he doesn't know which way I went I have a chance. I choose left and start running. After a moment the street curves to the left, following the riverbank.

I glance sideways as I come across the first intersection. Yes, the way is clear. Between two houses down that street, the guy emerges and looks in my direction. Dammit! With the river on one side, how the heck am I supposed to lose him now?

It takes me a while to reach the next street corner. I finally turn, and come face to face with that freaking huge piece of concrete from the other day. Dammit! I'm on the other side of that thing, I know where I am, but it's not helping me much now! I turn around. I can continue running or try hiding near the river … I hear him yell in the distance and dash down the street.

I'm running slower and slower, I don't have much stamina left. I glance behind, the guy is still far, but he's catching up. If I want him to lose my track it's now or never. I turn onto the next street, then rush into the first backyard I can access. I drag my feet to a garden shed, which is locked with a rusted padlock of course. I go around and let my body drop down the gap between the shed and the wooden fence.

My lungs are on fire and each breath burns my throat. This is it, this is as far as I can go. Now if he finds me it's over.

I close my eyes and try to slow down my breathing … To think that there was a time when I could keep running after a ball for a whole game. Now I can't even when my life depends on it. At least I'm not having a panic attack, I kind of wonder why.

Some snow entered my collar, it's refreshing. My hands are already getting cold though, but it helps relieve the pain on my wrists. Running made me sweat, soon I'll probably start freez— Oh.

The snow.

How stupid, of course he just has to follow the footprints. Dammit!

What do I do … maybe I could hide in a house. I hear the guy yell from the street corner. It's too late.

* * *

"Where iiis he?" The guy yells again, this time from the other side of the house.

"Shut up, you obviously know where I am." I say between my teeth. I've started to sound like Yamato.

That guy … he was rolling in pain on the basement floor a minute ago and now he doesn't even sound the slightest bit out of breath. It's not normal.

"Niiice try, but his friend didn't STOP ME!"

My head raises from the snow. What friend? I'm not sure how, but I manage to pull myself up on my feet one more time. I take a peek around the corner of the shed, he's not here ye— I jerk back as the guy steps into the backyard … As if hiding makes a difference with that big trail I left in the snow.

But, just now he did say that someone tried to stop him. That person didn't succeed though, which could mean that he … "Did you hurt one of my friends?!"

The guy stops walking, as surprised as I am to see me come out of my hideout, but it lasts only a second before he smirks. "A little cowaaard, ran away as soon as the boy ESCAPED." He says from across the backyard.

Oh. He's talking about what happened in the basement, he just got confused then. Good, obviously no one was there, so no one got hurt. No one was there … I actually got my hopes up for a second. Of course I would, it's not like I wanted this.

"Ah! The boy is AAAll alone again." Dammit, it showed on my face. He's enjoying himself again, now that he knows he's got me cornered. "It's ooover now."

I know. Now, more than ever, wouldn't giving up be natural … acceptable? The guy takes a couple steps toward me. I don't move, which makes him laugh. He must think I'm paralyzed with fear. I'm not calm, my heart is pounding and my shaky legs are barely holding up, but I'm not panicking either. I brace myself and stare him in the eyes. I know it's completely pointless, but I'm not showing him my back again.

The guy claps his hands. "Oooh … What a courageous boy."

The rope tightens around my wrists as my hands turn into fists, but I couldn't care less about the pain. Of all the things he could have said, he had to stab me with that word. "I'm not." If I were I wouldn't be here.

The guy tilts his head. "But he is." He insists, like he's stating the obvious.

What is this … He keeps me locked up for a night and he thinks he knows me now?

"I said I'm not!" He knows absolutely nothing … "Someone courageous wouldn't give up!" That asshole doesn't know a single thing about me. "After enduring everything for so long, I only had to take it for a little more! But no! I couldn't, not even for one more day, so I gave up! I know I was at my limit, but come on! After being treated like shit for more than two years what difference a couple months would have made?! Does that sound courageous to you, huh?!"

I stop yelling. Why did I even … it's not like he cares at all about _the boy._ But oddly enough he seems to have listened.

The guy shakes his head, waving his dirty long hair. "But falling back before he breaks isn't giving up, letting himself break is."

Why is he saying … "Are you blind? I am broken!"

"But isn't the boy standing here now?"

"I'M NOT!" I don't get it, why is he defending me? And why is it making me so angry! "I'm a coward dammit! I can't even face my own family! And wanna know something else? You keep calling me _a boy_ , but I'm freaking twenty one years old! I lied about my age just so those guys would care about me! I pretended I was a kid to hide how worthless I've become. And you know what? It made me feel so, so much better, how pathetic is that?! So no, I'm not standing at all! I'm just fucking crawling!"

He shakes his freaking head again. "Courage isn't standing, it's crawling. The boy, he wouldn't be crawling now if he gave up, and he wouldn't be crawling now if he broke back then either."

That junkie … why is _he_ the one telling me all this.

"AAaaah." The guy scratches his head. "The boy is interesting, unlike this one … or was he?" His arm falls. "But the order … I can't disobey them again." He says. Then, what was all that even for …

He starts approaching. I step back until my back hits the fence. It'll help me keep my balance. Even with my hands tied up I can still kick, and if I hit him _there_ it might buy me enough time to run … for how far though … and then what … dammit, I don—

The fence behind me shakes, then Yamato jumps down beside me. "There he is." He calmly greets me with a smile.

I greet him back with a dumbfounded stare.

"Who are you?! What are you doing here?!"

Yamato turns toward the guy. "Oh my … Look at that, what a waste. Some just don't know how to take care of their toys."

"YOU! Was it you earlier?!"

"Eh … Who knows." Yamato shrugs, then looks back at me. He gently brushes some snow off my shoulder. "What an adorable puppy." He says and winks. Winks?

"HEY!" The guy calls. "You're one of them, aren't you? TRAITOR!"

Yamato sighs. "All right, let's take care of that." He says, but doesn't move an inch. His hand on my shoulder twitches, then he loses his smile and finally frowns. He glances behind again, then looks back at me. "Taichi are you alright? Are you hurt?"

"…" The words stay stuck in my throat.

 _Yamato is here._ He touches my cheek and clicks his tongue. _He's here._ He pulls me away from the fence and looks at my back. _He's really here._

Across the backyard the guy is not paying us any attention, he's staring down and talking to himself.

"Fuck." Yamato lets out behind me. I hear him open his knife and seconds later my wrists are finally freed. "That jerk used a coarse rope to tie you up so …"

I look down at my trembling hands, both my wrists now have large and deep, ugly abrasions. The rope, half buried in the snow, is tainted red. I fall forward and land on Yamato's chest. His voice, he's calling …

… I open my eyes. Yamato's blurry figure … He's in the middle of the backyard, crouched beside something laying …

* * *

My body goes up and down with each muffled step on the snow. I open my eyes. Yamato is carrying me on his back. Down the street in the distance I can see our place.

"You're finally awake. How are you feeling?" Yamato asks.

"Fine …" I think. There's just the burning pain on my wrists. "How did you …"

"I was searching for you when I heard voices." He explains.

"Thanks for looking for me." I hear myself say. I feel like I'm in a dream.

"Tsk. Like I would have abandoned you." His comment makes me smile.

"Koushiro told you what happened." I say. Silence. "Yamato?"

"We're going to the hospital." He says.

The strange stillness dissipates. "No! I don't need to see a doctor, can't Jou—"

"Jou is there with Mimi and … Koushiro." My stomach squeezes. He hesitated, why?

"How is Koushiro?" I ask, only realizing now that I've simply assumed he'd be all right.

"Sora is waiting for us at our place. She'll call us a taxi."

He clearly dodged my question. "Koushiro got hurt protecting me, please tell m—"

Yamato's whole body stiffens. "I don't know, okay! This morning he still hadn't woken up and the doctors didn't know why! Are you happy now?!"

"Yam—"

"FUCK! Just … Don't talk to me, I'm exhausted! Too much fucking happened since last night, can't you understand that?!"

"Put me down." Yamato ignores my request. "Yamato, put me d—"

"Shut up! I'm not putting you down! You were still passed out cold a minute ago for Christ's sa—" I cover his eyes with my hands, just like Koushiro did to me last night.

"Shh. I'm fine now, I promise, so please put me down."

Yamato slows down, then stops walking. After a moment he carefully releases me and I slide off his back. Thank God I don't crumble on the ground. I walk around and face Yamato. I didn't notice earlier, but he does have dark circles under his eyes. He probably didn't sleep at all. He's been worrying not only about me, but also Koushiro. "Sorry." I let out.

"Tsk. I'm the one who should be saying sorry." Yamato pats my head with a carelessly bandaged hand, definitely not Jou's work.

"What happened to your hand?"

Yamato growls something about it being nothing, then go sit on a beat up vending machine that was tipped over and emptied a long time ago. I glance in the direction we came from. The guy …

"Don't worry, he won't come after us." Yamato says.

"What happened? He ran away?" I ask as I come sit beside him.

"He …" Yamato looks down at his hands. "He collapsed."

The image of a blurry figure laying in the snow flashes in my mind. "Yamato, we can't just leave him there." Even after what he did, he's still a sick person who needs help.

Yamato sighs. "I'll call later, to tell the police where the body is." _Body._ The sudden cold chills me to the bone. "I swear he collapsed on his own, I didn't even touch him."

"I didn't think …" My eyes drift to Yamato's bandaged hand. "… He did seem very sick." That time in the basement, the guy looked so distressed and in pain. But if that hadn't happened I'd still be there now. "Sick, but also dangerous."

Yamato bends forward and rests his head in his hands. "Tell me what he did to you."

I watch myself recount everything, from the guy's intrusion into our place to his delusions about traitors, my failed attempt at playing along with it and my escape. Now that it's over it all feel somewhat far, unreal.

After I'm done silence stretches between us. Yamato is fixing the ground, as if in deep thought. I don't know what, but something about him urges me to change the mood. "So … How was the concert?"

Yamato chuckles. "Right, the concert. It was great. The band is doing awesome, there's nothing stopping them now." He stands up. "Oh, and I'm sure you'll love their new album."

A new album, huh. I get up and for a moment I feel like I'm going to faint, but gladly it passes and I follow along as we continue walking down the street.

* * *

Nearing our place, we both stop and watch Sora running toward us. She looks me up and down as she arrives. "So you really were out here, what happened?" She asks, staring at me.

Yamato shakes his head. "That can wait, call us a taxi. Did you talk with Jou?"

"Yeah." Sora pulls out of her pocket a phone. Of course, she works so it makes sense for her to have one.

"Koushiro, how is he?" Yamato asks.

"He still hasn't woken up, but the doctors apparently found something that might be the cause. Jou didn't want to explain it over the phone, but he did mention that Koushiro's injury isn't serious at all." Sora says, then brings the phone to her ear.

Does that mean his condition wasn't caused by last night's injury?

Yamato rubs his face. "Let's hurry up then. Taichi, are you still okay to walk?"

I nod, but Yamato stares at me dubiously. "I'm fine Yamato." I assure him, if I don't he'll shove me on his back again.

"… Yeah, at that intersection. Thanks." Sora hangs up, then composes another number.

"Who are you calling?" Yamato asks as they start walking. I follow behind the two.

"Jou to let him know that we've found the kid and are on our way. His uncle lent him his phone."

"His uncle?"

"Yeah he's a doctor there, works in the ER. He's the one who took charge of Koushiro last night." She chuckles. "Wanna know something else? The whole damn hospital belongs to Jou's family."

Yamato mutters something and runs his hand through his hair. Oh. I do the same. Right, Hikari's toque stayed in the basement.

* * *

"You're putting me in a difficult position, I hope you realize that Jou." Doctor Kido mentions again as he finishes bandaging my second wrist. He's sitting on a stool in front of me. "He's a minor, you know the procedures the hospital legally has to follow if he goes through admission."

… I can't tell him that he has nothing to worry about. This is why I didn't want to come to the hospital.

"I know … sorry Uncle."

The doctor glances at his nephew's back. Jou is standing by the other hospital bed where Yamato is sleeping deeply, busy re-bandaging his injured hand. Yamato barely made it through Jou's explanation of Koushiro's condition, then roughly summarized for me what happened last night before the doctor came in, forced him to lie down and attached a pouch to his arm. Right now I don't think an earthquake would wake him up.

Doctor Kido starts cleaning a cut on my forehead I didn't even realize I had. "So, _just_ Taichi," I look away from the man's assertive gaze. "you're _absolutely_ positive that these marks on your wrists were caused by accident?" He asks again.

I nod. It's what Yamato told me to say but the doctor isn't stupid, he even took me aside earlier and asked me all sorts of questions.

He places a bandage over the cut. "All done. Do you have questions?" I shake my head. "Okay. I'll come see you again tomorrow. Make sure you eat okay?" He adds with an insistent look. I nod. I'm underweight, I know. He gets up and gives my head a couple pats. "Jou, I have to get back to work. If employees start asking questions, just refer them to me."

"Don't worry, we won't cause you trouble or get in your way." Jou responds. He finished bandaging Yamato's hand but kept his back turned.

"I'm not worrying. You and your friends can stay here for as long as you need. Remember, your parents and your brother are out of town and won't be coming back before new year. Just promise me you won't leave without telling me, okay young man?"

"I promise, thanks Uncle."

I mumble something that was meant to be _thank you for your care_ as Doctor Kido leaves. Silence then settles in the room, disturbed only by Yamato's deep breathing. Jou moves over and checks the basket in which Kuro is sleeping. The kitten spent the whole night hidden in the couch, but other than very hungry he was fine.

"Sorry Taichi." Jou suddenly says. "Last night I shouldn't have let you two go back alone."

"You couldn't have known … And it's not like you were responsible for us."

"I was actually." Jou glances at the bed. "Yamato and I have an arrangement, since he spends a lot of time away. Plus I'm the eldest and …" Jou lets out a nervous laugh. "Well, to be honest I'm not sure I would have been of much help even if I had been there."

I open my mouth, then close it back. I'm sure he would have helped, but saying it would only make him feel more guilty about leaving us alone.

"There's another reason why I'm telling you sorry, but I'd rather keep that one to myself … Anyway." Jou pauses and adjusts his glasses. "I haven't had the chance to ask since you arrived, are you really all right? I don't mean just physically." Jou studies me as he talks. "You went through a very stressful experience, traumatizing even, so it's normal that you'd feel for example overwhelmed, shaken, scared or even angry. How do you feel?"

How I feel … "I'm fine, I think. I don't feel any of those. Actually, I don't feel anything, just kind of …" My gaze drifts around the room. "… detached. Like all of it already happened a long time ago, or even …"

"To someone else?" Jou finishes. I nod. "That's probably the way your brain learned to cope with stressful experiences."

It makes sense. I remember feeling like this, kind of numb, coming back from school, especially during the last year.

"Tell me if it persists, okay?" Jou says as he sits in front of me. He then places his hands on my shoulders and stares me in the eyes, so close that I have no other choice but to stare back at him. Suddenly I don't feel so detached anymore. "… The first one to laugh lose." And with that said Jou starts flapping his nostrils.

I burst out laughing. I couldn't … just seeing Jou do something so … it's too much.

Jou smiles. "I might not look like it, but I can be funny."

My forehead drops on Jou's shoulder. "Aha ah I … can't breathe." I'm both laughing and sniffing. "Jou I'm … I'm so glad I'm here." I grip his shirt, sobs replaced the laughing. "I was scared … so scared that … that I'd … I wou…"

Jou pats the back of my head while I let it all out, all those feelings coming back.

* * *

"We're back!"

I pull away from Jou as Mimi storms into the room holding a meal tray, followed by Sora holding one too. She comes place the food on the table beside the bed while, head down, I finish wiping my cheeks. "Here, some food for you Sweety." She bows until her eyes reach mine and gives me a warm smile. It's good to see her again.

"Thanks." I say. I remove the cover and stare at the grilled fish on a bed of rice and vegetables. Fresh food! I grab the chopsticks, I'm hungry, last night I didn't eat … My hand drops.

Last night I tossed the food Koushiro had prepared for me in the fire, and today we don't know if he'll ever wake up. "I saw him scratch his arm, but I just assumed …" I think out loud.

"We all thought nothing of it." Sora points out. She and Mimi are sitting on the floor, now eating what was supposed to be Yamato's meal.

Jou startles us with an exasperated growl. "Why didn't he say anything or go see a doctor?! I doubt he didn't see the news, but even so there's no way he didn't at least know that those marks weren't normal."

"But, you know Jou," Sora begins. "I do find it weird that no one with marks has been showing up in hospitals yet. The only guess so far is that the illness might be linked to drugs, but it doesn't really explain that."

Right, this is weird. I didn't particularly follow the news, but I did gather that all the cases that were found until now were already …

Jou adjusts his glasses. "Those marks could have been appearing near or after the person's death, but now that we know it's not the case … Like you say, it makes no sense."

"So, in a way what happened last night was a blessing in disguise." Sora says. "Koushiro is here now so he can be treated. Jou, you said that except for not waking up his condition is fine, that must mean it's not too late, right?"

 _Too late_ … didn't Koushiro say something … _It's probably too late for me now anyway._ But why would he assume that?

"Treated you say, won't he be used as a guinea pig instead? They'll just put him through all kind of tests as fast as they can while he's still alive."

… I don't think he mentioned being sick. What else did he say again? He talked about his past, his issues …

"Mimi, not everyone is crooked like you. Plus his uncle wouldn't let that happen, right Jou? He seemed to be a very righteous man."

… then Koushiro started saying stuff about all of us. He was talking like we were all part of something … Dammit, why can't I remember?!

"Yes, he is, he loves his job too. He's a great doctor. You're right, here Koushiro will be fine."

… Koushiro said he should have told us about it sooner. I wish he did too.

"Don't get me wrong, I do hope so too, but you realize you're not the most objective, right _Mister Jou_ _Kido_."

… Oh, didn't he mention the atta—

"Taichi, is there something wrong with your food?" Sora asks. "You keep staring at the plate without eating."

"No, I was … It's nothing." I say and start eating. There's no point talking about it before I remember more.

Sora gets up. "I'll go to Jun's apartment for now, I need to sleep before tonight's shift. Christmas time is hell … Merry Christmas by the way." It couldn't be less heartfelt. "Jou, call me if there's anything new with Koushiro."

"Oh jeez, Christmas!" Mimi jumps on her feet and go fetch her purse. "I need to get back, what time is it?"

"What? You're going back?" Jou's expression falls as Mimi gives him an apologetic smile. Slowly, he looks down at his watch. "a quarter past two."

"Past two already, I'll barely make it in time!" She runs up to the door, but then stops just as fast. "Oh, right." She turns back. "I came to tell you guys something important, but with what happened it completely slipped off my mind." Mimi smiles sadly. "That place where we live … we've probably just been lucky that nothing happened before last night. But it'll make it easier to swallow what I'm about to tell you."

* * *

" _But wouldn't it be faster if we both look—"_

" _No! Stay here and wait." I tell Sora as I rush to leave the place._

" _How can you even be sure that …" Sora's voice disappears behind the closing door._

 _Where? **Somewhere on your left … perhaps.** Tsk, are you even sure that he's been taken by one of … whatever the heck you are? **Yes, that I'm sure.** Fuck, this is just insane._

 _I still turn left and start running up the street. **Faster.** Tsk, how can you even know where he is? **Does it matter?** It does! **Hum … Let's just say that you're not the only one who will be indebted to me after this.** Tsk, whatever._

 _After a moment I run up a slope and a freaking huge chunk of concrete appears in front of me, blocking the way. "Fuck, now what?!" **Left again, hurry.** Left … I look at the houses, then dash into the closest parkway._

 _In the backyard I start earing muffled voices … **Yes, yes. The voice in your head wasn't just full of shit after all.** They seem to be coming from one of the neighboring backyards. I step into the next backyard._

"… _standing here now?" Some guy's voice, it's coming from the other side of the tall wooden fence._

" _I'm not!" It's Taichi, thank God. **You're welcome.** Shut up. "… And wanna know something else? You keep calling me a boy, but I'm freaking twenty one years old! I lied about my age just so those guys would care about me! I pretended I was a kid to hide how worthless I've become. And you …"_

 _I stopped moving … That can't be true … **Hey, what are you doing?** … Taichi … the same age? **Fine then, I'm taking control.** No, wai— Taichi suddenly appears in front of me. Stop taking over! **I'll handle the other from here, you don't need to worry about the human after all.** I glance back at the guy. Shit he looks awful. So it's what having one of these things in his head did to him …_

 _I turn back, it's not the time to think about that. "Taichi, are you alright? Are you hurt?" I ask the trembling boy. Tsk, his cheek is all bruised and swollen._


End file.
